Introduction

Do you ever feel like your partner is projecting their issues onto you? This is very likely to be true, especially if insecure attachment styles are involved.  In this article, we will explore the function of psychological projection in relationships with avoidant attachment style, especially.

We will define psychological projection  and explore signs of projection in a relationship. This includes specific examples of projection as defense mechanisms, including villainizing, catastrophizing, and emotional reasoning, (which uses “projected introjects” and black and white thinking). Finally, I will walk you through My 3-step framework for healing detrimental defensive coping mechanisms, like projection, which structures the curriculum for my popular Attachment 101 courses.

Once you crack the code on this, if you are the partner with an avoidant attachment style in relationships, you will be able to stop projecting onto your loved ones, and start loving and accepting your own inner child, so you can go from feeling misunderstood and disconnected to feeling seen and accepted for who you are, knowing that you can cultivate a loving, stable relationship all without constant conflict and emotional turmoil.

On the other hand, if you have a partner with avoidant attachment style in relationships, you will be able to: recognize the signs of projection and respond with setting healthy and loving boundaries without feeling guilty. This will foster open communication, and support your partner in acknowledging and addressing their underlying fears and insecurities, leading to a more harmonious and secure relationship.

What is Avoidant Attachment Style?

Why focus on the presence of avoidant attachment style and projection in relationships? This is because avoidant partners are particularly inclined to use projection as a form of self-protection. Partners with an avoidant attachment style are typically desirous of emotional space in a relationship, and tend to keep their distance, avoiding deep feelings of intimacy or commitment, to honor their sense of independence or personal autonomy. This attachment style usually evolves for individuals that experienced emotional confusion or neglect as children, so they became emotionally isolative and hyper-independent to avoid emotional pain and rejection or abandonment.

Partners with avoidant attachment style typically respond defensively in emotionally charged situations, using different types of projection, which we will discuss.

To learn more about other defense mechanisms for avoidant attachment style, you can check out my blog post on this topic, What is Toxic Shame? Avoidant Defense Mechanisms Explained , or watch the youtube video of the same title: 

What is psychological projection in a relationship?

What exactly is psychological projection in a relationship? Psychological projection can look like blaming their partner for their own insecurities, accusing a partner of harboring feelings or behaviors they themselves are expressing, or interpreting their partner’s actions through a lens of their own unresolved issues. When this happens, people might assume that their partner is trying to criticize, gaslight, or control them, but these are examples of projection as a defense mechanism..

But the reality is partners with avoidant attachment style  are actually quite emotionally fragile and vulnerable. Think of it like a game of hot potato. We all have flaws and shortcomings, which is like holding a hot potato, and that burns. 

To find relief, we unconsciously toss the hot potato to someone else and claim that it was theirs all along. That way, hopefully, they won’t toss it back, and we don’t have to feel the discomfort anymore. 

This doesn’t really work, however, because unless we learn to love and accept our own flaws and shortcomings, projecting them onto others is only going to push people away, and you’ll never quite feel whole or deeply connected to someone.

The good news is when we learn to love and accept the worst version of ourselves, that’s when true healing happens, and we finally make space for our best version to simply show up. 

That is when relationships can radically transform from full of conflict and push-pull dynamics into stable and loving, reciprocal partnerships. 

But in order to do this, we need to be able to recognize the role projection plays in insecure relationships so we can find out the underlying emotional needs that require acknowledgment. That includes recognizing the different types of projection and signs of projection in a relationship.

Examples of Psychological Projection In A Relationship

In this article we are going to explore three different general types of projection, and provide several examples of projection in a relationship, specifically. These will include, 1)Villainizing, 2)Catastrophizing, and 4)Emotional reasoning. In exploring these descriptions, I will also weave in a case example of how Kathleen experiences these different types of projection in a relationship.

But, in order to explore different types of projection in relationships, and how to respond to projection, we need a deeper understanding of the emotional fragility that projection indicates. Here’s the truth about how projection functions.

How Psychological Projection Works

Here are a few things you must understand about what is projection in psychology and how projection works. 

1) Projection is a defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or motives to another person. This often occurs subconsciously as a way to avoid confronting or dealing with these undesirable aspects within themselves.

2) In relationships, projection as a defense mechanism, serves to protect the individual’s self-image and reduce internal anxiety. This often manifests as avoiding self-awareness, blaming others, deflecting responsibility, and creating emotional distance.

3) Partners with avoidant attachment style use projection to externalize their discomfort, placing the blame on their partner rather than addressing the root cause within themselves, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.

How To Respond To Projection in A Relationship?

Now that we have these new insights into how projection works, you might be wondering, “how to respond to projection?” May of my clients and students will ask:

“Does that mean I should just tolerate their projected issues and not take it personally?”

NO.

If you decide to just tolerate someone’s projections, eventually you start to absorb them and assume a role that they have assigned to you…

That will lead to acting out past traumas and feeling triggered into behaviors that may feel unnatural for you, and you may even start believing you are what they say you are, which makes you feel confused about who you are and questioning your right to need and want things for yourself.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

How Do You Reject A Projection?

Instead of tolerating their projections, realize that projection is a sign of their unresolved issues and not a reflection of your worth or actions, and take action by setting clear boundaries and addressing the projection directly and compassionately.

Once you do, you’ll see that the relationship can move towards more honest communication and mutual understanding.

This allows you to:

-Stop believing you are responsible for their emotional state and start believing you deserve respect and understanding.

-Stop feeling confused and insecure, and start feeling confident and self-assured.

-Stop experiencing constant conflict and emotional turmoil, and start experiencing peace and connection.

So, hopefully, that gives you a better sense of how to respond to  projection.

This brings us to the meat of our discussion today, understanding the different types of projection and examining different examples of projection in relationships.

First, let’s explore the first of our three types of projection: villainizing.

Villainizing As A Type of Projection

Villainizing is one powerful form of projection in a relationship when an individual projects malevolent intentions or a villainous perspective onto their partner.

You know this is occurring when an avoidant partner perceives their partner as trying to control or manipulate them, even when the partner is simply expressing their feelings.

You might assume that your avoidant partner is intentionally being hurtful or controlling, but the truth is this behavior often stems from past experiences in which they may have been emotionally manipulated or had their boundaries ignored, leading them to preemptively protect themselves by creating emotional distance, through projection in a relationship.

You see, partners with avoidant attachment style often operate from a place of deep-seated fear and insecurity despite appearing self-sufficient and detached. They fear vulnerability and project scenarios where they anticipate rejection, feel trapped, or focus on their partner’s flaws to justify emotional distance.

With this type of projection in a relationship, you might experience frequent misunderstandings, heightened conflict, and emotional disconnection.

Example of Projection: What Causes Villainizing?

In this case, the partner with avoidant attachment style is operating under the false assumption that their partner will eventually hurt or control them, prompting them to withdraw or act defensively to protect themselves.

But if a partner with avoidant attachment style can learn to recognize and question their projections, and instead communicate their fears and insecurities openly, it can lead to greater understanding, trust, and intimacy in the relationship.

Signs of Villainizing In A Relationship

-Attribution of Negative Intentions: Villainizing involves perceiving a partner’s actions or motives as malicious or harmful, often without justification, reflecting the individual’s own insecurities or fears.

-Avoidance of Self-Reflection: By casting the partner as the villain, individuals avoid confronting their own negative emotions or behaviors, using the partner as a scapegoat to deflect responsibility.

-Exaggeration of Flaws: This involves magnifying or inventing faults in a partner, creating an exaggerated narrative of wrongdoing to rationalize one’s own feelings or actions.

-Reinforcement of Victim Mentality: Villainizing reinforces a sense of victimhood, where the individual feels wronged or persecuted, justifying their reactions and shifting focus away from their contributions to relationship issues.

-Projection of Internal Conflict: The act of villainizing projects internal conflicts or unwanted traits onto the partner, allowing the individual to deny these aspects of themselves and maintain a self-image of innocence or superiority.

Does any of this sound familiar? Do you see villainizing popping up in your experience of relationships? Let me know in the comments below.

Now, let’s move onto the second of type of projection in relationships: #2: Catastrophizing.

Catastrophizing As A Type of Projection

What is catastrophizing? Catastrophizing is a type of projection, when an individual anticipates the worst possible outcome in a situation, often blowing things out of proportion.

You know this is occurring when a partner with an avoidant attachment style starts believing that any small issue or conflict is a sign that the relationship is doomed to fail.In this case, it’s easy to think that the avoidant partner is overreacting or being hypersensitive, but the reality is they are responding to deep-seated fears and past experiences of instability and unpredictability.

Signs of Catastrophizing in Relationships

-Imagining Worst-Case Scenarios: Catastrophizing involves envisioning the most disastrous outcomes in a relationship, projecting internal fears onto future possibilities, and often assuming that minor issues will lead to major crises.

-Amplification of Conflict: Small disagreements or misunderstandings are perceived as catastrophic, reflecting the individual’s internal anxieties and projecting them onto the relationship dynamic. This conflict amplification keeps the focus outward facing instead of inwardly self-reflective.

-Avoidance of Vulnerability: By focusing on imagined catastrophic outcomes, individuals protect themselves from emotional vulnerability, using exaggerated fears as a shield against intimacy and potential hurt.

-Projection of Personal Insecurities: Catastrophizing projects personal insecurities onto the relationship, leading individuals to interpret neutral or positive interactions through a lens of impending doom. This helps to prevent you from “getting your hopes up.”

-Reinforcement of Helplessness: This pattern reinforces a sense of helplessness and victimhood, as individuals convince themselves that negative outcomes are inevitable, avoiding taking proactive steps to address actual issues; which also prevents you from trying and failing.

Example of Projection: What Causes Catastrophizing?

Let’s examine an example of projection, and what causes catastrophizing as a defense mechanism. 

In Kathleen’s childhood home, her father struggled with alcohol addiction, and her mother had codependent tendencies. She observed her father behaving in unpredictable ways, one minute friendly and approachable, another minute explosive and angry, and still at other times he seemed totally checked out and emotionally absent.

Her mother responded by:

-Constantly trying to placate her father to avoid his anger, even when it meant sacrificing her own needs and feelings.

-Taking on excessive responsibility for maintaining the household and managing her father’s erratic behavior, often feeling like it was all up to her to keep the family together.

-Denying or minimizing the severity of her father’s addiction and its impact on the family, creating an environment where Kathleen felt like her feelings and experiences were invalidated.

The Impact of Catastrophizing as a Projection in Relationships

As a result of observing all of this, in her adult relationships, Kathleen found herself assuming more emotional obligations than were expected of her, while waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even when a relationship was going well, she’d project inevitable failure onto it.

To quell the anxiety this created, Kathleen might act out or somehow sabotage the relationship in order to escape the painful anticipation. This would look like:

-Starting unnecessary arguments over trivial matters.

-Withdrawing affection and communication suddenly.

-Engaging in self-destructive behaviors like excessive drinking or flirting with others.

In this case illustration, you see how catastrophizing led Kathleen to self-sabotaging behaviors, which  increased the conflict in her relationships, which led to emotional withdrawal. 

Catastrophizing As A Trauma Response

Kathleen’s story also illustrates how  sometimes increasing feelings of safety in secure relationships can be a trigger for avoidant partners. Why? Because, in their experience, when things were going smoothly and calmly, there would be a sudden and unexpected event or problem that would throw the family system back into a state of instability and dysfunction.

And so, in her adult relationships, Kathleen was operating under the assumption that things always go wrong no matter how hard she tries, and she will be held totally responsible for things she could never really control. This leads her to preemptively protect herself by withdrawing or creating distance.

How To Heal Catastrophizing in A Relationship?

Now, before Kathleen could ever open up to the idea that a relationship can be stable and secure, she would need to learn how to manage her anxiety and build trust in her own resiliency,  and the good intentions of her partner.

Now, you might be wondering, “How might someone like Kathleen learn to manage her anxiety and build trust in a relationship, so she can achieve a loving and stable partnership?”

Well, in just a moment, I’ll share my highly effective, 3-Step Healing Framework, in greater detail. But first, it’s important to understand the impact of our third discussion point, Emotional Reasoning and Projected Introjects.

Emotional Reasoning As A Type of Projection

Emotional Reasoning and Projected Introjects is a type of projection in relationships, when an individual makes assumptions about others’ motivations based on their own emotions, leading to distorted perceptions and black-and-white thinking.

You know this is occurring when a partner with an avoidant attachment style, starts attributing their own unresolved feelings and past experiences to their partner’s intentions and actions.

Examples of Projection: Emotional Reasoning

Examples of emotional reasoning as a type of projection in a relationship might include:

-“I feel humiliated because I was fired today; therefore, I conclude my boss was motivated to shame me.”

-“I feel sexually excited; therefore, I conclude that my arouser is trying to be seductive.”

-“I feel heartbroken over a breakup; therefore, my lover wanted to hurt me.”

-“I feel frightened by my supervisor’s authority; therefore, she must be trying to intimidate me.”

Additionally, when we have insecure attachment styles, this emotional reasoning usually expresses itself as extreme, black-and-white thinking.

What is Black and White Thinking?

Black-and-white thinking can also be considered “all or nothing” … “good or bad” … “in or out” … “if you’re not with me, you’re against me”… type of thinking. And it stems from emotional “splitting” and boundary confusion.

Boundary struggles stem from when our parents did not respect us as mentally and emotionally separate and autonomous human beings, so they projected a lot of their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions onto us. As children, we take in those projections and adopt them as our own.

We learn love means projecting onto a partner or taking in what they’re projecting onto us, even if it is not good for anybody. Over time, you will feel both invaded upon and (unconsciously) invade upon someone else with your wants and desires, because you have never been taught where the lines (boundaries) exist between you and someone else—let alone how to recognize, name, claim, reinforce, and respect them.

Because this is an extreme circumstance, we stumble around trying to assert our boundaries by adopting EXTREME assumptions, assertions, and behaviors toward ourselves and others.

Black or White Thinking Examples

When we have black-and-white thinking, we perceive the world in very concrete ways and draw very harsh lines and borders around things. It also means we find ambiguity, duality, doubt, uncertainty, or unanswerable questions absolutely INTOLERABLE because they create tremendous anxiety.

For example:

-”If you don’t want to sleep with me, you must find me repulsive.”

-”If you don’t want to commit to me this instant, you never will.”

-”If you don’t like my pasta, you must think I’m a horrible cook.”

-”If you break up with me because things aren’t working out, it means you never loved me at all, and EVERYTHING we shared doesn’t “count.”

Black and white thinking in a relationship involves seeing a partner or relationship in absolute terms, such as “always right” or “always wrong,” which avoids ambiguity and reduces complex emotions and situations into simplistic categories, thereby avoiding mixed feelings. This mindset reinforces the self-identity as being “good” and “right” to justify one’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It makes it difficult to empathize with a partner’s viewpoint, thereby avoiding guilt or accountability. Additionally, it projects unwanted traits onto a partner to avoid confronting one’s own “badness” and shame.

In a relationship, this could lead to increased misunderstandings, conflict, and emotional withdrawal. 

Black and White Thinking and Projected Introjects

For example, , in an anxious state, a jealous partner demands the password for their spouse’s devices. This distrust projects a negative characterological assumption (“you’re a cheater”) onto their partner, which makes their partner feel falsely accused, unsafe in the relationship, and as if they can’t do anything right. The accused partner then becomes angry as a defense against feelings of failure, rejection and helplessness, and decides they might as well do what they are being accused of doing, since they’re already being punished for it anyway (the identity of  “cheater” has become introjected – the partner has absorbed and assumed the projection). 

Similarly,  the partner with avoidant attachment style anticipates that eventually their lover will become anxiously demanding and invasive. To head off that possibility, they prematurely withdraw from the relationship without warning or a clear explanation. This is very confusing and winds up inducing tremendous anxiety and confusion in the partners, which leads to feelings of desperation and being demanding of answers. Then the avoidant partner thinks, “See? I knew this would happen. I was right all along.”

How To Stop Projecting Your Insecurities On To Your Partner

To turn this around, the partner with an avoidant attachment style must realize that their partner’s desire for closeness is not a threat but an opportunity for deeper connection in order to truly believe that a secure and loving relationship is possible.

That will finally allow them to stop reacting with fear and withdrawal and start engaging in open communication and vulnerability, which leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

To learn more about this, watch my video “Succeed in Anxious Avoidant Relationships: 5 Secret Tips.”

Find out how to navigate communication issues and understand your triggers to gain more control over your actions. Whether you’re anxious or avoidant, these strategies will help you create a secure and loving connection.

A Case Example Of Psychological Projection in Relationships: Bringing It All Together

So, how does this all connect? Let’s go back to our case example, with Kathleen.

When Kathleen operates from a place of  villainizing, catastrophizing, and emotional reasoning, this compels her to react defensively, withdraw emotionally, and make negative assumptions about her partner’s intentions.

This perpetuates painful patterns in relationships because it dismisses important feelings and capacities for empathy and understanding, ignores the fact that love and relationships require mutual effort and vulnerability, and it prevents the healing process and the development of a deeper, more secure connection.

The Benefits of Healing Projection in Relationships

However, if Kathleen can adopt the attitude that her partner’s actions are not inherently negative but opportunities for growth, she can learn to communicate openly and set healthy boundaries, which makes positive, stable relationships possible.

This ends a negative pattern and creates an opportunity for change because it:

• Validates important feelings and capacities for trust and empathy, while respecting a partner’s reality without projecting onto them..
• Accepts the fact that love involves embracing our own imperfections and that of our partner, without slipping into splits and black and white thinking.
• Accelerates the healing process and the creation of a loving, secure relationship, by encouraging wholeness and shared emotional spaces..

 

So, for Kathleen…

• Instead of reacting defensively, she can respond with curiosity and openness, and this leads to better understanding and less conflict.
• Instead of withdrawing emotionally, she can engage in honest communication, and this leads to a stronger emotional connection.
• Instead of making negative assumptions about her partner’s intentions, she can seek clarification and reassurance, and this leads to greater trust and security in the relationship.

 

Doesn’t that sound great? If this sounds good to you, drop a comment so that I know I am on the right track.

Recovering From Avoidant Projections in Relationships

Okay, so how might someone like Kathleen learn to communicate openly, manage anxiety, and build trust in both themselves and their partner, so they can achieve a loving and stable partnership?

Well, this is where my highly effective 3 Step Framework for The Romantic Journey and Healing Attachment Wounds course, comes in.

My course, Healing Attachment Wounds,  was designed to decode your specific attachment style and cultivate a loving, secure relationship, while embracing both passion and personal freedom, in love, in only 7 lessons.

>>REGISTER FOR THE FREE INTRODUCTORY TRAINING<<

The 3 Step Framework for The Romantic Journey structures the curriculum for this course, taking successful, conscientious individuals on a journey from self-doubting and conflicted to confident and assured, all without years of talk therapy or sleazy gimmicks.

But don’t take my word for it, when Eva Alos Melchor came to me, she was struggling with confused boundaries and felt like a victim to the emotional projections  in her relationships. Despite her great  intellectual understanding, she still experienced emotional disconnection. After taking my course, she discovered how to feel and process her emotions through experiential activities, and feel more deeply connected to herself, trusting her own emotional resilience. But I will let her speak for herself…

 

“Do not hesitate. Definitely take this course. I am sure you have read the books, I am sure that you have gone to a counselor, like I did, and it’s intellectual. This course brings the experiential. It will bring the two things together. It will help you feel your emotions, go to your body, and process through that. Just do it. It’s so worth it.” -Eva Alos Melchor

If you’d like to experience results like Eva, click this link and take register for the free introductory training, for my course, Healing Attachment Wounds, here. 

>>REGISTER FOR THE FREE INTRODUCTORY TRAINING<<

You will immediately be taken to the training and information page, and learn my three step framework to start feeling more secure today.

Final Thoughts

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or motives to another person. Most people assume it means the person is trying to criticize, gaslight, or control them because it looks  like blaming their partner, accusing them of feelings or behaviors they themselves are experiencing, or interpreting their partner’s actions through a lens of their own unresolved issues, but the truth is avoidant partners are actually quite emotionally fragile and vulnerable.

From this new perspective, we can now understand how these projections are a way for avoidant partners to protect themselves from deep-seated fears and past emotional wounds, leading to distorted perceptions and behaviors. Thus the growth challenge for avoidant partners to heal this emotional fragility, and develop more self trust and emotional resiliency. This will, include:

• Letting go of old beliefs such as “my partner will hurt or control me,” “things always go wrong and it’s my fault,” and “closeness means suffocation”…
• And adopting new, more positive beliefs such as “my partner’s actions are not inherently negative and they have my best interests at heart,” “I can communicate openly without fear,” and “a secure relationship is possible.”

 

These new beliefs open up the possibilities for healthier, more fulfilling relationships without constant conflict and emotional turmoil.

Can Avoidant Partners Heal Their Projections?

Now, I want to assure you, avoidant partners are not fundamentally mean or uncaring. They really do want to feel secure and understood and desire to feel connected and valued in relationships, just like everybody else. Feeling more confident and secure in relationships is not only possible but probable when avoidant partners are ready and willing to face their negative assumptions and take action on proven solutions.

Accomplishing this includes skill-building in the areas of recognizing and transforming coping strategies, cultivating emotional regulation, setting healthy boundaries, and fostering self- trust and empathy.

My 3 Step Framework for The Romantic Journey holds your hand every step of the way through these growth challenges, using a multimodal and experiential approach, in my course Healing Attachment Wounds.

To learn more, be sure to click the link  and sign up for the free introductory training, which will provide you with a detailed explanation of the struggles and growth challenges of your specific attachment style and help you start feeling more secure today.

>>REGISTER FOR THE FREE INTRODUCTORY TRAINING<<