Have you ever felt confused and unsure if your avoidant partner truly loves you? Maybe you’ve experienced moments where they seem distant and unresponsive or avoid deep, emotional conversations. Perhaps they pull away when things get too close, and express affection in indirect or subtle ways. As a result, you might find yourself wondering, “How can I tell if my avoidant partner actually loves me, when they rarely show their emotions?” If you can relate to this, this post is for you. In it, I explain the signs of avoidant behavior in relationships, the paradox of avoidant attachment in love, 8 signs an avoidant loves you, and how to foster their love by avoiding known triggers and using soft strategies in communication.
This last point is so important because it will really help you to strengthen your connection by understanding your partner’s unique way of expressing love.
And it is possible for an avoidant partner to open up, with the correct approach.
For example, when Jordan came to me he was struggling with the push-pull dynamics in an anxious avoidant relationship. But through the work he did in my courses, he was able to feel hopeful about the future of his relationships and adopt more optimistic thoughts and feelings when it comes to love. Watch this video testimonial to hear it in Jordan’s own words.
I am happy to say that Jordan’s results are not unique. Many of my students apply my unique approach to healing attachment styles to their relationships, and experience tremendous changes. If you’d like to learn more about how to do this for yourself, you can click this link, and take the free introductory training for my course, The Courageous Communicator.
This is a 90-day online course, to help professional singles and couples develop healthy communication skills based on attachment styles, using trauma-informed energy healing and art therapy techniques.
If emotional intimacy is your destination, attachment styles is the vehicle that’s going to get you there, but not without any gas…that’s where my trademarked method, and “HIP” communication formula, come in.
You see, communication is more than the words that we speak, it is the ENERGY that we FEEL and EXPRESS in relationships. Learning the right words without understanding how to process the emotional energy behind them, is going to keep you stuck in cyclical negative patterns in love.
But once you master this skill, you’ll know how to inspire deeper love and intimacy, while getting your needs met, without a paralyzing fear of rejection or abandonment.
If that sounds good to you, click this link to learn more about that.
And meanwhile, let’s go ahead and dive into our topic for today.
Signs of An Avoidant Partner, in Relationships
In a relationship with an avoidant partner, it’s common to encounter specific behaviors that reflect their attachment style. These behaviors can manifest as a reluctance to commit fully, a fear of emotional intimacy, or an inclination to prioritize individual needs over the relationship. Avoidant partners may struggle to express their emotions openly, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts with their partners.
One of the key signs of avoidant behavior in relationships is a tendency to create emotional distance as a means of self-protection. This can manifest in behaviors such as avoiding physical closeness, becoming emotionally unavailable during times of stress, or withdrawing when faced with conflicts. It’s important to recognize these behaviors not as a rejection of love but as a defense mechanism that stems from their fear of vulnerability.
Despite their avoidant tendencies, it’s essential to remember that avoidant partners are capable of love and deep emotional connections. By being patient, understanding, and supportive, you can help your avoidant partner feel secure and valued in the relationship. Recognizing and addressing these avoidant behaviors can lay the foundation for a healthier and more fulfilling partnership.
Signs An Avoidant Loves You, But Is Scared: The Paradox of Avoidant Attachment Style
If you’re wondering, how to know if an avoidant partner loves you… you are not alone. This confusion often stems from the paradox of how avoidants show love. The paradox of loving someone with an avoidant attachment style lies in their ability to experience deep emotions while simultaneously fearing the vulnerability that comes with intimacy. Avoidant partners may struggle to express their love openly, leading to misunderstandings and doubts about their feelings, leading you to miss the signs that an avoidant loves you. However, beneath their guarded exterior, avoidant partners are often capable of forming strong emotional bonds with their partners.
For an avoidant partner, loving someone means navigating a delicate balance between their need for independence and their desire for connection. They may struggle with feelings of insecurity and fear of engulfment, making it challenging for them to fully open up to their partners. Despite these challenges, there are signs that an avoidant loves you, albeit in their unique and subtle ways. We will get into those in a moment, but for now, let’s look at some signs an avoidant loves you but is scared:
-Inconsistent Communication: They might go from texting or calling regularly to suddenly becoming distant and unresponsive. This fluctuation shows they are scared of getting too close but still want to maintain a connection with you.
-Acts of Service with Hesitation: They might do things for you that show they care, like helping with tasks or running errands, but they often do so without openly acknowledging their feelings. The reluctance to verbally express their love alongside these actions indicates a fear of vulnerability.
-Limited Quality Time: They make time for you, but it’s often in settings where they feel less emotionally exposed, like casual outings or group activities. This choice of low-pressure environments demonstrates their fear of intimacy while still wanting to be around you.
-Brief Moments of Vulnerability Followed by Withdrawal: Occasionally, they may share something deeply personal or emotional, but these moments are fleeting. They quickly retreat afterward, either by changing the subject or distancing themselves, revealing their internal struggle with letting their guard down.
-Reconnection Attempts After Periods of Distance: After they withdraw due to feeling overwhelmed, they make efforts to reconnect. This might include reaching out with a simple message or trying to resume normal interactions without discussing their disappearance. Their attempts to reconnect, despite avoiding discussions about their withdrawal, show they are scared of losing you but are also fearful of confronting their emotions.
Understanding this paradox can help you appreciate the depth of an avoidant’s love and the complexities of their emotional world. By acknowledging their fears and insecurities, you can create a safe and supportive space for your avoidant partner to express their love in their own way.
And believe it or not, many avoidant partners are willing and wanting to come out of their shell, and they will take actions to support their own healing in relationships.
8 Signs An Avoidant Loves You
If you’re in a relationship with an avoidant partner, you might not see the classic romantic gestures often portrayed in movies. How avoidants show love can be more subtle yet hold deep meaning. The signs an avoidant loves you can be easily overlooked or misread because they deviate from typical romantic behaviors. Understanding these unique expressions of affection is like deciphering a hidden language; once you grasp it, you’ll gain a profound insight into how avoidants show love.
Here are some indicators that an avoidant partner is in love, accompanied by examples:
1) Initiating Contact
Despite their preference for independence, an avoidant partner who is in love will start reaching out more frequently, showing they’re thinking of you. It’s their way of subtly letting you know that you are on their mind. For example, they might say, “I came across this and thought of you, so I had to share it.”
2) Consistent Time Together
Avoidant partners usually cherish their alone time, but if they’re consistently setting aside time for you, it’s a strong sign of their affection. By making regular plans, they demonstrate that you are a priority in their life. An example might be, “What do you think about making Thursday nights our regular dinner date?”
3) Opening Up
Sharing personal stories or vulnerabilities is a significant move for an avoidant partner, as it means stepping out of their comfort zone. This openness indicates they feel safe with you. For instance, they might say, “I don’t usually talk about this, but I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with you.”
4) Inclusion in Their Life
Inviting you into their private spaces, like their home, or introducing you to close friends, indicates deep trust from an avoidant partner. This inclusion signifies that they see you as a significant part of their life. They might say, “I’d like you to meet my friends this weekend. They’re eager to meet you.”
5) Thoughtful Gestures
Instead of verbal affirmations, avoidants often show they care through actions. Thoughtful gestures are their way of expressing love and appreciation without using words. An example could be, “I know you like your coffee a certain way, so I made it just for you.”
6) Respecting Boundaries
Avoidant partners express love by respecting your autonomy and giving you space, believing that love means non-intrusion. This respect for boundaries shows they care about your comfort and well-being. They might say, “I didn’t want to overwhelm you with messages. I thought you might need some time for yourself today.”
7) Practical Help Over Emotional Support
Instead of offering emotional comfort, an avoidant partner may show care by providing practical solutions or helping with tasks. This approach is their way of being supportive while maintaining a degree of emotional distance. For example, they might say, “I saw you were stressed about your broken laptop, so I fixed it for you.”
8) Creating Distance After Intimacy
Following periods of closeness, an avoidant partner might seem to withdraw, not as a retreat in affection but as a way to process the intimacy. This behavior is their method of recharging emotionally. They might explain, “I’ve been a bit quiet because I needed to recharge, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about you.”
These behaviors can be confusing and might seem counterintuitive as expressions of love. However, for an avoidant partner, these actions represent significant efforts to connect within their comfort zone. Recognizing and understanding these signs can be crucial in deepening the relationship.
To delve deeper into this topic, check out my video: The Surprising Traits That Attract Avoidant Partners
Now, I am going to pause there and ask – do you recognize any of these signs in your experience? Can you relate to this? I would love to know in the comments there.
How To Know If An Avoidant Loves You: The Importance of Communication
Okay, now let’s say you’re able to check off most of these items on the list. Now, you might be wondering, “How can I support the growth of their love and this relationship?”
Well this really speaks to the importance of communication in nurturing how avoidants show love.
Communication plays a vital role in any relationship, but it’s especially crucial in mastering how to know if an avoidant partner loves you. Avoidant partners may struggle to communicate their feelings openly, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts with their partners. By fostering open and honest communication, you can create a supportive environment for your avoidant partner to express their emotions, and develop a greater capacity for picking up on the signs an avoidant loves you.
One of the key aspects of communication in an avoidant relationship is using “soft strategies” in communication. These are communications that express appreciation, respect for their autonomy, and invite them to be part of finding solutions.
Avoidant Triggers in Communication
For example, a common triggering statement for an avoidant partner is, “You wouldn’t say/do that if you really loved me.”
An anxious partner might say this to their avoidant partner when they feel like their partner isn’t being supportive, or when they feel like their partner is withdrawing from the relationship. And that’s because for the anxious partner, they are usually singularly preoccupied with what their partner is doing, and the state of the relationship. They also often conflate acts of service with the depth of someone’s emotional affection.
On the other hand, a dismissive-avoidant partner is usually singularly preoccupied with their own autonomous passions and pursuits, in the extreme. That means they don’t always take their partner into consideration when making plans or decisions that might affect the relationship as a whole. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is not on their priority list somewhere, it’s just usually not nearly as high as it is for the anxious partner. Therefore, the avoidant partner will often interpret this anxious statement as an accusation or attack. They may feel like their anxious partner is trying to control them with guilt or shame, and they will likely become defensive and withdraw further.
So, what can you say instead?
Soft Strategies in Communication
A better way to phrase this would be, “I’m feeling really lonely right now. Are you available for some support? I really appreciate it when you…xyz.” or “I’m feeling really alone right now, is there any way that we could connect?”
With the first statement, you are focusing on your feelings and offering specifics about how they can contribute to your feeling better, by identifying how they have succeeded with you, in the past. You are also communicating your autonomy, even in a state of need. By asking them if they are available, instead of “demanding” what you need from them, you acknowledge their choice to contribute to your emotional state, while avoiding critical, conditional, or judgemental ideas about how they “should” be loving you, according to a set of standards that don’t apply to them. It also communicates that you recognize their love in the ways that they know how to give it, and that you are receptive.
In the second statement, you are being honest about the feeling you are having, instead of focusing on the condition and creating an opening for them to step in, and offer solutions that will allow them to succeed with you, by changing the conditions based on their own ideas.
Want to learn more about soft strategies in communication?
Click this link, and take the free introductory training for my course, The Courageous Communicator.
This is a 90-day online course, to help professional singles and couples develop healthy communication skills based on attachment styles, using trauma-informed energy healing and art therapy techniques.
What makes this program so unique is the combination of skill building in communication based on attachment styles, using trauma-informed experiential modalities, that connect to the emotional energy tied up in your body and nervous system. When we work with the body directly and in creative, fun, and playful ways, insecure attachment styles that have been resistant to change, start to soften and relax, and relatively quickly.
This allows you to go from suspicious, fearful and anxious to confident, trusting and at ease, sometimes within only 90 days.
But don’t take my word for it, here are some more success stories from students that have taken this course…
If you are interested in results like these, be sure to click this link, and you will be taken ot a registration page for the free introductory training to The Courageous Communicator Course. This will walk you through my HIP communication formula, for achieving more safety, security, and passion in loving relationships.
So now, let’s dive into some final thoughts for today.
Final Thoughts
Deciphering the subtle signs of love from an avoidant partner requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to navigate the complexities of their attachment style. By recognizing the unique ways in which avoidants express their emotions, you can gain valuable insights into the depth of their love for you. Communication, understanding, and respect are essential in fostering a secure attachment with an avoidant partner and building a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.
Remember that love comes in many forms, and an avoidant’s love may be expressed through actions, gestures, and moments of vulnerability. By paying attention to these subtle signs and adapting to their love language, you can create a more supportive and understanding environment for your relationship to thrive. Seeking professional help when needed can provide additional support and guidance in navigating the challenges of an avoidant attachment style.
With patience and understanding, if your partner is ready, willing and able, you can unlock the hidden depths of an avoidant’s love for you.
On the other hand, if a partner is not ready, unwilling or incapable of showing up to the relationship with the effort required to open up and invite a co-creative process of healing and growth within the relationship, it may be time to let it go.
Sometimes letting someone go is a sign of loving them through acceptance. You are Accepting where they are on their path. And by doing so, you also come to accept where you are. it’s okay that you both need different things in order to honor your unique growth trajectories. Love never goes away – it just changes form.
And so, I would leave you with a thought provoking question: What new form of love is your soul asking for? Set your mind and heart to cultivating an answer, and your next steps will present themselves to you.
If you got something out of this post today, please leave a comment below. I take all feedback into consideration when making new content like this.
Thank you and have a great week!