Have you ever wondered why no contact works? If so, it’s likely at one point you felt hopelessly entangled in the emotional complexities of your relationships. Maybe you’ve experienced…
- Constant anxiety about your partner’s feelings and intentions.
- A cycle of intense closeness followed by overwhelming need for space.
- Doubts about your worthiness in a relationship, leading to clinginess or withdrawal.
- The pain of repeated patterns in relationships that seem to echo past insecurities.
As a result, you might find yourself wondering if stepping back completely could change the dynamic of your relationships, giving you and your partner the space to reflect and heal.
And really wanting to know if this space, this period of no contact, could be the key to breaking free from the cycle of insecurity and fostering healthier, more secure attachments.
Welp. You are not alone in this. In my online Facebook group of over 25k members, individuals often share posts and comments expressing those very same thoughts, feelings, and experiences, wondering why no contact works.
For example, recently a member posted the question, “Does cutting off contact really help in healing and possibly improving the relationship, or does it just lead to more distance?” If you can relate to this, this blog post is for you.
In it, I explain the nuances and psychology behind the ‘no contact’ rule, and its potential impacts on personal growth and relationship dynamics. But the most important point I make, relates to why sometimes, stepping away is not just about distancing yourself from another person, but about coming closer to your true self and needs.
This point is so important because it will really help you to understand the transformative power of no contact, not just in healing your relationships, but in fostering your journey towards soul-centered security. So, you don’t want to miss this!
What is No Contact and How Does it Work?
In our exploration of no contact, we uncover a practice often misunderstood and yet profoundly impactful. No contact is not merely a lack of communication; it is an intentional and strategic period of disengagement. This decision involves cutting off all forms of communication with a partner or ex-partner – no calls, texts, emails, or social media interactions.
The core principle of no contact lies in its purpose – a period of emotional healing and self-discovery. It’s a time to step back from the complexities of relationship dynamics and focus inward, allowing for emotional processing and clarity. This practice isn’t about escaping problems but facing them in a space free from external pressures.
Many view no contact as a form of emotional manipulation or a means to make an ex-partner miss you. However, this perspective misses the true essence of no contact. It is not a tool for influencing another person’s feelings or actions. Instead, it’s a path towards personal empowerment and emotional well-being, a journey of introspection and healing.
The Psychological Impact of No Contact
The no contact period, often seen as a time of solitude and introspection, also has its roots in psychological and physiological research.
Why No Contact is Important for Personal Growth
Emotional Detox and Self-Reflection: The value of no contact becomes evident when considering the psychological and physiological benefits of intimate relationships. According to Kamp Dush and Amato (2005), and Kiecolt-Glaser and Newton (2001), intimate relationships, particularly high-quality romantic ones, offer substantial benefits like social support, companionship, love, and sexual involvement.
However, the flip side is equally significant. Research indicates that relationship dissolution, or a break-up, can, in certain situations, relieve stress. This is especially true in cases where role strain arises – when the obligations of one’s role in the relationship become difficult to fulfill due to unhappiness or incompatibility. This perspective is supported by findings that poor quality marriages are linked with poorer mental health (Kamp Dush, Taylor, & Kroeger, 2008).
The concept of role strain aligns with the principles of no contact. The stressful-event-as-stress-relief model argues that stressful events, like relationship dissolution, can alleviate the stress of maintaining a role that no longer fits (Wheaton, 1990). This is particularly relevant for initiators of the relationship dissolution, who tend to report less distress post-dissolution (Sprecher, 1994; Sprecher et al., 1998). No contact, in this context, can be seen as a proactive step towards alleviating the stress of a misaligned role in a relationship, leading to an increase in self-esteem and resilience.
Can No Contact Help A Relationship?
While romantic relationships have been shown to contribute positively to well-being, it’s essential to recognize when these relationships turn counterproductive. Braithwaite, Delevi, and Fincham (2010) found that college students in committed romantic relationships reported fewer mental health problems compared to their single counterparts.
However, the quality of the relationship is crucial. In instances where the relationship becomes a source of stress rather than support, no contact provides an opportunity to reassess and gain perspective, potentially leading to a more appreciative and understanding reconnection.
The time apart allows both partners to introspect and understand their role in the relationship’s dynamics. This period of separation can be a transformative phase, where individuals grow independently, which can later contribute to a healthier and more balanced relationship dynamic, allowing us to more deeply understand how and why no contact works.
The Challenges of No Contact: Why is No Contact So Hard?
According to Dr. Lucy Brown,The symptoms of heartbreak, such as cravings and emotional and physical dependence, are similar to drug withdrawal.’ Why? Basically it’s about showing you the neurochemistry of what is going on at the beginning, middle and end of a relationship. Delving deeper into the chemistry of love can also help us to understand why not contact works.
The Chemistry of Love in The Beginning of A Relationship
In the beginning, neurochemicals such as Dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine are high; these make you feel enthralled and infatuated- unable to think about much else besides being with your love object. As you begin to bond and become physically intimate, your oxytocin “the cuddle hormone” and vasopressin – which inspires loving, committed feelings, also rises. The stress this heightened state of focus and awareness creates, however exciting, can also activate mid to higher levels of cortisol in the body.
The Chemistry of Commitment
As the relationship stabilizes, these chemicals start to level out, and you feel a greater sense of calm and ease with each other. For most people, this is a stage of relaxing and settling into the relationship, in which you start to trust more, and begin weaving the routine parts of your lives together.
For folks with insecure attachment however, this can sometimes trigger deeper attachment wounds and anxieties around relationships – because in their past experience, when things were good and you finally let yourself trust and be comfortable, that’s when the really bad things happened. This is more likely to be the case if there was a manipulative and narcissistic parent, or an alcoholic parent that is physically, mentally, and/or emotionally abusive and unpredictable.
Why Breakups Can Feel So Painful
In the event that the relationship does not work out, these neurochemicals change. Your cortisol, “the stress hormone” shoots up, and the other feel-good hormones drop. With the rise in cortisol you will start to feel a lack of motivation, fatigue, mood swings, memory loss, struggle to concentrate, sleep problems, and even a loss of appetite. Low serotonin can also make you feel increasingly obsessed with the person and somewhat compulsive in your preoccupation with them.
It is when your neurochemicals are in this state, that you are the most likely to break the “no contact rule” because your brain is literally inflamed, seeking relief through contact with the object of your desires. This is the worst time to connect with your partner, because it will only fuel the “love-addicted” cycle. With insecure attachment styles, this is a cyclical pattern I refer to as “The Anxious-Avoidant Trap”, in which there is a distinctive, addictive, push-pull dynamic. Specifically, this happens when you have someone with anxious attachment, pair up with someone that has avoidant attachment.
To learn more about this, checkout this video on my YouTube channel: How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship (And When to Leave)
So, let’s assume you are in a no contact period because your relationship has ended and you are trying to find your footing, connect to your own passions and pursuits, and recover your confidence and self-esteem. But the withdrawals your mind, heart, and body are going through can feel awful, because you are literally going through (naturally occurring) chemical withdrawals.
The biggest question you probably have is “How long should I go no contact?” which is another way of asking, “How long will this terrible feeling last?”
According to Dr Lee, it can take three to four hours for your cortisol levels to return to normal after a stress response (like an argument or high-stakes meeting), but if your levels have been high for some time (like in an anxious-avoidant trap situation), it can take up to six months to balance them out. And then there are the emotional and psychological themes to work through.
Let’s explore these themes through the stages of no contact.
The Stages of No Contact
According to Suzanne Lachmann Psy.D. there are seven stages of grief that are typical during a breakup. Having a first grasp of these stages and the importance of the grief process after a breakup is crucial to understanding the importance of a period of no contact, and why no contact works.
Stage 1:Desperation.
This stage is familiar to those with anxious attachment styles. There’s an intense urge to resolve any issues in the relationship. In a state of desperation, you might find yourself trying every possible solution to repair the bond.
Stage 2: Denial.
At this point, energy is focused on preserving the relationship. Denial manifests as an inability to accept the relationship’s end. This stage is often where many of my clients initially seek help, unable to acknowledge the finality of the breakup.
Stage 3: Bargaining.
Here, the fear of losing your partner becomes overwhelming. You’re ready to transform yourself into what you believe they want, hoping to rectify past mistakes. The idea of being without your partner seems unbearable, leading to a willingness to do whatever it takes to win them back.
Stage 4: Relapse.
Due to the excruciating nature of the separation, you might persuade your ex to give the relationship another chance. This stage provides temporary relief from the pain, acting like a balm to the emotional turmoil.
Stage 5:Anger.
Initially, anger might be elusive, overshadowed by fear and uncertainty. However, as the grip of fear loosens, anger emerges. It signals a shift in your emotional state, indicating a move away from paralyzing fear.
Stage 6: Initial Acceptance.
Early in the process, acceptance can feel more like resignation. You comply with the reality of the breakup out of necessity rather than choice, adhering to the new status quo with a heavy heart.
Stage 7: Redirected Hope.
After the breakup, hope might seem shattered. It’s a challenging phase where letting go feels almost impossible. However, as acceptance deepens, there’s a shift in perspective. Hope transforms from the belief in saving a failing relationship to the realization that you might just find peace and contentment without your ex.
In my work, we explore four core healing emotions that must be processed in order to embrace this stage of redirected hope. To learn more, check out this video on my YouTube Channel, How To Finally Let Go of a Lover: 4 Crucial Emotions You Can’t Bypass.
Your Motivations For Going No Contact Matter
In deciding if going no contact might be the best choice for your emotional well being and the health of your relationship, you may be wondering, “Does going no contact make a relationship stronger?” or “Does going no contact make them miss you more?”
The reasons why no contact works, depend upon your motivations. So let’s tackle these questions in brief, to clarify our emotional motivations, and then dive into the specific reasons why going no contact works, when you approach it from a more authentic place.
Does going no contact make a relationship stronger?
Going no contact can make a relationship stronger if:
- It allows for personal responsibility and accountability: No contact provides an opportunity to independently address personal issues that contribute to relationship problems.
- It helps in breaking unhealthy patterns: Taking time apart can stop the cycle of reactive behaviors and arguments, allowing for a more thoughtful approach to conflict resolution.
- It fosters independence and self-sufficiency: Time spent apart can strengthen individual identities, reducing codependency and promoting a healthier, more balanced relationship dynamic.
On the other hand, withdrawing contact can be detrimental to your relationship, if:
- It’s used as a tool for revenge or punishment: Withdrawing as a means to ‘get back’ at a partner can escalate conflict and hurt, leading to a more profound divide.
- It prevents constructive communication: Avoiding discussion of important issues can lead to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts.
- It’s a way to escape relationship responsibilities: Evading difficult conversations or decisions about the relationship can signal a lack of commitment and willingness to work through issues, which might otherwise lead to personal development and growth in the relationship.
Does going no contact make them miss you more?
The desire to make a partner miss you more through no contact may often stem from an inner child that did not receive the necessary validation or responsiveness during their formative years. This can manifest in adulthood through behaviors aimed at eliciting a specific emotional reaction from a partner, often as a subconscious way of seeking the validation and love they felt deprived of in childhood. This can look like:
Emotional Manipulation as a Reflection of Unmet Childhood Needs
When individuals use no contact as a tactic to induce feelings of longing or guilt in their partner, it can be a sign that their actions are driven by an unresolved need for attention and validation from their formative years.
The Detrimental Effects of Fear-Based Tactics
Engaging in such manipulation for attention or love often stems from fear and pain, hoping to induce fear and pain in someone else, to elicit connection. This approach not only hinders authentic communication but can also perpetuate a cycle of emotional insecurity and mistrust in the relationship.
Seeking External Validation vs. Self-Love
Relying on a partner’s response to feel valued or loved can be a reflection of a deeper need for self-love and internal validation. It’s important to recognize that seeking external validation as a substitute for inner healing can be detrimental to both personal growth and relationship health.
Overall, an exploration of these themes and taking a genuine self-inventory is crucial in understanding that the effectiveness of why no contact works; it is not just about the action itself, but the emotional intent behind it. By acknowledging these important factors, you’re moving towards a more mindful and emotionally mature approach to relationship challenges.
To learn more about this, I invite you to watch this video on my youtube channel:No Contact with Avoidant Partners: What Your Ex Is Feeling Right Now.
10 Reasons Why No Contact Works
So given everything that we now know, let’s extract the 10 reasons why no contact works.
1) Emotional Detox and Self-Reflection: No contact allows for introspection and healing from relationship stress, but if used to avoid confronting issues, it can hinder personal growth.
2) Breaking Unhealthy Patterns: It stops the cycle of reactive behaviors, but avoiding conflict resolution can lead to unresolved issues.
3) Personal Responsibility and Accountability: No contact aids in independently addressing personal issues, but if used to escape relationship responsibilities, it can signal a lack of commitment.
4) Fostering Independence and Self-Sufficiency: It strengthens individual identities, reducing codependency, but excessive focus on self may neglect the relationships’s growth, or your partner’s growth.
5) Alleviating Role Strain: No contact relieves the stress of fulfilling incompatible relationship roles, but it shouldn’t be an escape from making necessary adjustments in the relationship.
6) Facilitating Personal Growth: The period allows for individual development, but growth should also consider the relationship’s dynamics.
7) Enhancing Relationship Appreciation: Distance can lead to a more appreciative reconnection, but if the break becomes too prolonged, it might lead to estrangement.
8) Reduces Emotional Manipulation: It minimizes the chance of remaining caught in manipulative and cyclical arguments, while getting clearer on your own feelings and intentions, but requires awareness of the motivations behind initiating no contact.
9) Allows Processing of Core Healing Emotions: Essential for moving towards redirected hope, but if not processed correctly, can lead to lingering emotional baggage.
10) Improves Clarity and Decision Making: No contact provides clarity about the relationship’s worth, but it requires genuine self-inventory to avoid misinterpretations.
There you have it! Now, we have a much clearer picture of why not contact works. Yet, it is important to keep in mind, that while no contact can be an effective strategy for personal growth and relationship clarity, it risks being misused or misunderstood in several ways.
Misuse occurs when no contact is implemented as a form of manipulation or punishment, rather than as a means for genuine self-reflection and healing. It can also be misunderstood as a permanent solution to temporary problems, leading to unnecessary estrangement instead of reconciliation and growth.
Misinterpretation arises when individuals fail to honestly evaluate their motivations and the potential impact on their relationship. The effectiveness of no contact hinges on a balanced approach that recognizes its potential for both personal empowerment and relationship recalibration.
Conclusion
In summary, the efficacy of no contact in relationships, as explored in this blog post, is nuanced. It is not just a matter of distance but involves a deep understanding of personal and relational dynamics. The research and insights presented earlier highlight the psychological underpinnings and emotional intricacies of no contact, emphasizing its potential benefits and risks.
To further navigate these complex emotional landscapes, especially in anxious-avoidant relationships, I invite you to explore my mini-course on improved communication based on attachment styles, The Devotion Codex: Magic Words to Ignite Their Heart’s Passion!
This course is designed to provide guided support, including scripted conversations, to help you effectively manage and understand the subtleties of relationship communication. Incorporating clear, effective communication is vital in realizing the benefits of no contact without slipping into negative motivations. Miscommunication can lead to misunderstandings, emotional pain, and the misuse of no contact as a manipulative tool.
To harness the true power of no contact, it’s essential to refine our communication skills, especially in the face of challenging relationship dynamics like those in anxious-avoidant attachments. The Devotion Codex offers a deep dive into improving communication based on attachment styles, complete with 60 scripted conversations for practical guidance. By enhancing your communication skills, you can approach no contact with clarity and purpose, avoiding pitfalls and fostering healthier relationships.
Click this link to learn more and embark on a journey toward clearer, more effective communication in your relationships.
And be sure to leave a comment with your feedback, questions, or experience!
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