They want to process an intense break up, or relationship that perhaps isn’t going so well, and so they’re looking for some kind of quick fix or tip or technique to help them somehow “solve” the problem.
“Tell me how to make this relationship work. How can I do better? How can I make them come back?”
Or sometimes it is a question of, “I feel so alive with my partners at first, but then the feeling dies pretty quickly and I am moving onto someone else. What’s wrong with me?”
Now, to my mind, this is asking me to give them hit.
Typically, when we are caught in these kind of roller coaster relationship cycles, we are actually operating under some pretty intense chemical influences in the brain, which has an equally powerful and intense influence on our psychology.
With mindfulness based practices in creative arts therapies, we can work to shift your experience of yourself and your relationships, including on the body level, but there are two things you have to do first.
And the first is decide that you are no longer willing to live this way.
The second is commit to taking action steps that will affect a significant change in your life.
Just like with addiction, there is no quick fix for the problem you are trying to solve with a short-term solution or escape.
And the best way to help you reframe your experience so that you focus on the “I” instead of transferring your addiction to a new partner, or clinging to the old one, is this…
Whenever you find yourself asking, “How can I fix this problem? How can I make this relationship work? How can I meet someone else that will make me happy?”
Reframe the question to be…
“How can I feel sovereign and resilient within myself and my own skin, so that I KNOW without a doubt, that I will be fine and still find love with or without this person, ultimately? How can I commit to that belief and conviction, knowing that I am the creator of my own reality, and willing to take radical responsibility for my life and my own experience of it?”
This doesn’t mean I don’t have empathy for your pain, but I have an even greater respect for your power. And that is the part that needs to be seen and mirrored back to you, more than your suffering.
You’ve had enough of that. Don’t you think?
Now, think about what you want, and why you want it.
“I want a partner that will make me happy.”
“Because I can’t be happy alone.”
“Because…well…I guess I don’t really like myself…I am bored with myself…I don’t like being alone with my thoughts, because they aren’t very kind.”
This may be more of an anxiously attached individual’s dialogue, on the surface. But, I would argue that even individuals with avoidant or dismissive attachment also feel this way, if perhaps on a more unconscious level.
They may feel disconnected from a desire for intimate feelings, but deep down they are usually looking for the way out by telling themselves there MUST be “better” opportunities out there. Someone ELSE that will swoop in and fill their heart up and rescue them from their isolation, in a way that doesn’t challenge them with difficult feelings or too much conflict.
In either scenario, the first thing you are committing to is learning to like yourself, and eventually love yourself.
Would you want to date a partner that doesn’t like themselves, and doesn’t feel confident in being in a relationship?
Of course not.
You want a partner that feels confident and happy with themselves, because that allows for a love that feels like freedom, rather than emotional enslavement and manipulation.
A partner that likes and loves themself has a far greater capacity for seeing and loving you for who you REALLY are, instead of projecting all their old baggage onto you and reliving their worn out old wounds, right?
Do you really want to play the role of mother, to your partner?
Do you really want to be the whipping post for your lover’s Daddy issues?
Well, no, not when I put it like that…
But, oh, in the moment, it feels like infatuation, doesn’t it?
It feels like butterflies and fireworks. Like you are needed, and so you can never be abandoned. Until your worst nightmare comes true, and it turns into a roller coaster again, just like in childhood or in your past relationships.
And so the drama continues, and you search for your next hit. Because as much as you know it’s unhealthy for you, those “secure” people are just “too nice” or “too boring” or “too easy” and you keep telling yourself you could never really survive in a healthy relationship because you couldn’t summon enough passion for it.
Let me reassure you…
The partner who owns themselves, will NOT be boring.
The partner who owns themselves, will have interests and passions they will not sacrifice because you don’t like them. But they will make space for things you might like, that they don’t.
The partner who owns themselves, will demand of you a deeper honesty than you have ever experience before, because they know themselves just as deeply and want to be seen just as eagerly, without judgement or fantastical expectations.
And you must be knowledgeable enough of yourself, to be able to meet them, in that place.
The partner who owns themselves, will love your “no’s” just as well as your “yeses” because your yeses mean nothing without your no’s.
The partner who owns themselves, won’t want to crack you open like a nut, but be the sun that inspires you to blossom in the morning.
When you meet this partner that owns themselves, you will know it just as well as you knew all those other soulmate-lesson-learning partners that carved through you like a pumpkin.
But it won’t feel like urgency. It will still feel tingly, but more like that feeling of relief, of coming home.
When you are with someone that owns themselves, there is no need for urgency. When you are with the partner that is your TRUE vibrational match, there will be a recognition that you have all the time in the world. And so you can take your TIME.
You WANT to take your time.
Anticipate every delicious moment of courtship, and pick up the sweet nuances of each other.
When you have a delicious and expensive meal served to you, do you gobble it down right away?
You savor every bite and take your time, because this is a pleasurable and sensual process.
The urgency to possess right away is born of a fear of loss and abandonment. When you meet your person, you will know, and the knowing with be without urgency.
Because what use would fear serve you?
Besides trampling over the blossoms to crack the nut open prematurely in order to reassure yourself.
Now, worthy of consideration, how can the seed of love and desire grow if you have not tilled your ground?
The seed is there. Planted. You want it, and so the possibility exists.
But you have been so busy going around watering everyone else’s plants that your own seed remains dormant and ill fed.
So now, you start to water it. And the soil appears more nutrient.
Then, maybe, something begins to sprout out of the ground.
Do you yank at it? Do you wake up every night and go out trying to pull that little bud out of the ground and make it grow faster?
No. Because you know that would kill it. Because you have an understanding that patience, and consistent care and attention, and sunlight allows a bloom to evolve into the beautiful, colorful life form it was meant to be.
And so when you ask me, “How can I fix this problem? How can I make this relationship work? How can I meet someone else that will make me happy?”
You are asking me how to make the bud grow faster. How to yank it juuuuuust right…
And there is no answer for that.
But if you were to ask me, “What kind of plant food can I add to the soil? How can I increase the amount of sunlight it receives each day? How do I occupy myself while waiting for the little bud to blossom?”
That I could help you with.
And that is exactly what you learn about in my seven week signature course, Healing Attachment Wounds with Mindfulness and Creative Arts Therapies. (Enroll here: https://goo.gl/Uk1Em1)
And if you would like to learn more about my online course on Healing Attachment Wounds with Mindfulness and Creative Arts Therapies, we are currently running a special, with the option for a payment plan.
This course offers 7 creative, fun, easy lessons over the course of 7 weeks, and takes you from feeling lost and confused about your romantic relationships, to stepping into your fullest and most sovereign self, without having to talk in circles around your feelings for hours (or even years) on end, with no tangible result.
And it WORKS.
(This course is also worth 6.0 CE contact hours for LCATs in New York state…visit the enrollment page for details.)
ENROLL HERE: https://goo.gl/sNr3N1
A quote from Kim, one of our newest program graduates…
“This program has done for me in 7 weeks what years of self-help books and cognitive therapy couldn’t do.”
Kim struggled with depression and anxiety, as well as falling into roller coaster relationships. Learning about the neural mechanisms of attachment, the role of complicated grief, and using body activating activities and experientials, were Kim’s favorite aspects of the program.
Watch Kim’s interview, here: https://goo.gl/sNr3N1
Take it from Kim, this program, Healing Attachment Wounds, can help you accomplish this task in 7 easy, FUN lessons that will take you from reacting powerlessly to the circumstances surrounding your love life, to becoming a conscious creator of it, without having to talk in circles around your feelings for hours (or even YEARS) on end.
So make sure you check out the course before this limited time offer expires. You’ll be SO GLAD you did!
ENROLL HERE: https://goo.gl/sNr3N1
Hope to see you there!
Briana MacWilliam ATR-BC, LCAT
Licensed and Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist
Author, Educator and Reiki Practitioner