Do you think that you have an avoidant attachment style? Or are you currently dating someone with avoidant habits?
Well, then there are a few ‘avoidant attachment’ triggers that you should be aware of.
In this article, I explain which ones they are, where they come from, and what can be done about them.
Want to learn more? Read on!
What is avoidant attachment?
Many of us carry the pain from our past over into our current relationships. For people with an avoidant attachment style, this pain tends to be handled through a self-protective and intimacy-resistant shield.
‘Independent’ and ‘self-reliant’ are two typical avoidant attachment style traits. They want to face difficult situations on their own, and they hate having to rely on others. This is true even when relying on others would actually be beneficial for both parties involved.
Someone with an avoidant attachment may not always overtly avoid finding love, but they do frequently obstruct the development of true intimacy in numerous ways. Be it through their inability or unwillingness to share their deepest feelings, their tendency to implement space and distance, or their painful disappearing act once things get a little too serious, to name just three examples.
These avoidant habits make having a fulfilling intimate relationship rather hard, but the behavior often isn’t chosen consciously. Rather, it stems from their attachment style that was created during infancy.
If you would like a more detailed explanation about the avoidant attachment style, then this video is for you:
A quick introduction to attachment theory
After studying the negative impact of maternal deprivation on children, psychiatrist John Bowlby observed that early attachments shape us in fundamental ways. They not only greatly affect a child’s emotional development but also influence their relationships later in life.
Attachment is the emotional bond that develops between an infant and its caregiver(s). This primary relationship forms the foundation for all future relationships, shaping the child’s thoughts, feelings, expectations, and behavior. In other words: the type of attachment that was once shared with our caregivers is mirrored in how we relate to others.
Children who experience a warm, responsive, and continuous relationship with an adult in early life have a higher chance of becoming relationally healthy adults. If caregivers are overly controlling, unreliable, cold, or abusive, however, an insecure attachment style can develop.
Of the four attachment styles, there is one secure one and three so-called insecure ones:
- Securely attached individuals feel comfortable with both intimacy and healthy separateness in their relationships. I call these people “Cornerstones.”
- People with an anxious attachment style desire a lot of closeness with their partner. They crave love and intimacy, and they are generally highly preoccupied with the state of their relationships. I have given them the nickname “Open Hearts.”
- People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to feel a lot of unease with closeness and interdependence. They strive to be self-reliant and keep others at a distance. I like to call these people “Rolling Stones.”
- Finally, the fearful-avoidant or disorganized attachment style involves high degrees of both anxiety and avoidance. They crave a soul-shaking connection but also fear it. I call them “Spice of Lifers.”
How does avoidant attachment develop in childhood?
We’ve already established that our attachment style is created early on. But what are the ingredients for an avoidant attachment to develop?
Avoidant attachment often develops when parents or caretakers are largely unavailable and inconsistent in responding to a child’s needs. While the essentials such as food and shelter may be provided, the child’s emotional and social needs are frequently not met. In many cases, the parents openly discourage any display of emotions or bids for affection.
Most children have a natural desire to be close to their caregivers, yet when they notice that this desire is not tolerated, they can quickly learn to suppress it. To appease their caretakers, these children disregard their own needs and ignore their feelings. Of course, just like any other child, they still struggle and feel sadness, fear, and anxiety. But they do so alone and suppress these feelings as much as possible.
Some examples of parental behaviors that can lead to avoidant attachment in a child are:
- Routinely not responding when a child cries or shows other signs of distress
- Actively discouraging any display of emotions, such as crying
- Shaming a child for their emotions
- Repeatedly telling a child to ‘toughen up,’ ‘stop being a baby,’ etc.
- Making fun of a child’s problems
- Not addressing medical issues or nutritional needs
- Avoiding touch or physical contact with a child
- And so on
What are avoidants afraid of?
Caring comes at a big emotional cost for people with an avoidant attachment style. A cost that they’re oftentimes not willing to pay.
When we care deeply about someone, that person becomes important to us. And when someone is important to us, they tend to hold considerable power over our well-being.
For better or for worse.
Whereas a securely attached person knows that the people they care about have the power to hurt them deeply, they also know that these same people have the power to make them feel good and loved. Someone with an avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, may anticipate that offering someone this kind of power will mostly lead to pain and misery.
This obviously complicates tolerating true intimacy, let alone enjoying it.
Helplessness, frustration, shame, feelings of inadequacy, and general distress are just some of the negative things many people with an avoidant attachment associate with close relationships.
If we keep in mind how attachment styles are formed, this isn’t entirely surprising. After all, the pain that can come along with close emotional bonds is often reminiscent of their earlier relational wounds.
6 emotional triggers for people with avoidant attachment:
1. Feeling pressured to open up
Because of their childhood wounds, being vulnerable tends to be a huge trigger for people with an avoidant attachment style. They have spent years, if not decades, building barriers around them to keep others out. A partner who tries to get closer to them by expressing their emotions can already be quite scary, but feeling pressured to open up themselves is usually much worse.
They have probably frequently experienced others wanting them to be more intimate than they feel comfortable being. And while both Rolling Stones (dismissive-avoidant attachment style) and Spice of Lifers (fearful-avoidant attachment style) may actually desire to open up to someone, they generally do not feel safe enough to do so. Exposing our innermost self is never easy. Even less so when you fear that it will bring you nothing but rejection and shame.
2. Having to be dependent on others
People with an avoidant attachment style sometimes learned the hard way that the only person they can trust in this world is themselves. They value independence and they are proud of their self-reliance.
As children, they may have experienced high levels of distress and disappointment when the people they were supposed to depend on didn’t show up in numerous ways. Now, as adults, even the slightest need to rely on others can trigger a profound sense of weakness.
Being the source of your self-reliance also adds another bonus. After all, if you take care of everything yourself and don’t need anything from anyone, then you also won’t be hurt when they don’t give it to you, right?
3. A partner being demanding of their time and attention
In line with their desire for complete independence, many people with an avoidant attachment style also feel greatly triggered when a partner becomes too reliant on them. Especially if this leads to more demands for their time and attention.
Having to focus on others can feel like a burden. And because of their deep-rooted fear of intimacy and closeness, they are quick to feel controlled and smothered. Their boundaries and personal space are sacred. And the less time they have to themselves, the more they feel like they’re losing themselves.
So, what others see as a benign request can quickly evoke unexpected and seemingly exaggerated responses, such as lashing out and withdrawing.
What is your attachment style?
5. Being criticized or feeling judged by their loved ones
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
They may be able to take constructive criticism at work, but receiving judgment or rejection from a loved one after sharing their feelings is a surefire way for them to shut down entirely.
Spice of Lifers are particularly prone to getting triggered by criticism as they generally experience a higher desire for acceptance than Rolling Stones.
6. Feeling out of control
While romantic relationships can drastically shake up their world, many people with avoidant attachment manage to acquire a decent level of stability in their daily lives. This is especially true for the seemingly self-sufficient Rolling Stone.
This stability offers them a sense of safety. Seeing that avoidant attachment often goes hand in hand with having experienced a chaotic childhood, it is not hard to understand why.
Feeling out of control can remind them of the painful memories of helplessness that they were subjected to in early childhood. In romantic relationships, unpredictability, emotional volatility, and instability all trigger their fear of being unsafe with others. It also further proves their theory of not being able to depend on people.
7. Feeling like their efforts don’t matter
For people with an avoidant attachment style, meeting the needs of others takes a lot of effort. It requires them to go against their natural tendencies, and it opens the door to a more intimate bond. This might come easily to Cornerstones (secure attachment style) and Open Hearts (anxious attachment style), but the same can’t be said about Rolling Stones and Spice of Lifers.
To them, it can feel like a big task. So, while they won’t generally demand a lot of attention or approval, when they do go out of their way for someone, they desire recognition for their efforts.
Not feeling validated can be highly upsetting as it taps into their subconscious fear of not being enough. It proves to them that what they have to offer is inadequate. And can lead to them shutting down and giving up entirely. Because what’s the point in trying anyway?
Avoidant attachment deactivating strategies
Now that we’ve explored what triggers avoidant attachment, let’s see what happens once avoidant attachment is activated.
Being triggered can cause intense physiological stress responses. We feel overwhelmed, scared, angry, confused, and sad – often all at once!
To combat these feelings, the three insecure attachment styles have a number of strategies at their disposal.
For the anxious attachment style, these are generally hyperactivating strategies. Those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to rely on avoidant attachment deactivating strategies. And the fearful-avoidant? Well, they are prone to using strategies of both categories.
Whereas hyperactivating strategies involve trying to establish a closer connection through hypervigilance and seeking excessive reassurance, deactivating strategies involve minimizing distress through rationalization and distancing oneself from others.
The goal of these strategies is to minimize one’s distress. While they may sometimes help in achieving that, the damage they cause to interpersonal relationships can be immense.
So, what are avoidant deactivating strategies? Here’s a quick ‘deactivating strategies’ list:
- Distancing oneself emotionally
- Avoiding physical closeness
- Dismissing or rationalizing a partner’s concerns and criticism
- Focusing on a partner’s flaws and imperfections
- Fantasizing about past or ideal partners
- Flirting with others
- Always having an exit strategy on hand
- Pulling away when things are getting more serious
- Pouring themselves into work or hobbies
Recognize any of these tactics? Then keep reading and let’s see what can be done.
How to deal with avoidant attachment in relationships?
Dealing with avoidant attachment in a relationship can be challenging for both parties involved. But avoidant attachment relationship success is possible.
Below I share some tips for both the people with an avoidant attachment style and their loved ones.
How to heal avoidant attachment style in a relationship?
If you think that you have some avoidant tendencies and reading this article has left you wondering things such as: “How do I stop avoidant attachment?”, “Can avoidant attachment be fixed?” or “How can an avoidant heal?” then, first of all: please congratulate yourself for taking the time and effort to engage in this process of self-growth!
Although it will require hard work and dedication, change can happen. And I’m here to help you on your journey.
Here are a few useful tips on how to heal avoidant attachment in relationships:
- Identify your deactivating strategies
You can’t change what you don’t know. Did you resonate with some (or all) of the previously mentioned avoidant attachment deactivating strategies? Perhaps you can think of some more to add to the list?
Becoming more aware of your automatic patterns is an important step towards undoing them.
- Recognize negative thinking and challenge it
Challenging your inner critic goes both ways. Becoming more aware of your tendency to view others negatively can greatly improve your interpersonal relationships and challenging your feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy can drastically enhance your relationship with yourself.
- Communicate with your loved ones
The idea of ‘communicating’ with others may conjure up ideas of having to bare your soul. But simply not bottling up your feelings is already an excellent first step. This can mean letting others know when you feel hurt, clearly stating your boundaries, or even taking your personal space when you need it.
This will take some practice at first. Being emotionally honest with both yourself and others requires vulnerability and it might trigger your fear of rejection and shame. When done in a conscious way, however, it can be incredibly liberating and healing.
It also greatly decreases the chances for resentment to build up.
- Connect to your emotions
As a child, you were perhaps left to deal with your feelings on your own. Support wasn’t readily available so disconnecting from your emotional inner world felt safer. But just because you ignore your feelings, doesn’t mean that they disappear entirely. More often than not, they live a hidden life in your subconscious where they continue to control your thoughts and actions on a daily basis.
Feelings aren’t inherently bad. And the ‘simple’ act of consciously experiencing and subsequently accepting them, can take away a lot of their power over you.
If you would like to further explore the fascinating topic of healing avoidant attachment, in this blog post I discuss overcoming an avoidant attachment in more detail.
Loving someone with avoidant attachment
Being together with someone who has an avoidant attachment style can be beautiful, but it poses some unique challenges. Keeping in mind that their behavior and avoidant patterns likely stem from their own fears will help not to take it personally.
Besides avoiding the six avoidant attachment triggers listed above, here are some tips regarding dealing with avoidant attachment in a partner:
- Make them feel safe. Making them feel accepted and creating a safe space will help reduce their desire to withdraw.
- Be patient and understanding. Be present, give them time to express themselves, and really try to understand their point of view.
- Communicate clearly. Be honest and don’t expect them to read between the lines.
- Validate their feelings. Expressing their feelings and needs usually takes a lot of effort and can make them feel very vulnerable. Listen, be gentle, and acknowledge what they’ve shared with you.
Want to learn more about how to engage with your avoidant partner? In this video, I share five surprising triggers that you better never say to someone with an avoidant attachment style as well as the healthier alternatives that you can say instead:
Over to you!
That’s it for today!
For someone with an avoidant attachment style, intimacy can be incredibly intimidating as it has the potential to touch several of their core wounds. These wounds were often subconsciously created in early childhood and are carried on into adulthood.
While the pain itself might not always be visible, the intense responses that are evoked once their alarm system is activated, hint at something bigger going on beneath the surface.
Have you ever noticed any of these avoidant attachment triggers in yourself or others? And how do you deal with being triggered?
Share it in the comments below!
What is your attachment style?
32 Responses
I have a question please second time broken up with now what I found out is a dismissive avoidant and it all makes sense. I know he cares about me he has told me things about his past he has never told anyone and he has told me how he feels about me but then pushes me away when it gets good and life gets hard. I am secure I took multiple tests but he brings out the anxious in me when he does this to me so I have written multiple long messages explaining I am here for him and he doesnt have to do it alone. I don’t know if I am helping but letting him know how I feel and where I stand or making it worse. I also don’t want to live in limbo either I love him so much. I am willing to be there but not like this.
Hello,
Thank you for sharing your experience and your feelings so openly. The situation you’re describing is complex and emotionally challenging. It’s not unusual for a secure person to feel anxious when faced with a partner’s avoidant tendencies. And yes, sometimes love can make us behave in ways we didn’t think we were capable of, including stepping out of our natural attachment styles.
You mentioned that you’ve sent him long messages explaining your emotions and intentions. While communication is often a good thing, with a dismissive avoidant, these messages could actually make them feel overwhelmed or cornered, thereby intensifying their urge to withdraw. It’s counterintuitive but crucial to understand: the more you push, the more they might pull away.
The dilemma you’re in—wanting to be there for him but not willing to stay in limbo—is valid. You have your own needs and boundaries, and it’s essential to respect those. Being there for someone shouldn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being.
The key to navigating this relationship could lie in achieving a balance. Instead of assuring him you’ll be there, you might focus on being there in a less intense way. Sometimes just being a calm, secure presence can help an avoidant person feel less pressured and more willing to open up.
If you do decide to continue the relationship, it’s vital to do so with full awareness of both your needs and his, and the understanding that you may need to compromise, but never at the cost of your own emotional health.
Wishing you clarity and courage in your journey,
Briana
What is your question?
Your article gave me a lot of inspiration, I hope you can explain your point of view in more detail, because I have some doubts, thank you.
Hey there,
I’m really glad to hear that the article inspired you! That’s the kind of impact I aim for, so it’s incredibly rewarding to hear it resonated on some level.
I understand you have some doubts or questions. It’s completely natural—sometimes the more we learn, the more questions arise. I’d be more than happy to delve deeper into any specific points you’re curious about. So feel free to outline your doubts or questions; the more specific you are, the more targeted my explanation can be.
Your engagement with the content helps not only you but also the broader community who might have similar questions or uncertainties. So don’t hesitate to ask; your curiosity is welcomed here.
Looking forward to hearing from you and clarifying any points you’re uncertain about.
Best regards,
Briana
So grateful for your insight, I’ve been in a relationship for more than 14 years and married for ten. I am 100% avoidant detachment. My wife has done heaps of work trying to understand but this is really difficult when my triggers are engaged. She feels alone, insignificant and out intimacy is very low. We are kind and tender but we are not the lovers we once were. I’m realizing this style is very confronting for her at times and I’m trying to do more work. We have a marriage counsellor that has been very helpful but we take 1 step forward then 1 step back. Sustaining intimacy is a major challenge. I know it’s me. Any suggestions on how or what I can do to improve my relationship? (even though I would be happy not doing anything).
Hello,
First off, I want to acknowledge the significant step you’ve taken by recognizing your avoidant attachment style and its impact on your marriage. It’s a big step towards creating a more fulfilling relationship with your wife. The fact that you’ve been in counseling and are actively seeking ways to improve your relationship despite your natural inclinations is commendable.
Your awareness of your wife’s feelings of loneliness and insignificance is crucial. Often, individuals with an avoidant attachment style are not as attuned to their partner’s emotional needs, not because they don’t care, but because their own coping mechanisms can make it hard to engage on that level. Recognizing this is a great start.
Here are some suggestions that might help you navigate this journey:
1. **Understand Your Triggers**: Begin by identifying what specifically triggers your avoidant tendencies. Is it a certain type of conversation, a particular emotional demand, or a certain level of closeness? Understanding this can help you communicate these triggers to your wife, helping her to understand your reactions better.
2. **Small, Consistent Steps**: Instead of aiming for big leaps, focus on small, consistent steps towards intimacy. This could be as simple as holding hands more often, initiating a hug, or spending a few minutes each day talking about non-stressful topics. These small actions can build a foundation for deeper connection over time.
3. **Express Appreciation and Acknowledgment**: Regularly express your appreciation for your wife, especially for her efforts in trying to understand you. Feeling acknowledged can significantly impact how she feels in the relationship.
4. **Set Realistic Expectations**: It’s important to set realistic expectations for yourself and communicate these with your wife. Change, especially in attachment styles, takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and your progress.
5. **Mindfulness and Self-Reflection**: Engage in mindfulness practices. They can help increase your awareness of your feelings and reactions, making it easier to manage your avoidant tendencies.
6. **Keep Up With Counseling**: Continue with your marriage counseling. It’s a positive environment to work through these challenges. Discuss with your counselor specific strategies that could work for your unique situation.
7. **Educate Yourself Further**: Continue educating yourself about attachment styles. Knowledge is empowering and can provide you with tools and strategies to cope better.
8. **Explore Individual Therapy**: Consider individual therapy, if you aren’t already doing it. This can provide a space to explore the roots of your avoidant attachment style and work through them independently.
Remember, the fact that you want to improve and are taking steps, even if they feel small or insignificant, is a big deal. Change in attachment styles and relationship dynamics isn’t easy or quick, but with consistent effort and open communication, it’s definitely possible. Your relationship has already stood the test of time; this challenge is just another chapter in your journey together.
Best of luck, and keep moving forward with compassion for both yourself and your wife.
Warm regards,
Briana
Could you possibly explain why an avoidant who always had “relationships”, for lack of a better term, with women of, questionable character – before he found a person with a secure attachment style, who somewhat understood his style (this was long ago and this was not yet mainstream) and whom he found himself opening up with and caring for and respecting and loving, but eventually pushed away with his cheating with – more women of “ill repute.” But didn’t want her to go and didn’t really understand why she left. He actually got angry at her. He never went with a “respectable” woman again. Thank you.
Hello,
Thank you for your insightful question. It sounds like you’re describing a scenario where an individual with an avoidant attachment style repeatedly engages in relationships with partners who might not demand emotional intimacy or consistency, a pattern that can be quite telling.
In attachment theory, individuals with avoidant attachment styles often subconsciously fear intimacy and closeness in relationships. They may feel uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability and dependence on others. This discomfort can lead them to seek out partners who are less likely to challenge their need for emotional distance. Partners who might be considered of “questionable character” or those who don’t press for emotional depth or commitment can provide a safe space for avoidants to maintain their autonomy and control over the relationship dynamics.
When such an individual encounters a partner with a secure attachment style, they might initially feel safe enough to open up, as this partner likely offers a non-threatening, understanding, and supportive environment. However, as the relationship deepens, the avoidant’s underlying fears of intimacy and dependency can get triggered. Cheating can be a manifestation of this – a way to create distance and reaffirm their independence, a defense mechanism to avoid the perceived threat of emotional closeness.
The anger and confusion you mentioned when the secure partner leaves can be understood as a complex mix of feelings. On one hand, the avoidant partner may not fully understand their own actions and underlying fears. On the other hand, they might feel a sense of loss and frustration, as their actions (which are often a means to protect themselves from perceived emotional threats) lead to the very abandonment they subconsciously fear.
It’s important to note that these patterns are often deeply ingrained and unconscious. The individual might not be fully aware of why they act the way they do, and changing these patterns requires a deep level of self-awareness and often professional help. The return to relationships with partners who don’t challenge their avoidant tendencies might be a retreat to a more familiar, less threatening dynamic.
Understanding and changing attachment styles is a complex process. It involves recognizing these patterns, understanding their roots, and consciously working towards developing healthier relational dynamics. This often requires therapy, particularly with a professional who specializes in attachment theory and relational dynamics.
Hope this provides some clarity on the complex dynamics at play in avoidant attachment styles.
Best regards,
Briana
Hi Rebecca, I am the same boat… I offered support and said I am here for him etc. They say go no contact so they can regulate their emotions and miss you. But its hard.
What happened in the end? I am still in Limbo but focussing on myself.
Hi stumbled across your page and this has been really needed today . I feel like I’m going mad sometimes. I think I’m a mix of styles but avoidant resonates with me with the whole thing. I’m struggling at minute as I love him very much but difficulties with his ex and children are causing major problems, it’s not his fault and it’s heartbreaking what he’s going through but the stress of it (6 years it been going on) is making me want to leave. I have always had a tendency to leave situations if it doesn’t serve me and can very much cut people out and off and have done my whole life. I say I’m very independent and don’t need anyone. It will break my heart to walka way because do think he’s my soul mate but the situation is just too overwhelming for me, his children live with us (1 year so far) and I’m finding it extremely difficult to not just call it off so I can live a life of peace with my kids . I sound awful but I’m so overwhelmed x
Thank you for sharing your feelings with such honesty. It’s tough to navigate relationship dynamics, especially when past relationships and children are involved. Your situation sounds incredibly challenging, but recognizing your tendencies and emotions is a significant step forward.
Feeling overwhelmed and considering leaving for your peace doesn’t make you awful; it shows your awareness of your needs and limits. It’s important to care for yourself and your children, and seeking a balance between your well-being and your relationship is crucial.
Have you talked openly with your partner about how you’re feeling? Sometimes, expressing our deepest concerns can lead to solutions we hadn’t seen before. Remember, it’s okay to seek support, whether through a professional or other resources, to explore ways to navigate these challenges without sacrificing your peace or the love you share with your partner.
Strength and clarity to you,
Briana
Hi Briana,
Loving your threads; they’ve been immensely helpful. I myself am an anxious attachment style and I’ve started seeing someone who is an avoidant. My trauma comes from abandonment from my mother and his comes from his divorce (I do believe there’s more to it but this is all I’ve been privy to thus far). We’ve been seeing each other for just over two months now and I’m definitely at a point where I’m wondering when I’ll be getting more commitment from him but he has repeatedly said to me please give me time, be patient with me and it needs to be on my terms. About a month in he slept with another person and that really destroyed me, and then on a few occasions when out with friends he has said hurtful things or alternatively things about our future which he’s taken back when he’s reflected sober the next day. About a week ago I really snapped about this and told him he was hurting me too much and said I didn’t want to do this anymore and I walked out of his apartment. I did come back to him but he said to me that me walking out really upset him and we have since talked and agreed that our defence mechanisms are the polar opposite of each other and whilst he walks away I’m smothering him, particularly when I’m upset (and all of these things I know I do!) He said to me that he wants to be here with me and see me but he’s so scared of hurting me because he absolutely hates hurting people and I know that now his biggest reason for distancing himself is because I scared him and he doesn’t want to hurt me. We’re slowly coming back but I think he was at a point where he was really starting to trust me and now I’ve ruined it, the guilt is overwhelming. He has said to me he knows more of the problems are him than me, but I’ve told him it’s 50/50 and we both need to work on ourselves and be patient. I guess my question is, how can I fix it? What’s saying too much? How can I show him it’s safe here and create safety? And how can I rationalise these impulsive thoughts that overtake me and make me feel absolutely psychotic
Thank you so much for your help
It sounds like you’re navigating a complex dance of attachment styles and emotions in your relationship, which is both challenging and deeply impactful on a personal level. The dynamics you’ve described, between your anxious attachment and your partner’s avoidant tendencies, are classic but can be navigated with understanding, patience, and the right tools.
Firstly, recognizing that both of you have trauma backgrounds that influence your behaviors is a crucial step towards healing and building a stronger connection. It’s clear that you’re both aware of your defense mechanisms and the impact they have on each other, which is a valuable insight. The willingness to work on these issues together signifies a foundational level of commitment and care for each other, even amidst the difficulties.
The incident where you walked out, and the subsequent conversations about not wanting to hurt each other, highlight a crucial turning point. It shows both a need for boundary-setting and a deep fear of loss or further pain. Here, the key is finding a balance between expressing needs and fears without overwhelming each other, which is no small feat in a dynamic fraught with triggers.
Given this, I highly recommend watching my video titled “How to Support Your Insecure Partner in Love.” (https://youtu.be/qB91QI3VhHY) This video delves into understanding the nuanced needs of partners with different attachment styles and offers practical strategies for nurturing a safe, supportive environment. It can provide you with insights on how to create a sense of safety for your partner, showing him that it’s safe to be vulnerable and close without the fear of hurt or abandonment.
Moreover, to equip yourself with effective communication tools that cater specifically to navigating anxious-avoidant dynamics, consider enrolling in my course, The Courageous Communicator. This course includes a free training on my 3-step HIP communication formula, designed to transform anxious-avoidant dynamics into secure, loving connections. It’s tailored for conscious singles and couples seeking deep understanding and harmony in their relationships. You can learn more about this course and how it might benefit your specific situation here: [The Courageous Communicator Free Introduction](https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/tcc-free-introduction-communication-skills-based-on-attachment-styles-optin).
Working on your communication and understanding each other’s triggers and needs is a process that takes time and dedication. By utilizing these resources, you’ll gain access to strategies and insights that can support both of you in this journey towards a more secure and loving connection. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. Your awareness and willingness to seek solutions are already powerful steps towards healing and growth.
I am dealing with a avoidant guy and I feel like I’m anxious, but I feel like I grown and got better with things. I knew the guy since 2019 , and it’s like a cycle we always come back to each other and he with draws. He even called me his soulmate and expressed his feeling while I was dating someone else. Once things ended with the guy I was with at that time. The avoidant guy and started talking again but then withdrew from me. Now we started talking again everything was good until two days ago. He is on vacation, on a cruise. I felt I was communicating efficiently and we discussed on compromising. He said he would work on communicating. I tend to send long messages expressing my feelings. I felt he got scared off and couldn’t express his feelings. Then he said was I nagging when I wasn’t. His phone internet was bad and got all 6 messages at once. Then I tried to talk to him about the situation and kept on saying I was nagging and it makes him push away from me. Then he said he gonna stop responding to me. I waited to see he would talk to me but he didn’t. I decided to just let him know I couldn’t deal with this and it was draining, and let’s just be friends. Hope he finds what he looking for and good luck on endeavors. He told me let me get back home from vacation and we can talk , thank you so much. His comment seems condescending. I don’t if I just ignore because that’s what other people told me to do. I rather just communicate with him if he try’s to talk to me. In the mist of all this he saying he doesn’t want a relationship possibly in the future and then flirting with me. It gives mixed signals and manipulation. I need some advice on where to go from here. I would like a relationship with him but I don’t want to feel drained and feel lonely. He said in the past he is afraid of hurting me because he can’t give what I want. I told he needs to make the effort.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with this person, and I can sense the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been on. Navigating a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style can be particularly challenging, especially when you have an anxious attachment style.
First, I want to acknowledge the growth you’ve made in managing your own anxieties and improving your communication. That’s a significant accomplishment and one that you should be proud of.
It’s clear that there’s a pattern in your relationship where he withdraws after periods of closeness, which can be very confusing and hurtful. His mixed signals and inconsistent communication can make it difficult for you to feel secure and valued in the relationship.
Given his recent behavior and the emotional toll it’s taking on you, it might be helpful to take a step back and focus on what you truly need and deserve in a relationship. It’s important to have a partner who can meet you halfway, communicate effectively, and make you feel secure rather than drained and lonely.
While it’s understandable to want to communicate and resolve things with him, consider setting clear boundaries for yourself. If his actions continue to be inconsistent and hurtful, it may be a sign that he’s not ready or capable of giving you the relationship you deserve at this time.
His comment about talking when he gets back from vacation could be an opportunity to have a direct and honest conversation about your needs and boundaries. However, if you find that his responses are condescending or dismissive, it’s crucial to prioritize your own well-being and self-respect.
Ultimately, you deserve a relationship where you feel loved, valued, and secure. If he’s not able to provide that, it may be worth considering whether staying in this cycle is truly beneficial for you.
Take care of yourself, and trust in your ability to make the best decision for your happiness and peace of mind.
I have recently discovered that I have an anxious attachment style and my husband has an avoidant attachment style. I’ve been happily married for almost 10 years but when when me and my husband argue it feels as if there is never any hope for true resolution. Often I feel that in situations where I make my husband upset, it’s always over things I can’t understand why for. And when I try to explain/defend myself it only makes him even more mad, to the point where there is no point of return or chance of making up. I will be ignored for hours to days, often be degraded and told we aren’t a good couple or told that he may consider leaving me. This leaves me quite triggered and causes me to spiral out of control with my nervous system. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care for me, that he’s so cold, and just simply leaves me insecure and fearful of being abandoned. Making up is often a long process. It requires a lot of apologizing that is never really even accepted when being given. It’s also very hard to maintain my composure and not get mad and lash out from the treatment I am receiving and often feel that isn’t fair due to the fact that I am human and make mistakes as well. My question is what do I do in these situations that tend to blow up like this? How can I stop them from escalating?
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. I recommend watching two videos on my youtube channel: 1) How To Fix And Anxious-Avoidant Relationship (https://youtu.be/DXp5RQIqklE) and 8 Anxious & Avoidant Trigger Statements + What to Say Instead (https://youtu.be/aluF8zUygNE). For more in-depth support, I recommend investing in my course The Courageous Communicator. You can watch a free introductory training here: https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/tcc-free-introduction-communication-skills-based-on-attachment-styles-optin. Learn the communication formula that’s helped thousands of clients go from fearfully tongue-tied to bravely confident, in secure relationships.
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I’m absolutely broken hearted – I was seeing a man for 18 months who I never demanded anything from and he acknowledged that. He told me he wished he’d met me 30 years ago and that he could not stay away from me.
He was returning back home at Christmas and before he left he told me of his plans to return and even asked what the longest time we’d ever been apart plus he had tears and wouldn’t stop kissing me and hugging me like he never hugged me before.
Then I found out he’d returned to where I live but never came to see me. His work colleague came to see me and said he doesn’t understand it as he knows how fond he is of me but he said that in his defence his father had had 2 strokes since Christmas and his mums dementia is worse.
He’s ghosted me now for 7 months and I’m absolutely shattered by his behaviour as he was leading the relationship.
I haven’t reached out to him but I literally ache for him. His colleague said he is very quiet and when he mentions me to him his head is bowed and he just nods. My friend also saw him and said he looks very miserable.
I understand now that he is a fearful avoidant as sometimes during his working day he’d just appear and say I feel better now as I’m with you but now he’s totally cut me out abruptly without a cross word and I’m broken.
Plus tell me what could have happened – he’s 50
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with me. I can feel the depth of your pain and confusion in this situation, and I completely understand how difficult it is to make sense of it all when things seemed so hopeful. It’s heartbreaking when someone pulls away without explanation, especially when you’ve invested so much emotionally.
Please know that there is hope for your healing and growth. It’s important to remember that, despite how much we care, we cannot control the actions or outcomes with others. This can be an incredibly hard realization, but it’s also a step toward letting go and finding peace.
For a more in-depth discussion and personalized guidance, I recommend booking a consultation with me. We can explore these dynamics together and help you move forward on your healing journey. You can schedule a session here: [Private Consultation](https://brianamacwilliam.com/consultations/).
Take care of yourself during this difficult time. 💛
I wish I knew about all this , I really love this person but when we got close she just started all of the above , I have never known anything like lt , 3 months of no contact , she seems to be relived it’s all over she pulled away from me gradually and to be honest absolutely suprised me at the speed at which everything happend
I am at a loss to know what the next move going … she has a massive social media following so she short of offers I guess , I treated her like a queen now I feel like I was a big mistake for her !
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can hear how painful and confusing this situation has been for you, especially when things seemed to change so quickly. It’s really hard when someone we care about pulls away, and it’s natural to feel lost in the aftermath.
If you’re looking for a place to start in understanding these dynamics and your own healing, I recommend taking my Attachment Styles Quiz. It can provide insight into your attachment style and offer a direction for moving forward. Wishing you clarity and peace as you navigate this. 💛 This is the quiz link: https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/attachment-styles-assessment
I am dealing with something very similar. I haven’t pushed too much when he pulls back but instead have always given him space and never gave him a hard time about it until this year. He shared his avoidant attachment with me a few months ago after yet another pull-back and I’ve read so much on it since. It helped me to better understand why he withdraws and his triggers. Unfortunately, I was feeling that my needs weren’t being met and I vocalized it. Though I expressed my willingness to be patient and work through things together, he said he could not give me more and we agreed to stop communicating. Now I am second guessing my decision. Wondering if I should just let it go or reach out in time.
May I ask how things are going with you and your avoidant? I hope things got better!
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you’ve been navigating a very challenging situation with a lot of thoughtfulness and patience. I can understand how difficult it must be to balance your own needs while giving him space, and it makes sense that you would feel conflicted about your decision.
As for me, I’m actually married to a secure partner now, which has been incredibly healing for me after having experienced avoidant relationships in the past. It took a lot of personal growth and understanding to get to a place where I could have a secure, fulfilling relationship.
Whatever you decide, I encourage you to prioritize your own well-being and emotional fulfillment. Sometimes giving someone space helps them grow, but it’s also important to ensure that your needs are being met too. I’m sending you all the best in your journey. 💛
Why am I so attracted to an avoidant man? I was attracted to his name before met him. I was in mourning for nine years. He was able to defrost the glacier I had around my heart. I would never have a casual sexual relationship. I was willing with him but I didn’t even have to tell him. He is so perceptive with me. One day we were sitting on my patio and I fell backwards on my cheap patio chair. When I got up and squatted he was sitting on the carpet and I was looking straight into his eyes. He got really nervous and I later thought it was because he knew that I had feelings for him before I did. Since I cannot afford the co pays for therapy. Two lift drivers and a friendly meth addict all agree. He is in love with me too. However, he is not nice to me at all. It sure doesn’t feel like he loves me at all. He puts me down and puts more and more limitations on communication. He is involved in shady business so I gave him an untraceable phone. He accepted this phone and changed his number and stopped contacting me. We unfortunately live in the same neighborhood. He saw me in the yard and told me he would be by later and as usual he never comes. I’m not feeling as head over heels as I was. I want to move and never see him. He hurts me all the time.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m so sorry to hear how much pain this relationship is causing you. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling conflicted. It can be so difficult when someone shows signs of love but their actions don’t align with that.
If you’re looking for more insight on relationships with avoidant partners, I think this video on my YouTube channel might be helpful for you: [Why You’re Attracted to Avoidant Men](https://youtu.be/ebqCYnpbF7k). I hope it offers some clarity and support. Please take care of yourself. 💛
thanks for info.
I have been dating an introvert for a year. He couldn’t do enough for me for the first 7 months ( almost love bombing). He is a real people pleaser though and started to hurt me seeing him bend over backwards for strangers. I never got a sorry when I voiced how it made me feel except he took every thing as criticism. I noticed when things went wrong he couldn’t handle things eg : got overly charged at the airport for a case yes so annoying but all his anger was all inside him & he would then go silent and act like he wanted to cry! When things annoyed him he could never express it but his mannerism’s just went quiet & head down almost a sulk .
He hated weddings but would never tell me why. Well after a holiday & recent wedding our relationship of what was a generally good year ended . He just blurted out he didn’t want to marry me I had to ask as like I always did as his answers where always one word reply’s if it was me or anyone ? which his reply was anyone! I asked about how he felt us living together & he says he’s petrified. That he didn’t want a relationship like his parents although I am nothing like his parents.
From little comments about his parents , I got his parents I feel emotionally neglected him & there was alot of unlove & arguments in the family . His father was abused as a child & his mum had manic depression her whole life . In the year I knew my byf his mum only left the house for a short walk with the husband. I feel my partner was in denial about his upbringing as he told me things that definitely wasn’t right but he would then stand up for them. He is still enmeshed with them now at 48! It’s weird he hates them but attends to them . I broke it off with my partner as I feel he will never commit at 48 never lived with anyone . He left after I said what’s the point & sent all my stuff bk from his house within days & is not willing to talk & work on things just says he can’t I can’t do this I love you but I can’t ! And that I deserve better!
I am hurt & annoyed that I introduced this quiet timid guy that I feel has been quite isolated to a world of kayaking, swimming , hiking & he has put on weight & never looked so healthy as he did towards end of our relationship. When I met him he was extremely thin to point bones sticking out of him .
I have never met a guy that has walked away so easily & shut me out . He def has c- ptsd or possibly suffers with what his mum has but his but on a great facade the last year . Am so hurt as it took me so much to let in another man in my life again & I feel I have dated a guy that got his needs met & when I put my foot down and said no it’s over as I wanted more! then gone almost hidden rage to send my stuff bk so quick , which included a wet soggy ripped up dog toy to one cereal bar ! and never to be heard from again .
All the closure I got was from his brother saying Thankyou for giving him some normality & to not blame myself , i obviously wasn’t the one for him & to let him get on with it & he is very complicated bunny .
I feel he is avoidant totally has an amazing facade for different people who he interacts with now . It’s left me never to trust a man again.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel the depth of your hurt and confusion in navigating this relationship, especially after all the time, care, and energy you invested. Opening yourself up to love again after past pain is such a brave act, and it’s incredibly disheartening when it feels like that vulnerability wasn’t met in the way you hoped.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like your ex-partner may be carrying significant unresolved pain and trauma from his upbringing, which likely shapes the way he shows up in relationships. His difficulty with conflict, tendency to withdraw, and his strong connection to his family despite their complicated dynamics all suggest deep, unprocessed wounds. That doesn’t make what happened easier to accept, but it does highlight that his struggles were likely never about you or your worth.
One of the hardest things to grapple with is how someone can say they love you yet still not be able to meet your needs. When he said, “I love you but I can’t,” it may have reflected his awareness of his own limitations—limitations rooted in his own fears, unresolved past, and avoidant patterns. These aren’t things you could fix for him, no matter how much love or support you offered. True change would have to come from him, and he doesn’t seem ready or willing to take that step.
I understand how deeply hurtful it feels that he was able to walk away so quickly and shut you out completely. When someone has avoidant tendencies or unresolved trauma, they often cope by emotionally withdrawing and creating distance to protect themselves from feelings they don’t know how to process. The abruptness and finality of his actions are painful, but they likely reflect his own inability to handle the complexities of the relationship—not a lack of value in you.
It’s also worth acknowledging the positive impact you had on his life, as even his brother recognized. You showed him experiences, kindness, and a sense of normality that he may not have had before. While it hurts that he couldn’t reciprocate or commit in the way you deserved, what you offered him is still meaningful, even if it wasn’t enough to sustain the relationship.
The anger, hurt, and betrayal you feel are completely valid. It’s a loss, and it’s natural to grieve not only the relationship but also the vision of the future you hoped to build together. But I want to gently encourage you not to let this experience close your heart to future possibilities. This relationship has shown you what you’re looking for and what you deserve in a partner—someone who is equally invested, emotionally available, and willing to work through challenges alongside you.
If you’re struggling to process these emotions, I’ve created a video that might resonate with you: How To Finally Let Go of a Lover: 4 Crucial Emotions You Can’t Bypass {https://youtu.be/ZonILAdDS60}. It walks through the emotional steps of moving forward after loss, which might offer some guidance as you heal from this experience.
Remember, this relationship doesn’t define your future or your ability to trust again. Healing takes time, but you deserve a love that matches your openness, effort, and courage. Be kind to yourself as you move forward—you’re worthy of the happiness and fulfillment you seek.