Secure attachment in relationships isn’t just about romance—it’s about how you relate to yourself and others in every aspect of life. When you are securely attached, you navigate relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or professional—with confidence, emotional resilience, and trust.
So what does secure attachment look like when you’re single? Let’s explore the key principles of attachment theory and how they manifest for those who are not currently in a relationship, emphasizing self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the cultivation of inner security.
What Is Secure Attachment Style?
Attachment styles describe the way we connect with others, based on early relational experiences. There are four primary attachment styles:
- Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence. Values relationships but does not depend on them for self-worth.
- Anxious: Craves closeness but fears abandonment. Often seeks excessive reassurance in relationships.
- Avoidant: Values independence but struggles with emotional intimacy. May distance themselves to maintain control.
- Disorganized: Experiences both a desire for and a fear of closeness. Often fluctuates between anxious and avoidant tendencies.
While anxious and avoidant styles can create challenges in relationships, secure attachment allows individuals to navigate connections with confidence and stability. The good news? Attachment styles are not fixed—they can evolve with intentional work. If you’re not sure what your attachment style is, check out my blog post, Relationship Attachment Style Quiz: Discover Your Attachment Style.
To learn more about healing attachment styles, you can also check out my video “Can Attachment Styles Change? 5 Factors That Will Change Everything”.
The Role of Self-Awareness in Secure Attachment in Relationships
Self-awareness is a cornerstone of secure attachment in relationships, enabling individuals to navigate their emotional landscapes with clarity. Securely attached individuals possess a strong understanding of their values, needs, and emotions. This understanding empowers them to distinguish between survival instincts and intuitive decision-making. By engaging in ‘metacognition’—essentially being able to reflect on your experiences while you are having them—individuals can respond to situations with intention rather than reacting based on fear or external pressures.
For singles, self-awareness allows them to recognize their own behavioral patterns and triggers. This awareness helps avoid repeating unhealthy dynamics experienced in past relationships and establishes a foundation for healthy boundaries, ensuring individuals know where they end and where others begin. Developing emotional literacy—being able to name and organize complex emotional states—further enhances self-awareness, contributing to a more stable internal experience in all kinds of relationships, such as with friends, family, co-workers, and so on.
To learn more about how to recognize secure attachment in dating, check out my video, “Secure Attachment in Dating + Signs of Secure Partners.”
Emotional Regulation: The Capacity to Cope and Adapt
Emotional regulation is another critical aspect of secure attachment in relationships. The ability to manage one’s emotional responses effectively is essential for maintaining inner peace and resilience. For singles, this means cultivating what I call “soul-centered security”—a deep relationship with oneself.
True regulation is not about simply calming yourself down in moments of distress; it’s about expanding and contracting around emotions as needed. Think of regulation like a rubber band—it must be able to stretch to hold discomfort while also contracting when necessary to maintain balance. This flexible approach prevents emotional numbing and suppression, allowing singles to stay present with their feelings rather than disconnecting from them.
A securely attached single individual recognizes when they are being defensive or reactive. Even if they don’t immediately correct it in the moment, they can later reflect, take accountability, and make adjustments without feeling as though their self-worth is in question. This capacity for reflection and growth prevents them from becoming stuck in cycles of shame or self-blame.
By embracing emotional literacy—secure individuals create a stable inner world that is not dependent on external validation. This self-trust allows them to navigate the highs and lows of relationships with greater ease, making them more resilient to rejection, ambiguity, and the uncertainty that can accompany dating and solitude.
For a creative way to expand your emotional literacy and practice emotional regulation, check out my video: “From Insecure to Secure: Art Therapy Techniques to Change Your Attachment Style.”
The Role of Secure Attachment in Relationships and Self-Growth
One of the greatest misconceptions about secure attachment in relationships is that it is only relevant within a romantic relationship. However, attachment security is first and foremost an internal experience. It reflects how well individuals can hold space for their own emotional world and how they show up in relationships—romantic or otherwise.
When singles cultivate inner security, they no longer approach relationships from a place of lack or neediness. Instead, they seek partnership as an extension of the fulfillment they already possess. This shifts their dating experience from one of grasping or proving their worth to one of discernment—choosing partners who align with their values, emotional needs, and long-term goals.
Secure singles are also more capable of setting and maintaining boundaries. They recognize that boundaries are not about keeping others out but about defining what is acceptable for their well-being. Rather than people-pleasing or over-functioning in relationships, they trust that a healthy partner will respect their needs rather than requiring them to self-sacrifice to maintain connection.
Additionally, they approach communication with curiosity and openness. They are comfortable expressing their feelings without fear that doing so will lead to abandonment or conflict. Rather than engaging in mind-reading, overanalyzing text messages, or making assumptions about a partner’s interest level, secure singles are direct and transparent about their desires and expectations.
To learn more, check out my video “How To Achieve Secure Attachment Fast (NOT “Self-Improvement”).”
How to Cultivate Secure Attachment in Relationships When You’re Single
Becoming securely attached is not about waiting for the right relationship to come along—it is an active process of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and personal growth. Here are some steps that can help:
1. Practice Self-Reflection
Engage in metacognition, or the ability to observe and reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and patterns. Journaling, therapy, and mindfulness exercises can help strengthen this skill.
2. Develop Emotional Resilience
Rather than avoiding discomfort, learn to sit with your emotions. Breathwork, somatic practices, and expressive arts can be powerful tools for expanding your capacity to tolerate vulnerability.
3. Set and Maintain Boundaries
Recognize where you end and others begin. Practice saying “no” without guilt and honoring your needs without over-explaining.
4. Engage in Co-Regulation
While self-soothing is important, secure attachment in relationships also involves leaning on healthy connections for support. This might mean calling a friend when you’re feeling anxious instead of spiraling alone or allowing yourself to be comforted rather than pushing people away.
5. Shift from Performance to Presence
Many high-achieving singles approach relationships with a mindset of earning love through effort. Instead, cultivate a sense of worth that is independent of external validation. Love is not something to achieve but something to co-create.
Healing Attachment Wounds With Creative Arts Approaches
If you want to cultivate secure attachment in relationships, my signature course, Healing Attachment Wounds with Mindfulness and Creative Arts Interventions, provides a structured roadmap to help you shift from anxious or avoidant tendencies into true relational security.
With my 3-step healing framework for Healing Attachment Wounds, you’ll go from:
- Suppressing your needs to voicing them with confidence.
- Doubting your feelings to trusting your intuition.
- Feeling confused and burned out to clear and firm with healthy boundaries.
Sound good?
- You’ll learn HOW to attract loving partners without needing to be totally “healed” or forcing yourself to “wait and take it slow”.
- You’ll learn the three biggest reasons intelligent and insightful partners, still get caught spin cycle of doing “all the right things” with no real change to show for it.
- You’ll learn a valuable framework that you can use in your relationships, to deepen the connection and intimacy, IMMEDIATELY, while feeling more SECURE AND CONFIDENT.
- After registering, you’ll gain immediate access to the free training, the information page, a limited time discount offer, and a special bonus course to accelerate your results!
But you don’t have to take my word for it….
Real-Life Transformation: Julia’s Story
Julia, a self-proclaimed course junkie, came to the program after ending a marriage of 22 years. She found herself attracting partners she thought would rescue her, but it turned out they needed rescuing. Through the course, she recognized this recurring pattern, learned how to set boundaries, and stepped into her power. Today, she is in a loving, secure relationship.
Julia says:
“It is robust information, phenomenal, and rich. Just dive in and be ready to give it your all. It will be worth it.”
Final Thoughts
Understanding secure attachment in relationships as a single person is not about preparing for a relationship—it is about deepening the relationship with yourself. True security comes from knowing that whether you are single, dating, or partnered, you are already whole, worthy, and capable of creating meaningful connections.
When secure attachment in relationships is developed internally, connections become a space for mutual growth rather than a place to prove one’s worth. Whether you desire partnership or embrace singlehood, your ability to cultivate inner security will transform how you experience love, connection, and self-trust.
For support on how to feel more secure whether you are single or partnered, CLICK HERE and join the free introductory training for my course, Healing Attachment Wounds with Mindfulness and Creative Arts Interventions. Go from self-doubting to self-sovereign, and attract the soul-shaking, passionate partnership of their dreams, without a creative and fun, spiritual approach, in only seven lessons!
I hope you enjoyed today’s post. Please leave a comment with your thoughts, experiences or reflections, I take all feedback into consideration when creating new content like this.
One Response
My relationship with my ex girlfriend has been a complex, intense, and deeply emotional journey, one full of beautiful moments and heartbreaking pain. On the good days, it felt like I had finally found someone who truly understood me, a connection that was rare and profound. There were moments of laughter, love, and a sense of home that I never wanted to lose. Those times made me believe in us and in the possibility of lasting happiness.
But alongside those highs were deep struggles that tore me apart piece by piece. Communication often broke down, with silence and avoidance replacing honest conversations. When challenges came, instead of facing them together, she would withdraw, which left me feeling abandoned and confused. The very person I thought was my safe place became a source of frustration and loneliness. It’s like I was constantly chasing a version of her that wasn’t there or waiting for a connection that kept slipping away.
This pattern, of closeness followed by distance, has been utterly exhausting and has broken me in ways I didn’t expect. It’s not just sadness or disappointment; it feels like the core of who I am has been shaken. I miss her voice, her presence, and the lightness we once shared. At the same time, I’m left grappling with the pain of being left in silence, wondering what I did wrong, and trying to piece together what’s real and what’s lost.
I’m not writing this to assign blame or guilt but to offer an honest reflection of where I’m at. I love her deeply, but I’m also deeply hurt. This relationship has taken me to my lowest points and forced me to confront parts of myself I hadn’t before. I want to heal and understand how to move forward, whether that means rebuilding what we had or learning to let go.