If you have an anxious attachment style, and you’re wondering how to get over an ex, after your heart is broken, this segment is for you.
Navigating the tumultuous waters of a breakup can be especially daunting if you identify with having an anxious attachment style. The quest to understand how long it takes to get over an ex, and more specifically, how to get over an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend who has moved on, or how to heal when you’re still friends, can feel like a labyrinth of emotional turmoil. This piece is crafted for those who find themselves entangled in the echoes of a past relationship, searching for a beacon of hope amidst the heartache.
In the midst of heartbreak, the desire for a quick fix to alleviate the pain and erase memories of an ex is incredibly strong. We yearn for a magic bullet that not only speeds up the healing process but ensures we emerge unscathed, never to experience such pain again. Yet, for many, this remains an elusive dream.
The journey to moving on often feels like a series of false starts and setbacks, where every attempted remedy feels too complex or premature, and the past relentlessly invades the present, leaving feelings of frustration, hopelessness, and a dwindling motivation to try again.
For those caught in this cycle, feeling as though your ex is the one who irrevocably got away, I invite you to lean in closely.
If this sounds like you, you’re gonna wanna stick with me for a moment, because I am going to share with you the 7 steps that will help you get over a breakup, especially if you have anxious attachment.
I am also going to make you a special offer, which will help you maximize your results, if you decide you’re ready to put these steps into action!
By the end of this post, you will…
- understand how attachment styles can affect breakup behavior
- you will also know the specific struggles for folks with anxious attachment
- as a result, you will feel empowered to take control of your emotions
- have a more positive outlook about your future relationships
- and you will feelconfident that you can handle future breakups
But first, if you are new to my online community. Welcome!
Who am I?
My name is Briana MacWilliam, and I am a licensed and board-certified creative arts therapist with more than 15 years in the field helping adults struggling with insecure attachment attract and cultivate soul-shaking loving relationships using my trademark method, which assumes a trauma-informed somatic approach to healing attachment styles in a spiritual framework. If you like what you learn today, make sure that you leave a comment! I take all feedback into consideration for blog topics like these.
Now, let’s dive into our topic for today.
Do Attachment Styles Affect Breakup Behavior?
The landscape of heartbreak is influenced by a mosaic of factors, ranging from cultural norms and gender roles to personality quirks and the networks of support we’re enmeshed in. These elements collectively shape our navigation through the emotional aftermath of a relationship’s end.
Attachment styles and gender roles
For instance, within the traditional confines of a heteronormative society, research highlighted in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior reveals a tendency for women to initially feel the sting of a breakup more acutely than men. Yet, it’s also women who often find a quicker path to recovery, experiencing significant personal growth and an uplift in overall well-being as time marches on.
Contrastingly, a study in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences reveals that men might grapple with a deeper sense of loss and more intense negative emotions post-breakup, though they too may discover freedom and relief as they process their feelings. These gender-based differences in emotional journey post-breakup are not merely innate but are also sculpted by societal expectations and roles, painting a complex picture of heartache and healing.
How long does the healing phase last after a breakup?
The question of “How long does the healing phase last after a breakup?” and the challenge of “How do I stop overthinking after a break-up?” find some of their answers in the realm of attachment styles.
A fascinating study with about 800 participants investigated how these styles impact one’s personal growth after a romantic separation. The findings suggest that those with anxious attachment might experience a sort of emotional alchemy, where the intense distress of a breakup catalyzes significant self-reflection and personal development. This process can sometimes provide a roadmap, when we are grappling with painful questions like, “how to forget my ex and move forward?”, allowing individuals to process and eventually transcend their emotional turmoil.
On the flip side, individuals with avoidant attachment tendencies might find themselves stunted in their emotional journey, as their propensity to distance themselves from the pain also distances them from the opportunity for growth and true healing.
Can you fully heal from a breakup?
So, can you fully heal from a breakup? The research implies that the potential for healing and growth post-breakup is significantly influenced by our attachment styles, alongside the aforementioned factors.
This underscores the importance of understanding and navigating our emotional blueprints as we journey through the highs and lows of relationships. It’s crucial to remember that each person’s path to healing is as unique as the tapestry of their life, intricately woven with personal experiences, emotional resilience, and the capacity for introspection and change.
How Does Anxious Attachment Affect A Breakup?
For individuals with anxious attachment styles, romantic relationships often act as anchors, offering them a sense of security, comfort, and validation. The fear of abandonment looms large in their lives, driving a continuous search for reassurance from their partners. Consequently, figuring out how to get over an ex can seem like an insurmountable challenge for someone with an anxious attachment style, as a breakup triggers deep-seated feelings of anxiety, fear, and loss.
This upheaval can lead to intense feelings of rejection and abandonment, making the loss of the relationship feel like a direct hit to their sense of self and well-being. The journey on how to get over an ex is fraught with difficulties for them, as they may find themselves drawn to actions like checking up on their ex or attempting reconciliation, even when it’s counterproductive to their own recovery.
Those with anxious attachment are likely to endure more pronounced emotions and physical symptoms during a breakup due to their nervous system’s heightened sensitivity to stress and perceived threats.
Studies have linked anxious attachment to increased activity in the amygdala, the brain region that processes emotions and orchestrates the fight-or-flight response. This means that an individual with an anxious attachment style might find themselves more anxious, overwhelmed, and physically exhausted during a breakup, complicating their efforts on how to get over an ex. It becomes crucial for people with this attachment style to prioritize self-care and seek out support during such times, aiding in the regulation of their nervous system and management of their emotional turmoil.
Understanding the difference between regulating your nervous system and attempting to dodge or suppress your emotions is vital. Regulation aims to restore balance, allowing for the processing and acceptance of difficult emotions.
Conversely, avoiding or repressing emotions can lead to increased anxiety and distress over time. Discovering healthy methods to regulate your nervous system is a key step in mourning the loss of your relationship and embarking on the path of healing. This process is essential for anyone learning how to get over an ex, as it paves the way to recovery and the possibility of finding joy and connection in the future.
Healing Anxious Attachment Style After A Breakup: 7 Tips
Embarking on the journey to heal an anxious attachment style after a breakup can feel like navigating through a dense fog, with the path forward obscured by heartache and uncertainty. In these moments, understanding how to get over an ex becomes not just a question but a quest, laden with challenges that seem insurmountable. Yet, it’s within this very quest that the seeds of transformation and growth are sown.
As we delve into the seven tips to healing anxious attachment post-breakup, remember that each step, each insight, is a beacon guiding you toward reclaiming your sense of self and embarking on a path of emotional resilience and renewal.
The journey of how to get over an ex is fraught with moments of vulnerability and strength alike, offering you the opportunity to emerge not just healed, but fundamentally transformed. Here are seven steps that pave the way for such a transformation, each designed to address the unique challenges faced by those with an anxious attachment style in the aftermath of a breakup.
Step #1: Identify and Validate Your Emotions
Before you can start healing from a breakup with anxious attachment, you need to recognize and validate your emotions. You might feel angry, sad, hurt, or all of the above. All these feelings are valid, and it’s essential to acknowledge them.
For instance, a person who has just broken up with their partner might feel hurt because they were taken for granted or betrayed. They might also feel angry because their partner cheated on them, and sad because they think that means they are unlovable. Or maybe they take on too much blame and responsibility for someone else’s deceitful behavior. Only By identifying and validating their emotions, they can begin to process and heal from the breakup. Trying to escape or suppress them, is only going to make the pain worse.
It’s also important to realize that there are 4 crucial emotions that you will need to allow yourself to feel, so that you might mourn the relationship and move on. To learn more about these emotions, check out my video: How To Finally Let Go of a Lover: 4 Crucial Emotions You Can’t Bypass
Step #2: Practice Self-Compassion
The end of a relationship can make you feel like you are not good enough. This can lead to a negative self-image and self-talk. However, it’s essential to practice self-compassion to overcome these thoughts and feelings. A useful way to do this is to conceptualize the sad and wounded parts of yourself, as your inner child, and recognize the origins of where these negative self-stories might have come from, through an exploration of parts work.
Self-compassion can also encompass self care. One of the most important things you can do after a breakup is to take care of yourself. Self-care activities such as getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well can help you feel better both physically and mentally. You can also try engaging in hobbies or activities that you enjoy, such as painting, reading, or listening to music. By engaging in self-care activities, you are showing yourself love and care, which can help you heal from the pain of the breakup.
To learn more about inner child healing and parts work, check out my playlist on my youtube channel for Healing The Wounded Inner Child.
Step #3: Reframe Negative Self-Talk
The third step in combating negative self-talk is to reframe it. Reframing involves changing the way you view the situation or thought, which can help you see it in a more positive light. This step involves identifying the negative self-talk and then replacing it with positive or neutral self-talk. For example, instead of saying to yourself, “I’m never going to be able to do this,” you can reframe the thought to, “I might not be able to do it yet, but with practice and effort, I can improve.”
For another example, if you find yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” try to reframe your thinking to “Rejection is protection, and I am glad the universe is making space for a truly aligned and compatible partner to come into my life.” This shift in thinking can help you overcome negative thoughts and rebuild your self-esteem.
Reframing negative self-talk takes time and practice, but it can be a powerful tool in changing the way you think and feel about yourself.
To learn more about how to do this, check out my video: How to Stop Negative Thinking and Improve Your Mindset in Love.
Step #4: Cut Off Contact With Your Ex
The fourth step in how to get over an ex is to cut off contact with your ex, at least for an appropriate mourning period. This step can be difficult, especially if you still have feelings for them or if you were in a long-term relationship. However, maintaining contact with your ex can make it much harder to move on and may even lead to more pain and heartache. This means that you should stop following them on social media, delete their phone number, and avoid hanging out in places where you might run into them. It may be tempting to check in on your ex or reach out to them, but it’s important to resist this urge and focus on your own healing process.
To learn more about going no contact in a breakup, watch my youtube video, No Contact with Avoidant Partners: What Your Ex Is Feeling Right Now.
Step #5: Create New Positive Habits And Routines
The sixth tip for moving on after a breakup is to set goals and create a plan for your future. One of the best ways to move on from a breakup is to focus on yourself and your future. Take some time to think about what you want to achieve in life and create a plan to help you reach those goals. This could be anything from starting a new hobby to pursuing a new career or traveling to a new destination. By setting goals and creating a plan, you can give yourself something to look forward to and help shift your focus away from the pain of the breakup. Additionally, working towards these goals can help build your confidence and self-esteem, which is essential for moving on after a breakup.
Step #6: Practice Mindfulness & Connect to Spirit
Practicing mindfulness can be a powerful tool to help you get over a breakup. Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and fully accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgment. You can try practicing mindfulness through meditation, deep breathing, creative activities and art making, or simply focusing on the present moment. By practicing mindfulness, you can learn to let go of negative thoughts and emotions and find peace within yourself.
Connecting to spirit is a more profound intention to experience the transcendent. When we are suffering in a breakup, it’s usually because we are narrowly focused on that person as our only and/or primary source of love and connection. But when you tap into the life force energy of your own eternal spirit, and the collective consciousness, you always have access to connection, because you tap into a love that is omnipresent, regardless of your relationship status. This also allows you to become more fundamentally secure within yourself, and within any future relationship, you might attract.
If you’d like to learn a practical tool for this, check out my personal practical routine for cultivating felt security in any situation!
Step #7: Connect with Supportive People
Going through a breakup can be a lonely experience, but it doesn’t have to be. Reach out to supportive friends or family members who can provide comfort and a listening ear. You can also consider joining a support group or seeking the help of a therapist. By connecting with supportive people, you can feel less alone and gain a new perspective on your breakup.
Over time, this allows you to start to feel a sense of empowerment and control over your life. You’ll begin to see that you have the power to heal and move forward and that the breakup doesn’t define you.
Your Next Steps
In summary, by following these tips, you can start to heal from the pain of a breakup and move forward with confidence and optimism.
Remember to be patient with yourself and to take things one step at a time. Healing from a breakup is a process, but with the right tools and mindset, you can emerge stronger and more resilient than ever before.
If you struggle to know what “the right tools” are or how to take your next steps towards processing the loss and moving forward with confidence, ease, and optimism about finding love again in the future, my online course, Healing Attachment Wounds can help.
Ideal for beginner or intermediate students looking for information about how healing from anxious attachment, this course offers 10 hours of experiential instruction on how to acknowledge the hidden developmental traumas that lead us into push-pull dynamics in relationships, such as “the anxious avoidant trap”. It also includes three life-changing presentations from industry experts, like Kyle Benson from The Gottman Institute.
Click this link to watch a FREE introductory training!
This introductory training will teach you a 3-step framework to heal attachment wounds and cultivate soul-shaking love…. without endless therapy and no results.
#1: You’ll learn HOW I attracted SOUL-SHAKING LOVE and partnership without years of endless therapy, and no results ( and, NO, I hadn’t totally “healed” from insecurity and doubt when I met my partner, and I also didn’t force myself to “wait and take it slow”)
#2: You’ll learn the three biggest and UNCONSCIOUS mistakes I made AND so many of my clients have made, that used to sabotage my relationships EVERY SINGLE TIME, and kept me in a spin cycle of doing “all the right things” with no real change to show for it.
#3: You’ll learn a valuable framework that you can use in your relationships, to deepen the connection and intimacy, IMMEDIATELY, while healing attachment wounding, and feeling more SECURE AND CONFIDENT.
After registering, you’ll gain immediate access to the free training, the information page, a limited time discount offer, and a special bonus course to accelerate your results!
Inspiring Success Story
Overall, by implementing these tips, and implementing the right tools, you can overcome anxious attachment and heal from the pain of a breakup. Remember that you are strong and capable, and that you have the power to create the life you want.
All the things and the feels are possible for you. More than that, its even probable, once you you decide and commit to living nothing less than a next-level life, and committing to the processes that will set you on that path. The good news is, the tools you might need are relatively simple. And the MOST crucial information that you will need on this journey, already exists INSIDE YOU.
Take Stacy’s story, for example.
Stacy was the epitome of success: six-figure salary, a career trajectory aimed for the stars, but a love life mired in complexity. Frustrated by a crumbling marriage and caught in another convoluted relationship that triggered her anxieties, she often pondered, “Why can’t I get love right?”
Enter my course, Healing Attachment Wounds. What Stacy found was more than just a series of lectures; she found a lifeline.
“I realized I wasn’t alone. This course became my roadmap,” she confides.
This isn’t your everyday security anchored to a romantic partner or shaped by societal norms. It’s an alignment of your core essence—your spirit or Higher Self—with your emotional and relational well-being. It’s about building a resilient framework that lets you walk into relationships with discernment, clarity, and most importantly, an unwavering sense of self.
Stacy shares, “This course was different. I’ve had four years in therapy but nothing struck a chord like this.”
Ready for YOUR transformation?
And learn how negative energy and defensive patterning that keep you stuck in a confusion cycle, CAN be transformed and healed, so that you can RELAX into the brightest luminescence that is your spirit.
It is a process which will allow you to step into a state of being on FIYAH about life, and share that brilliance with a stars-in-their-eyes lover. Join us today!
Resources
- Bejanyan, K., Marshall, T. C., & Ferenczi, N. (2013). The gendered nature of break-up narratives: A cross-cultural analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(4), 431–447.
- Birmingham, E., & Underwood, J. D. M. (2012). Women’s coping with romantic breakup: A cross-cultural perspective. International Journal of Psychology, 47(2), 91–101.
- Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., & Vernon, M. L. (2003). Physical, emotional, and behavioral reactions to breaking up: The roles of gender, age, emotional involvement, and attachment style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(7), 871–884.
- Perilloux, C., & Buss, D. M. (2008). Breaking up Romantic Relationships: Costs Experienced and Coping Strategies Deployed. Evolutionary Psychology, 6(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/147470490800600119
- Marshall TC, Bejanyan K, Ferenczi N. Attachment styles and personal growth following romantic breakups: the mediating roles of distress, rumination, and tendency to rebound. PLoS One. 2013 Sep 16;8(9):e75161. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0075161. PMID: 24066169; PMCID: PMC3774645.
