Looking for a relationship attachment style quiz?
After all, understanding your attachment style can completely shift the way your relationships unfold. Today, you learn what to look for in a quiz.
Want to learn more? Read on!
And if you want to jump straight ahead to take your quiz, click here:
What are attachment styles?
First things first:
Let’s look at what attachment styles are.
Psychological and neurological research indicates that almost all human beings display one of four attachment styles when it comes to their love relationships.
The theory was originally developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby. Bowlby’s colleague, Mary Ainsworth, systematically defined the infant-parent separations and her apprentice Mary Main then defined the four attachment categories.
These attachment styles are basically four unique blueprints.
They’re embedded in the survival part of your brain for how you've learned to give and receive love in your childhood, but also through your adult romantic relationships.
Depending on the nature of those early caretaking relationships, your survival system is wired to expect and look for certain signs and stimulation, in order to experience love and attachment feelings.
And that’s why attachment styles still affect us in adulthood and our romantic relationships.
How do attachment styles affect relationships?
If you had a tough time in childhood, you’re likely to only experience loving feelings when your partners are giving you a hard time.
Triggering statements grate on the echoes of those earlier experiences, and basically get your wires all tangled up. You will feel unable to escape an arousal response to situations that are emotionally painful or difficult.
And if there is too much calm consistency, you may unconsciously find ways to keep the drama alive, in order to keep the “chemistry” going.
Your own blueprint is often a good indicator for:
- How much closeness or space you desire when it comes to emotional intimacy
- How hard you will fight for or give up on a relationship
- What your beliefs about the possibilities for love in your life are
- What phrases and communication styles will trigger you
But what do the different attachment styles look like? Let’s take a look.
What are the four attachment styles?
What are attachment styles in relationships? Here are the four blueprints:
Secure attachment style
Individuals who are comfortable with closeness and separateness in relationships are securely attached; aka "Cornerstones." Around 62% have a secure attachment style.
Securely attached partners believe the best of their partner and that there is plenty of time and opportunities to find love. They argue with their partners, but the argument is never an attack on their partner’s character.
If you’re secure, you might say things like:
"I am open to a relationship and believe I'll meet someone when the time is right. Chemistry is great, but it's not everything, and for the long-term, I would want to make sure we had shared values, goals, and emotional honesty. Compatibility is the foundation for true romance, which builds over time."
Anxious attachment style
Individuals who want a lot of closeness with a partner tend to be anxious attached; aka "Open Hearts." You’re not alone; around 15% are anxiously attached. Anxiously attached partners try hard to impress a partner but end up walking on eggshells because whatever they do, they seem to push partners away.
If this is you, you might say things like:
"I am not happy unless I am in a relationship. Otherwise, I question why nobody wants me and I figure I must be doing something wrong or I am not good enough. There are so few opportunities for true love in the world, you have to hang onto what you can."
Avoidant attachment style
Individuals who want more space often are avoidantly attached; aka "Rolling Stones." 23% are avoidantly attached. Those with avoidant attachment tend to wind up feeling smothered, bored, trapped, or worried about hurting their partner.
If you’re avoidantly attached, you might say something like:
"Relationships come at the cost of personal freedom. I'll never find a partner that gets my need for space without taking it personally or creating unnecessary drama. I have a lot to give, it's just never enough. In the end, it's better to keep it casual."
Disorganized attachment style
Individuals that both want and fear closeness are sometimes considered fearful-avoidant or disorganized; aka "Spice of Lifers." This attachment style is a combination of both the Open Heart and Rolling Stone attachment styles.
If you’re disorganized, you might say things like:
"I want love and connection, but I am also afraid of it. Afraid that it's all a facade, that my partner is just using me, or eventually they will leave me, and I'll have deserved it. Better to get out while you still have the control, and the good memories."
Why do you need to know your attachment style?
Are you sick of walking on eggshells or chasing after an unattainable partner in your relationships?
Or are you tired of falling headlong into relationships, only to wind up feeling bored, smothered, or terrified of hurting your partner, just when things are supposed to be getting good?
Do you deeply yearn for love, only to feel desperately fearful of being abandoned or rejected?
Or maybe you find that no matter how emotionally honest or willing you are to work on the relationship, your partner still finds ways to create drama and/or put distance between you?
If you answered yes to any of the above, understanding your attachment style will help you attract the passionate-yet-stable partnership you want.
Which relationships are the happiest?
You see, if you understand your behaviors and feelings, you can change them. And you can move closer to becoming securely attached. As research shows, securely attached people have the most satisfying relationships.
On the other hand, anxious and avoidant partners often end up in an “anxious-avoidant trap” with the avoidant partner pulling back and the anxious partner chasing them.
Like-sees-like and so insecurely attached partners often attract each other. To break this pattern, you need to understand your behaviors and how you can change them.
How can you find healthy relationships?
What you need to know is that you CAN find satisfying relationships.
Just like my student Irena felt that she was able to “stop intellectually detaching” and get “more in touch with [her] emotions” after going through my course. She was relieved that other people were experiencing what she was, too, and that made her feel less alienated. Even though she had been doing therapy in the past, she felt that learning about her attachment style filled in a gap for her.
Another student, Mike, had noticed that he had trouble with relationships and knew he needed a change post-divorce.
Something else Mike says is, "Your course and activities empowered me to live without anxiety holding me back in relationships; I now have a better understanding of myself that's already improved my quality of life and enabled me to get back out there after a recent divorce. I just finished the Anxious Attachment 101 course two days ago, and I already found myself flirting with the cute girl in my building while feeling confident and hopeful as opposed to anxious and worried. The MacWilliam Method works, and I recommend it to anyone with anxiety."
And Eva was intellectually able to see her unhealthy patterns of relating, but was unable to break out of them. With the help of my course, she could identify her feelings and let them out.
How do you figure out what your attachment style is? A relationships attachment style quiz will help you get started.
That’s what we’ll look at next.
Take the relationship attachment style quiz to discover your attachment style
So, how do you discover YOUR attachment style?
Take my FREE 4-question relationship attachment style quiz here:
With over 15 years of clinical experience as a licensed and board-certified creative arts therapist and having helped hundreds of people break free of their attachment patterns, I created this quiz to help people just like you to identify and understand their attachment style.
After taking the quiz, you’ll receive a written and recorded explanation of strengths, struggles, and unique challenges of someone with your attachment style, and how it's likely to affect your relationships.
If you're ready to…
- BREAK FREE from unhealthy patterns of living and loving...
- Leave behind the FANTASY of perfection that keeps us IMPRISONED in a perpetual cycle of pain, abandonment, rejection and longing...
- Step into TRUE LOVE, in all its beautiful messiness…
Take the relationship attachment style quiz to find out what your attachment style is and how you can find that soul-shaking love that you crave.