A Guide to Effective Communication with Secure Attachment (2023)

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Are you struggling to communicate effectively in your relationships? Do you find yourself constantly misinterpreting your partner’s words or intentions? If so, you may want to take a closer look at your attachment style. Your attachment style, which is formed in early childhood, can have a profound impact on your interpersonal communication skills and your ability to connect with others.

You can learn your attachment style by taking the 4-question quiz, here.

In this blog post, we will explore how attachment styles affect communication in relationships. We will examine the four main attachment styles – anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure – and how each style can impact communication in different ways. You’ll learn why attachment is so important for effective communication skills and we will explore the reasons why individuals with insecure attachment might find it challenging to communicate with secure people, and how to turn that around. We will also examine the strengths that securely attached folks bring to the table and six effective tips for communicating with them. 

By the end of this segment, you will feel more confident and better prepared to communicate effectively with securely attached individuals. You will also have a greater appreciation for the strengths and benefits that secure people bring to relationships. With these newfound communication skills, you’ll be on your way to creating a strong bond and thriving relationship with anyone in life!  

If you prefer to watch this content on YouTube, you can check out the video, here: 

Why attachment styles are important

First, let’s define attachment. Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between a child and their primary caregiver. This bond sets the foundation for all future relationships and influences how individuals approach interpersonal communication. Attachment styles are based on how individuals perceive and respond to their caregiver’s responsiveness, availability, and attunement to their needs. These early experiences can shape an individual’s attachment style and influence how they communicate with others.

Anxious Attachment Style

The anxious attachment style is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness and reassurance. Individuals with this attachment style may struggle with trusting their partner and may have difficulty regulating their emotions. But these struggles can be overcome. Effective communication with an anxious attachment style involves validating their feelings, providing reassurance, and communicating clearly and consistently.

Avoidant Attachment Style

The avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of intimacy and a tendency to distance oneself from their partner. Individuals with this attachment style may struggle with vulnerability and may avoid conflict. Effective communication with an avoidant attachment style involves respecting their need for space and independence, being patient, and building trust over time.

Disorganized Attachment Style

The disorganized attachment style is characterized by a lack of consistent patterns in attachment behavior. Individuals with this attachment style may have experienced trauma or abuse in their childhood, leading to confusion or ambivalence in their relationships. 

Secure Attachment Style

Finally, the secure attachment style is characterized by a sense of trust, security, and comfort in relationships. Effective communication with a disorganized attachment style involves being patient, providing a safe and stable environment, and seeking professional support if needed.

 Individuals with this attachment style tend to have more positive communication patterns and enjoy deeper connections with their partners. 

How do attachment styles affect relationships?

If you have an anxious attachment style, you may struggle with feeling insecure in your relationships and may seek constant reassurance from your partner. On the other hand, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you may have a tendency to distance yourself from your partner and may struggle with vulnerability. And if you have a disorganized attachment style, you may struggle with regulating your emotions and may experience confusion or ambivalence in your relationships. Effective communication with a secure attachment style involves being open, honest, and authentic, and building a strong emotional connection.

By understanding how attachment styles affect communication, you can learn to recognize your own attachment style and improve your communication skills. Whether you’re looking to build deeper connections with your loved ones or simply want to communicate more effectively in your daily life, this post will provide you with the tools and insights you need to succeed in experiencing more secure attachment in your relationships.

Communication barriers with a secure attachment style

Communication is an essential element of every relationship, and it plays a crucial role in building and maintaining a strong and healthy bond. However, effective communication requires more than just talking and listening; it also involves understanding each other’s perspectives, emotions, and needs. 

When it comes to partners with secure attachments, communication tends to be smoother and more successful, until they encounter someone with insecure attachment. And why is that? Let’s explore the difficulties insecurely attached individuals might have in communicating with someone that has secure attachment, first. 

Why insecure partners struggle with communication

Generally speaking, people with insecure attachment have a difficult time trusting others and forming close relationships. They may have experienced rejection or neglect in the past, making them fearful of getting close to others. 

Insecurely attached individuals may also find it difficult to communicate effectively because of their tendency to discount or deny how they feel and think. They may struggle to express their emotions or needs openly, as they fear being rejected or misunderstood. This can lead them to become defensive or shut down when faced with emotional requests, or constructive criticism, which can create a barrier to true understanding. 

Additionally, these individuals may be more prone to mistrust and misinterpret the intentions of their partner, and that can cause undue stress in the relationship, as well as mixed signals in communication. When communicating with a secure partner, They may also misinterpret their partner’s behavior through a disproportionately negative lens, even when their partner is trying to be supportive and caring.

How secure communication styles are misinterpreted

For example, secure individuals are more confident and trusting in their relationships. They are comfortable with emotional intimacy, and express their emotions and needs clearly and directly. They also don’t take things so personally and have an expectation that their partners would do the same, but this is not always the case with insecure partners, who are usually sensitive to and afraid of emotional honesty and direct communication. Insecure partners can sometimes experience directness as being overly candid or “harsh.” 

If a secure partner accurately identifies what their partner is thinking or feeling and calls attention to it, before the insecure partner is ready to acknowledge and process their feelings, they might respond by feeling “attacked” or consider the focused attention a form of criticism or judgment. 

Secure partners also respond to their partner’s emotional cues in a supportive and empathic manner and usually want to take action to support them. Sometimes insecure partners interpret this intent as a negative appraisal of their agency and personal capacity;  assuming their secure partner thinks that they can’t do it for themselves. Which they then experience as a form of condescension, manipulation, or an attempt at controlling them. The secure partner may find it challenging to understand this perspective, which may lead to confusion and frustration, and escalating conflicts.

To learn more about this, I recommend checking out the video on my YouTube channel, 4 Attachment Styles: A Basic Overview.

This video provides and overview of the 4 attachment styles, to help you begin to understand how these dynamics play out in your relationships.

Signs of Secure Attachment Style: Traits and Strengths

Securely attached partners have several strengths that make them great communicators in relationships. These strengths include:

  • Emotional regulation: Secure individuals are excellent at regulating their emotions and managing stress, which helps them remain calm and rational during conflicts.
  • Empathy: Secure individuals have a high level of empathy, allowing them to understand and connect with their partner’s emotions and needs.
  • Trust: Secure individuals have a deep sense of trust in their partner, making them feel safe and secure in the relationship.
  • Communication skills: Secure individuals are skilled communicators, able to express their thoughts and feelings clearly and listen actively to their partner’s perspective.
  • Positive attitude: Secure individuals tend to have a positive outlook on life and relationships, making them more resilient and adaptable to challenges.

 

To learn more about secure attachment, I recommend watching my youtube video: Secure Attachment 101. 

In this video, I talk more specifically about what secure attachment means in a relationship,  and how to help you recognize it.

Healthy Communication in Relationships with Secure Attachment: 6 Tips

Okay! So far, we have covered the 4 different types of attachment styles, and how attachment styles affect relationships. We also explored why insecure partners might struggle to communicate with secure partners and outlined the strengths and traits of secure attachment, specifically. Next, let’s dive into our six tips for developing healthy communication skills in relationships with secure partners.

1. Be Humble and Curious 

Instead of leading with suspicion or a defended energy because of fears of getting hurt, assume whatever you are discussing probably isn’t about you, and instead lead with curiosity. You can do this while still honoring your feelings and your needs while making space for someone else’s. 

For example, “I felt hurt when you said that. Can you try saying it another way, so that I’m able to hear you better? I want to understand, but this is starting to feel unsafe.”  Secure partners are going to appreciate your candor and they will want to contribute towards you feeling safe enough to ask more questions so you can understand them better.

2. Practice Active Listening

Listen actively to your partner’s perspective, trying to understand their emotions and needs. Avoid interrupting or judging, and ask questions when you are not sure. Also be mindful of the conclusions you might be jumping to in your head, and make sure you confirm your assumptions before acting on them.  For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated, and I find myself assuming that means you’re thinking xyz, is that true?”

3. Take Responsibility 

Take responsibility for the impact of your behavior, even if you don’t intend to hurt someone’s feelings. Remember that there are two people participating in the relationship, and both of you have a right to feel safe and loved in that shared emotional space.  Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. For example, “I can see how that would upset you, and I know how awful that feels. I am sorry I contributed to that feeling and would like to be a part of the solution if you’ll tell me how.”

Quick note, in some abusive or emotionally manipulative relationships, partners may take advantage of your willingness to assume responsibility and try to get you to assume ALL the fault and blame for what goes wrong in the relationship. If you’re not sure if this is your situation, I recommend watching my video “6 Signs of a Toxic Relationship + How to Fix It.”

4. Focus on Solutions

When conflicts arise, focus on finding solutions that work for both of you, rather than perseverate on the problem and start hashing things up from the past. You can acknowledge the impact of what’s happened in the here and now, without blame or criticism and work collaboratively towards a mutually satisfactory resolution. For example, “You have every right to feel that way, and I want to work together to make sure that both our needs are met moving forward. How can we make a plan to do it differently next time?”

5. Be Authentic 

In other words, Be honest about how you’re feeling, when you’re feeling it: Ask for support when you need it. Avoid taking on all the emotional labor yourself and learn to lean on your partner when you need help. For example, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can you help me with this?”

For chronic people-pleasers, this can be a difficult task, because they are used to suppressing their needs to avoid negative repercussions in love, and so they are often very concerned with figuring out just the right things to say and do that will please a partner and keep them around. But unfortunately, that energy communicates a disconnect between who you are and how you are expressing yourself, and that can make it feel unsafe for your partner. To learn more about how important it is to be aware of what your energy is communicating non-verbally about the degree of authenticity you are expressing, check out this video: How To Achieve Secure Attachment Fast (NOT “Self-Improvement”).

Before I share the last tip, I am going to take a brief pause here and ask, if you’ve tried these tips before, and how did it go? Or if you are secure,  how would you respond to this approach? Let me know in the comments below!

Now, the last tip is to …

6. Assume The Best

Assuming the best of your partner’s intentions in a romantic relationship is a crucial aspect of building trust and fostering healthier communication, particularly in times of conflict with insecure partners. When we assume the best of our partner’s intentions, we give them the benefit of the doubt, and we are more likely to approach them with an open mind, empathy, and understanding. This approach allows us to see things from our partner’s perspective, which can help us to identify potential misunderstandings and clarify any miscommunications. Moreover, assuming the best of our partner’s intentions can help us to avoid jumping to conclusions, being defensive, or becoming overly critical or accusatory in our communication. By practicing this mindset, we can create a safer and more positive environment for effective communication, leading to stronger and healthier relationships in the long run.

How to stop negative communication proactively

Here’s an example:

Imagine you come home from work feeling tired and stressed, and your partner greets you with a seemingly insensitive comment, “You look like you had a rough day, what’s wrong with you?” 

Without assuming the best of your partner’s intentions, you might interpret their comment as rude, uncaring, or even accusatory, which could lead to an argument or negative communication. However, if you assume the best of your partner’s intentions and believe that they are genuinely concerned about you, you might reframe their comment as an expression of empathy or an invitation to share your feelings because they want to help with whatever is wrong.

 In this case, instead of responding defensively,  you might respond by saying, “Yes, I did have a rough day, thank you for noticing. Do you have a minute to talk about it and let me vent? That would help a lot.” 

By assuming the best of your partner’s intentions, you can turn a potentially negative interaction into a positive one, and open the door to healthier communication in your relationship.

Final Thoughts

Securely attached individuals have several strengths that make them ideal communicators, including emotional regulation, empathy, trust, communication skills, a positive attitude, and more. By following these six effective communication tips, individuals can build stronger and healthier relationships with their partners, even if they have an insecure attachment style. 

Here are those six tips, again:

  • Be humble and curious
  • Practice active listening
  • Take responsibility
  • Focus on solutions
  • Be authentic
  • Assume the best

 

And the benefits of learning to communicate more effectively with secure partners are manifold. 

The benefits of healthy communication in relationships…

Just imagine, what if…

Rather than your partner shutting down and running for the hills, they pull you close and whisper “Thank you for telling me, let’s work this out.”

Being able to recognize and communicate your needs fearlessly, and having your partner love and respect you all the more for it; “I had no idea you needed that, I’m happy to know how I can support you.”

Knowing ahead of time how and why your partner might react to certain situations, based on their attachment style, and knowing just the right words to put them at ease and get them to listen to you; “That’s not easy for me to hear, but I feel closer to you, now that you told me.”

It’s not a fantasy.

This can be YOUR reality.

It’s all possible for you, when you put these six tips into action. 

It sounds like too much work…

Believe me when I tell you this…

YOU DON’T have to HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT before you start reducing the conflict in your relationships.

YOU DON’T have to BE FULLY “HEALED” of your own emotional baggage before you can give a partner the benefit of the doubt.

YOU DON’T have to AVOID ALL ARGUMENTS to find harmony in relationships.

YOU DON’T need to SWALLOW YOUR NEEDS or desires to keep a partner around.

Remember, communication is a two-way street, and it takes effort and practice to improve it. With patience, empathy, and commitment, individuals can create a more secure and fulfilling relationship with their partner.

And If you like support with this, take the free quiz, to find out how insecure attachment styles may be affecting the health of your relationships, and a special offer for putting these tips into action!

Remember to leave a comment letting me know your thoughts, and what related topics you’d like to learn more about, I take all comments and feedback into consideration when creating new content like this. Have a great day!

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2 comments

  1. Fantastic blog Brianna, thank you, it helps summarize everything beautifully when people ask what the course covered 😀

    1. You’re very welcome! I’m thrilled to hear that you found the blog helpful in summarizing the course content. If there are any more questions or topics you’d like me to cover in the future, please feel free to let me know. Your feedback is invaluable, and I’m here to assist you on your journey to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. 😊

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Hi, I'm Briana.

And I love romance novels and campy science fiction shows (anyone else a die-hard Supernatural fan?). I also like being my own boss. Doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. And treating work like play. Through my education, professional experience, and personal life experiences, I have come to passionately serve insecurely attached adults, who want to experience soul-deep intimacy, in their romantic relationships.

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