TL;DR:
Disorganized attachment in adults stems from inconsistent caregiving and creates a push-pull dynamic in relationships—craving intimacy while fearing it. This survival-based pattern often leads to self-sabotage and unstable bonds. With awareness, nervous system regulation, and intentional healing, individuals can shift toward secure, fulfilling connections and experience lasting emotional safety.
- Disorganized attachment blends anxious and avoidant traits.
- Rooted in early relational trauma and neglect.
- Creates fear of closeness yet longing for intimacy.
- Leads to unstable, sabotaged relationships.
- Misperceived as manipulative, but truly protective.
- Healing requires self-awareness, identity shifts, and nervous system regulation.
- Secure attachment is achievable.
Do you feel torn between craving deep love and pushing it away the moment things get too real?
You might fall fast in relationships—only to suddenly lose interest. Maybe you become anxious or even sabotage what felt like a strong connection. You may long for emotional closeness, but the moment you feel vulnerable, alarm bells go off inside you. If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken—you may be living with a disorganized attachment style.
Disorganized attachment style is a survival-based response, often rooted in early emotional trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving. It can leave you stuck in confusing relationship dynamics where safety and threat feel indistinguishable. Over time, this can take a toll on your self-worth, mental health, and ability to feel secure in love.
But here’s the good news: healing is not only possible—it’s transformative.
When you begin to understand your attachment patterns, you unlock the power to shift your relationships. You can also calm your nervous system and rewrite the story you’ve been unconsciously living out. You don’t have to stay in cycles of emotional chaos.
In this article, you’ll discover:
- What a disorganized attachment style is and how it develops
- What it feels like to live with this pattern
- How it affects your relationships and dating life
- Practical, research-backed strategies to begin healing and move toward secure connection
This will help you stop repeating painful relationship patterns. You can start building safer, more fulfilling emotional bonds. You can finally feel loved and understood without fear, confusion, or self-sabotage. And you can experience the deep, lasting intimacy you truly deserve.
What is your attachment style?
What Is Disorganized Attachment Style, and How to Heal it??
Disorganized attachment style is one of four main attachment patterns identified in attachment theory, which was pioneered by researchers John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. These patterns describe how we relate to others—especially in close relationships—based on the way we experienced care in early life.
Of the four styles, three are considered insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized), while one is considered secure attachment. Let’s take a closer look.
Secure vs. Insecure Attachment Styles
People with a secure attachment style are able to form healthy, trusting, and emotionally balanced relationships. They tend to communicate openly, feel comfortable with intimacy, and have a stable sense of self-worth.
By contrast, people with insecure attachment styles—including disorganized attachment style—often struggle with emotional connection, boundaries, and trust.
Let’s briefly break down the differences among the insecure styles:
- Anxious attachment: seeks constant reassurance, fears abandonment
Avoidant attachment: values independence, avoids emotional closeness - Disorganized attachment style: a confusing mix of both—craving intimacy, but fearing it at the same time
To learn more about the basics of attachment, check out my YouTube video: Attachment Styles: A Basic Overview.
What Does Disorganized Attachment Style Feel Like?
Living with a disorganized attachment style often feels like an emotional tug-of-war.
You desperately crave deep connection—yet at the same time, it terrifies you. You want to trust and be loved, but your nervous system is on high alert. You’re always bracing for betrayal, rejection, or abandonment.
This push-pull dynamic stems from early relational trauma, often involving neglect or emotional unpredictability. Having a caregiver who was both a source of comfort and fear is a common cause. As a result, your internal compass for love, safety, and self-worth scrambles directions.
Here’s what that can feel like:
- One moment, your partner feels like your haven.
- The next, they become the enemy.
- You long for intimacy—but instinctively push it away.
- People say you’re “too intense,” but you’re just trying to feel safe.
This internal chaos leads to self-doubt and self-blame. It also causes unstable relationships that mirror the inconsistency you experienced growing up.
Disorganized Attachment Style and Early Childhood
Most people with a disorganized attachment style had caregivers who were themselves dysregulated, emotionally unavailable, or inconsistent in their love. Common childhood experiences include:
- Caregivers struggling with trauma, addiction, or mental illness
- Receiving love and punishment unpredictably
Being left to self-soothe or manage adult emotions too early
These early dynamics send a confusing message: “Love is dangerous. But I still need it to survive.”
As a result, children with disorganized attachment develop coping behaviors that mix pleasing and withdrawing—trying to earn affection while also emotionally armoring themselves against the pain of rejection.
Strengths of the Disorganized Attachment Style (aka “Spice of Lifers”)
Despite the pain, people with a disorganized attachment style often develop profound emotional intelligence and creativity. I like to call them “Spice of Lifers” because they truly feel the contrasts of life—deep sorrow, fierce passion, radiant joy.
You may:
- Have intense empathy and sensitivity
- Be a passionate communicator or artist
- Feel emotions deeply and vividly
- See the subtle beauty in art, music, and human behavior
These are gifts. And when your nervous system finds balance, these gifts shine in ways that create connection, purpose, and joy. And this can improve your experiences on the dating scene.
To learn more about the disorganized partner’s strengths, check out my Youtube video: 3 Strengths of The Spice of Lifer.
Disorganized Attachment Style and Dating
Dating with a disorganized attachment style can feel like being on a rollercoaster you didn’t agree to ride.
- You want connection but feel threatened by it.
- You fall fast and deep—then panic when intimacy becomes too real.
- You might find yourself sabotaging a relationship just as it begins to feel meaningful. Then you agonize over why you pushed someone away.
Common patterns include:
- Overgeneralizing small differences into large relationship-ending fears
“They like going out, and I prefer staying in—this’ll never work.” - Black-and-white thinking about your partner
“They didn’t respond right away, so they don’t care about me.” - Power struggles as a form of emotional control
You test boundaries, provoke reactions, or retreat into silence when feeling unsafe.
These reactions aren’t flaws—they’re protective responses your nervous system learned long ago. But when they go unchecked, they make stable, fulfilling relationships feel out of reach.
Why Partners May See You as Manipulative
Unfortunately, these attachment patterns can be misinterpreted. Some partners might describe people with a disorganized attachment style as “manipulative” or “gaslighting.”
But there’s a crucial distinction here: manipulation implies intent to harm, whereas disorganized attachment is a trauma response. You might:
- Deny things you said because your memory is impacted by stress or dissociation
- Try to control outcomes out of panic, not malice
- Push people away when you feel too vulnerable
This doesn’t make you a bad person. It means your nervous system is trying to protect you in ways that no longer serve your adult life or relationships.
In some cases, these patterns can also contribute to or overlap with more serious mental health challenges, such as anxiety, depression, or borderline personality traits. If you’re struggling, working with a trauma-informed mental health professional is always recommended.
To learn more about disorganized attachment and dating, checkout my youtube video: Disorganized Attachment in Dating: Traits, Love, + Intimacy.
How to Heal a Disorganized Attachment Style
Healing begins with understanding—and then retraining—the systems that have kept you stuck.
If you have a disorganized attachment style, you likely live in survival mode. Your relationships swing between extremes, because calm connection feels unfamiliar (even unsafe).
To begin healing, you need to:
- Learn to tolerate emotional safety
- Soothe your nervous system
- Reframe your identity
Let’s explore how.
Shift Your Identity to Change Your Attachment
Your attachment style is not just a set of behaviors—it’s tied to your identity. Deep down, you might believe:
- “I’m not worthy of love.”
- “If I don’t control others, I’ll get hurt.”
- “My needs are too much.”
But secure people don’t have perfect lives or flawless relationships—they simply don’t identify with every painful thought or experience.
For example:
- A secure person might think, “This person hurt me, but it doesn’t mean I’m unlovable.”
- A disorganized person might internalize it as, “I must be unlovable if they hurt me.”
Healing means learning to separate your core worth from your painful experiences. This is the identity shift required to move toward secure attachment.
The Three Levels of Healing Disorganized Attachment Style
To truly transform a disorganized attachment style, your healing must happen on three levels:
1. Mind: Rewire Your Beliefs
- Reframe the limiting stories you tell yourself
- Practice self-compassion and cognitive restructuring
- Develop healthier narratives around love, trust, and self-worth
2. Body: Regulate Your Nervous System
- Use somatic and creative arts practices to release stored emotional energy
- Build a richer emotional vocabulary
- Learn how to feel your feelings without being overwhelmed by them
3. Spirit: Redefine Your Inner Compass
- Connect with your inner wisdom and core values
- Rebuild a sense of purpose, connection, and belonging beyond fear
- Practice rituals or spiritual frameworks that ground you in meaning
This approach isn’t just about fixing symptoms. It’s about becoming someone who feels safe inside themselves—and in connection with others.
Ready to Start Disorganized Attachment Healing?
If this post resonated with you, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken.Healing is possible, and it starts with understanding your attachment style, nurturing self-compassion, and developing tools for emotional regulation, setting healthy boundaries, and building healthy communication skills.
Emotional confusion and blurred boundaries are common in anxious-avoidant relationships, especially when mixed signals and defensive communication have become the norm. One partner might over-explain or seek constant reassurance, while the other withdraws, avoids conflict, or shuts down emotionally. Over time, these patterns create an unstable foundation where neither person feels truly seen, heard, or emotionally safe.
What makes this even more challenging is that these behaviors can feel familiar—even normal—when you’re living with a disorganized attachment style. You might find yourself stuck in push-pull dynamics, unsure whether to lean in or back away, constantly second-guessing how much of yourself is “too much.”
But clarity, connection, and emotional safety are possible.
The Courageous Communicator – A Path to Healing
That’s why I created The Courageous Communicator—a transformational course designed to help you break through these ingrained patterns. Inside, you’ll learn how to:
- Set and uphold healthy emotional boundaries without guilt or fear
- Recognize and rewire defensive communication habits
- Express your needs with confidence and clarity
- Build secure relational habits rooted in compassion and truth
>>CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE FREE INTRODUCTORY TRAINING<<
If you’re ready to stop walking on emotional eggshells and start showing up as your most authentic, empowered self in love, my courses will help you on your next step in healing disorganized attachment and reclaiming your voice.
Take my students Katherine and Helena, for example.
Katherine’s Success Story
Katherine was a thoughtful, self-aware woman who kept finding herself caught in a frustrating pattern: she would attract the kind of partner she wanted, but then fear would set in—and she’d pull away. Despite knowing what she wanted and being intentional about love, she felt stuck in a loop she couldn’t break on her own.
This struggle left her feeling helpless and afraid that lasting love might not be possible. Deep down, she feared she’d always be stuck longing for connection instead of living it—and that she might never feel free from her own defensive patterns.
In taking my online course, Katherine learned to recognize and break through the subconscious patterns that were keeping her stuck. She developed greater emotional clarity, self-compassion, and the ability to communicate with confidence.
This helped her go from feeling like a victim of her own fears to feeling empowered and hopeful in love—so she could finally stop longing for a relationship and start living in one that feels playful, joyful, and deeply connected.
“Once I could finally see the pattern, I didn’t have to be a victim to it anymore. That’s when I knew I could be free—and actually have the loving, playful relationship I’d been dreaming of.”
Helena’s Success Story
Helena was a reflective and self-aware woman who found herself stuck in repetitive relationship patterns she couldn’t fully make sense of. She struggled to move beyond analyzing her triggers on a mental level and longed to understand the deeper emotional dynamics at play. This left her feeling disconnected from her own body and unsure how to break through old emotional patterns.
These challenges pointed to a deeper fear: that real healing required thousands of dollars in therapy—or that she simply might never feel emotionally safe and grounded in herself.
In taking my course, Helena learned how to explore her emotional landscape through experiential practices, like guided meditations and somatic exercises, which helped her connect with and feel her emotions in a safe, embodied way.
This helped her go from feeling emotionally disconnected and mentally stuck to feeling more relaxed, attuned to her body, and empowered to do her own inner work—so she could move toward lasting emotional stability and self-trust.
“It’s not an easy process—but it gets so much better once you start working through your issues. This course gave me access to a whole emotional landscape I didn’t even know was there.”
>>CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE FREE INTRODUCTORY TRAINING<<
Understanding Disorganized Attachment Style: A New Perspective
Disorganized attachment style is a survival-based relational strategy. This attachment style forms as a response to inconsistent or frightening caregiving.
Most people assume it means being “too much” or “emotionally unstable”. These beliefs are because of behaviors like push-pull dynamics, intense emotional reactions, and difficulty with trust. But the truth is: disorganized attachment is not dysfunction—it’s protection. Your nervous system is doing its best to help you survive a world that didn’t feel emotionally safe growing up.
From this new perspective, we can begin to understand the real issue. The problem isn’t your sensitivity, your fear of abandonment, or your need for space. The problem is the lack of tools and support you were given to feel safe in vulnerability. You never had a chance to believe you’re worthy of love just as you are.
Growth Challenges
The growth challenges for emotionally aware, intelligent, heart-led adults with a disorganized attachment style include:
Letting go of old beliefs such as:
- “I’m too much to love.”
- “I’ll always ruin the relationship.”
- “I have to protect myself at all costs.”
And adopting new, empowering beliefs like:
- “My emotions are valid and worthy of space.”
- “It’s safe to be seen and loved for who I really am.”
- “I can learn to create and sustain secure, fulfilling relationships.”
This shift opens the door to:
- Feeling more grounded and emotionally safe in your body
- Forming loving relationships without fear of rejection or loss
- Expressing your needs clearly without guilt or shame
- Experiencing deep, playful intimacy without self-sabotage
What’s Next? Your Disorganized Attachment Healing Starts Here.
I want to assure you—sensitive, emotionally complex individuals are not broken. They want what we all want: to feel safe, seen, and deeply loved. And that desire is not only valid—it’s achievable. Feeling calm, confident, and connected in your relationships isn’t a fantasy. It’s the natural result of doing the right inner work with the right tools and support.
That’s why I created The Courageous Communicator program, which walks you step by step through these exact challenges—using a creative, experiential, trauma-informed approach, to evolving your attachment style in healthy relationships.
Final Thoughts: Healing Disorganized Attachment
Thank you for spending this time with me. I hope this article helped you feel more seen, understood, and hopeful about your healing path. If it resonated with you, please leave a comment below, share your experiences, or ask any questions you may have. I read and respond to every one.
Don’t forget to follow along for more content on building secure and loving relationships. You can feel safe, loved, and connected in your relationships. And your healing starts now.
8 Responses
Hmm. I think this attachment style is not well-understood due to being rare. I have a disorganized attachment style, and this article doesn’t speak to me accurately. I NEVER feel “confused” (in the place of confused, I offer you “misanthropic”). I always know exactly how I feel about a person – how much I like or dislike them, and what I like or dislike about them. But the bottom line is that I’m pessimistic about humanity, and I don’t find most people to be trustworthy or deserving of my time, and that is why I walk away.
I’m mostly solitary, I have low social motivation, and I don’t really care for keeping friends. I’m content when I’m single, and I lack the “hunger” for relationships that most people have. I never seek out relationships or crave them, but I’m open to dating when a good opportunity comes my way. I’ve had a lot of fun with casual dating, getting to know people on a superficial level for a few weeks, and then withdrawing because I’m selective about who I respect and want to spend my time with. The intention from the start is usually to have fun, not to build a bond. It’s never a wild rollercoaster of emotions, it’s more like a period of superficial connection followed by emotional detachment. My love life and my social life are both very quiet and uncomplicated. It’s peaceful.
Yet I know I’m not dismissive-avoidant because I lack the active desire for “freedom” – I am open to the idea of connecting with other people when good opportunities present themselves. I think of this attachment style as a somewhat tempered version of dismissive-avoidant. My best friend in college had the same attachment style, and she was never confused, desperate, lonely, or a train-wreck either. She was a loner who was a bit detached from the world, stayed far away from all kinds of social drama, and lived an uncomplicated life. I don’t think either of us is exceptional – I just think this attachment style is foolishly misrepresented.
I felt the opposite from this! And I found this article extremely helpful.
Thank you so much for writing this. This article was amazing and very humanizing, both highlighting the positive skills people with this style may have, and offering a constructive perspective on how to move forward for the painful parts. I really appreciate you and your compassionate approach in your work. I will take your course.
I vary rarely reply, however this subject is really hitting home for me. I recently became aware of these attachment styles and have been reading as much as I can find. Over and over I connect to the discussions on disorganized attachment and find myself amazed as if my life is being described very conveniently in “black and white”…lol. It is even funny that I find myself after reading the comment above by DS that I feel the need to suggest that they may wish to consider the possibility that maybe they more closely relate to an avoidant personality. As mentioned my attachment style apparently can lead to me not being able to hold back expressing myself and with that realization as I write this, it is one more example for me to believe I just might have stumbled upon a knowledge base I can trust and may find a version of myself that I have longed for, and have missed living for far too long. Anyways, no offence intended to DS, I am just expressing what I sensed… felt, apparently as can be expected. I hope you find the support you are looking for. I appreciate the views and information expressed here, and I am considering taking your course. thank you Briana