How To Heal Avoidant Attachment: 4 Important Steps

Healing from an avoidant attachment style is a journey of rediscovering the spontaneity, curiosity, and joy that come with emotional openness. It involves stepping back into the vulnerable space of emotional engagement without fear of losing oneself. 

We often think that avoidant partners just need “space.” and if we give them enough space, then they will feel safe with us.

But really, “space” is a code for “There’s a tornado inside and the only thing I can do is run from it.” 

Believe it or not, that’s NOT the safest thing to do in a tornado;  instead, you’re supposed to get out of your car and hunker down, getting close to the ground, and let it pass over you.🌪️

Here’s the oversimplified situation:

Feelings vs. fears—it’s like a seesaw. When fears rise, emotional availability drops for the avoidant partner.

Why is that?

Childhood emotional neglect plays a massive role here.

Imagine growing up where your emotional needs are consistently overlooked or over-ridden. This can shape a protective shell around one’s heart and lead to pulling away just when things get real.

Now picture this: a world where every emotional cue from a partner is met with openness rather than withdrawal.

Sounds ideal, right? 

But when we cling to the myth that “avoidants just need space,” we end up enabling patterns that sever the ties that could lead to deeper intimacy. And then, they usually wind up getting stuck circling around and around inside their own private tornado.

If you have an avoidant partner, you need to do more than just give space; you need to understand the delicate dance of feelings and fears, and have a compassionate understanding of what’s required for them to grow, and how you can support them.

If you are avoidant in nature: Your task is to learn how to break down those impenetrable walls by understanding the roots of your avoidant behaviors and learn how to create your own emotional safety, by harnessing the power of true emotional FREEDOM and discipline.

This journey includes four important steps. And we are going to explore those steps today in this segment. 

Also, don’t forget to  SHARE this with a friend, if it gave you any light bulb moments.

If you’d like to learn more about the basics of avoidant attachment, check out my video, 4 Strengths of The Rolling Stone. 

 

Step 1: Healing Avoidant Attachment With Playfulness And Creativity

Why is there a need to recover playfulness and creativity? How was it lost?

Avoidant partners often developed their attachment style through a pattern of emotional neglect, dismissal, punishment, or manipulation. These external restrictions lead to internal emotional and energetic constrictions in the body. As a result, the capacity to freely play, move around, explore, and find enjoyment in discovery and fun interactions is stunted. This is a crucial developmental task during youth, and if it is not properly fostered, it can lead to disruptions in adult relationships..

Why avoidant partners struggle to play in adult relationships:

• Emotional rigidity: Avoidant individuals may have difficulty adapting to changes or being emotionally flexible.
• Anxiety: There may be a pervasive sense of nervousness or unease, particularly in emotionally intimate situations.
• Hyper-controlling behavior: An intense desire to control situations or people as a way to manage their own emotional discomfort.
• Perfectionism: An excessive need to meet impossibly high standards, often to avoid criticism or perceived failure.
• Aloofness and detachment: Keeping emotional distance in relationships to avoid vulnerability.
• Disconnection from emotions or the body: A lack of awareness or avoidance of emotional or physical sensations.
• Too loose or too rigid boundaries: Either lacking clear boundaries or being overly rigid to protect oneself.
• Punitive inner voice and critic: Harsh self-criticism that prevents emotional exploration or vulnerability.

What healing avoidant attachment style looks like:

• Laugh together: Shared laughter fosters connection and relieves stress.
• Be spontaneous: Enjoy unexpected moments and surprises together.
• Experiment: Try new things, enhancing the relationship’s excitement and depth.
• Be vulnerable: Playfulness helps break down barriers, allowing for emotional openness.
• Uplift each other: Playful interactions can brighten each other’s day and strengthen the emotional bond.
• Share joy: Celebrating small moments together strengthens the relationship.

 

The first step in healing avoidant attachment involves reconnecting with one’s playful, curious self—the way children do. This process is about rediscovering the joy and creativity that allow for a more flexible approach to life and relationships. When we engage with the world in a playful, curious manner, we begin to break down the rigid and fearful patterns of thinking that keep us detached from our emotions and our bodies. This reconnection with our creative selves helps in softening the defensive barriers we have built around our hearts.

In my work as an art therapist, we use things like scribble drawings, metaphors, storytelling, and imaginal dialogues to rediscover our playful selves and the inner child. To learn more, check out my playlist, called “Healing The Inner Child.”

 

Step 2: Developing Self-Trust To Heal Avoidant Attachment Style

Why do avoidant partners need to develop self-trust? Isn’t it that they don’t trust others?

Avoidant partners don’t trust other people because they don’t trust themselves to remain resilient, emotionally strong, and boundaried around others. What are avoidant partners avoiding? They are avoiding the internal experience of anxiety and discomfort that arises when someone makes an emotional request or demand of them, which creates a powerful compulsion to oblige. This impulse is so strong that they begin to feel their “true self” slip away and suffocate, losing all sense of free will. This is why avoidant attachment is characterized by a feeling of being “smothered,” with personal freedom valued above all else.

Before earning this deeply felt self-trust, avoidant partners typically display rigid but fragile boundaries. Their hypersensitivity, black-and-white thinking, and passive-aggressive approaches to conflict are evidence of this. The resulting behaviors are called “avoidant deactivation strategies” – which are strategies that shut down connection, to keep them safe.

Avoidant deactivating strategies:

• Stonewalling: They may withdraw from conversations or situations that feel threatening, leaving issues unresolved.
• Black-and-white thinking: They often see things as all or nothing, leading to extreme reactions and difficulty compromising.
• Dismissiveness: They might downplay or ignore the feelings or needs of their partners, creating emotional distance.
• Passive-aggressive comments: They may express their dissatisfaction or resentment through indirect means, like sarcasm or silent treatment.
• Hypersensitivity to criticism: They might react strongly to any perceived criticism, as it threatens their sense of self.
• Rigid boundaries: They set firm lines to protect themselves, which can prevent deep emotional connections.

 

As avoidant partners begin to embrace their playful and creative sides, they naturally start to develop a stronger sense of self-trust. They are now able to “co-regulate”. What is co-regulation? This newfound trust is crucial to co-regulation—it means no longer living in fear of being overwhelmed, manipulated, or subsumed by others’ needs and desires. With a solid foundation of self-trust (what we might call healthy “auto-regulation”), individuals feel more resilient and confident in their ability to manage the dynamic flow of relationships without losing their sense of self.

Signs of secure attachment and examples of co-regulation:

• Open communication: They can express their needs and concerns directly, fostering transparency in relationships.
• Flexibility: They adapt to changing circumstances or compromises, showing a balanced approach to problem-solving.
• Empathy: They listen to and validate their partner’s feelings, enhancing emotional intimacy.
• Constructive conflict resolution: They address disagreements calmly and collaboratively, seeking mutually beneficial solutions.
• Healthy boundaries: They set clear, respectful limits while remaining open to emotional connection.
• Self-soothing: They manage their own emotional responses, reducing their reliance on external validation.

 

To learn more about developing self-trust, check out my video “My Personal Practical Routine for Felt Security.”

 

Step 3: Cultivating Flexible and Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Why do they need better boundaries? I thought avoidant partners have too many boundaries?

With a robust sense of self-trust, avoidant partners can more effectively recognize, assert, and maintain their boundaries. This step is about knowing where one’s emotional landscape begins and where it ends, facilitating a healthy interaction with others.

Boundaries are essentially a set of unspoken rules that define the edges of our comfort zones. They help us understand what we like and dislike, what we value and prioritize, and what we need and want. This makes them important informants of our sense of self and identity, and they determine what allows us to feel safe or unsafe.

When you don’t trust yourself, you tend to implement boundaries in extreme ways—they are either too loose or too rigid, like a diffuse cloud or a brick wall. You might express them based on what other people think they should be. This is problematic because if your boundaries serve other people’s notions instead of your intrinsic needs and values, you are cut off from your core self. This lack of self-connection can lead to insecurity and a lack of self-trust.

Boundary struggles for avoidant partners:

• Avoiding intimacy: Keeping emotional distance to prevent vulnerability, avoiding situations where boundaries might be tested.
• Over-committing: Taking on too many responsibilities or obligations to avoid addressing personal needs or desires.
• People-pleasing: Prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of one’s own, to avoid conflict or rejection.
• Rigid control: Creating overly strict rules or walls to protect oneself from perceived threats or emotional overwhelm.
• Detachment: Withdrawing from relationships or situations that require emotional investment or boundary negotiation.

 

The healthiest boundaries are flexible and semi-permeable, stemming directly from the core self, which informs what you need, want, value, and prioritize. When you deeply know these things, you can be creative and have a sense of self-trust.

You can also extend an invitation to others to share emotional experiences without dominating them or relinquishing control over your own emotions. 

Healthy boundaries in relationships:

• Open dialogue: Engaging in honest conversations about needs and expectations, allowing both partners to understand each other’s boundaries.
• Mutual respect: Valuing each other’s perspectives and preferences, even when they differ, fostering a sense of equality in the relationship.
• Clear communication: Expressing personal limits and desires openly, creating a transparent environment where both parties feel heard.
• Compromise: Finding solutions that respect both partners’ boundaries, promoting cooperation and shared decision-making.
• Emotional support: Offering comfort and understanding without losing oneself in the process, maintaining a balanced emotional connection.

 

This balanced approach allows both parties to coexist in mutual respect and understanding.

If you’d like to learn more about establishing healthy boundaries, check out my video, “Setting Boundaries: Life Changing Tips for Avoidant Attachment.”

 

Step 4: Learning Healthy Communication Skills 

Why do they need to learn new communication skills? Can’t they just choose to be honest about how they feel?

Healthy communication isn’t just about speaking and listening—it’s an active process of truly hearing someone, rephrasing their words to show understanding, and expressing empathy and validation for their experience. It also involves providing thoughtful feedback and sharing your own perspective. For communication to thrive, there must be comfort with differing feelings, viewpoints, and constructive feedback. This is essential for resolving conflicts and deepening intimacy in reciprocal relationships.

Avoidant partners, however, often struggle with this. Their practice of detaching from their feelings means:

1. They frequently fail to recognize their deeper emotions in the moment.
2. They lack an internal method for efficiently organizing these feelings.
3. Consequently, their ability to express their emotions outwardly is often unrefined and disorganized.
4. Their capacity to pick up on the subtle cues of others’ emotions is usually skewed negatively, as they are already suspicious and defensive.
5. Furthermore, the language we use in most Western societies to describe our feelings tends to be dismissive, blaming, and defensive, which complicates honest expression. Instead of revealing true feelings, we often project ego defenses.

 

Thankfully, there are communication strategies tailored to different attachment styles that can improve outcomes. For avoidant partners, “soft strategies” that emphasize appreciation and respect for personal autonomy are most effective. For anxious partners, “safe strategies” that offer reassurance, connection, and validation work best.

Yet, effective communication goes beyond merely saying the right things. Even if we manage to articulate our needs and receive the desired response, a part of us might feel resentful for having to do so. That’s why communication is not just about the right words but also about connecting those words to our deeper, more vulnerable feelings stored in our subconscious mind, body, and nervous system. This connection allows us to relax and experience true emotional healing, often referred to as healing the wounded inner child.

This is the essence of what I’ve taught to over 6,000 students in the past 15 years, especially through my course, The Courageous Communicator. My approach helps individuals not just communicate more effectively but also heal emotionally, leading to more fulfilling and secure relationships.

Learning Healthy Communication skills Based on Attachment Styles

My course, The Courageous Communicator, helps well-meaning, conscientious individuals learn to express themselves effectively and get their needs met, using communication skills based on attachment styles. Using my “HIP Communication Formula” which stands for Heal, Inspire, and Practice, avoidant partners learn the delicate art of being separate yet together, appreciating the beauty of interdependency where both parties support and enrich each other, while maintaining their distinct individualities.

>>LEARN MORE<<

Just imagine, What if…

• Rather than your partner shutting down and running for the hills, they pull you close and whisper “Thank you for telling me, let’s work this out.”
• You were able to recognize and communicate your needs fearlessly, and having your partner love and respect you all the more for it; “I had no idea you needed that, I’m happy to know how I can support you.”
• You knew just the right words to put them at ease and get them to listen to you, and they say; “That’s not easy for me to hear, but I feel closer to you, now that you told me.”

 

It’s all possible, and it is worth it. To learn more about The Courageous Communicator, be sure to click this link, and register for the free introductory training. Learn to deepen the intimacy while building healthy communication skills, in just 90 days.

After this FREE introductory training…

• You’ll have an in-depth understanding of the one, sneaky communication secret that will make or break your relationships, and HOW LONG IT TAKES to start feeling secure in love and stop wasting time stuck with common communication issues.
• You’ll learn the specific struggles, strengths, and growth challenges, you can expect on the road to becoming more secure based on attachment style, especially for self-help junkies that know and have tried “all the right things” and still have yet to experience a loving and reciprocal relationship with a secure AND passionate partner.
• You’ll learn how to make them go from “You’re too good for me,” to “You inspire the best version of myself”, in 90-days or less; Including a sneak peek at our biggest success stories. There will also be a special limited-time offer, if you decide to join the full course!

 

It’s not a fairytale. I’ve seen so many clients experience REAL change in a short amount of time, once they are able to apply their understanding of attachment styles to their communication skills. And it’s SO worth it to try!

Click here, to learn more. 

Now, let’s review what we have learned and leave you with some final thoughts. 

Final Thoughts

Healing from an avoidant attachment style can be challenging but deeply rewarding. Throughout this guide, we have addressed common myths and misconceptions surrounding avoidant partners and offered practical solutions for personal growth and healthier relationships. These myths included:

1. Avoidant individuals simply lack emotional depth.
2. Avoidant partners only trust themselves.
3. Avoidant partners have too many strong boundaries.
4. Avoidant partners just need to be more emotionally honest.

 

But in this article, we discussed the reality behind these myths:

• Rather than lacking emotional depth, avoidant partners often have deep feelings that were suppressed due to a lack of opportunity for playfulness and creativity.
• A distrust of others demonstrates a lack of self-trust, making it challenging for avoidant partners to remain resilient and boundaried in relationships, especially when facing distress or conflicting opinions and feelings.
• Instead of having too many strong boundaries, avoidant partners often have rigid and fragile boundaries due to a lack of self-connection and trust.
• Rather than simply needing to be more emotionally honest, avoidant partners need to develop active listening, empathy, and validation skills to improve their relationships.

 

If you or your partner struggle with avoidant attachment, there’s hope for healing and transformation. My course, The Courageous Communicator, offers a proven roadmap for developing secure, loving relationships. Through my “HIP Communication Formula” , you’ll learn how to balance independence with intimacy and communicate more effectively. Join over 6,000 students who have benefited from this course and start building healthier, happier relationships today.

Together, we can deepen intimacy and build healthy communication skills in just 90 days. Click this link.

And always, let me know how you enjoyed this material in the comments, I take all feedback into consideration when creating new content like this!