Are you going through a breakup from a partner with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
Someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style generally avoids true intimacy and closeness. Yet, deep down, they also desire a soul-shaking, passionate love.
So, how does a dismissive avoidant breakup work? And will they ever come back? Let’s find out…
What is your attachment style?
What is the dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
Someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style wants space. And lots of it!
Being avoidant does not mean that someone avoids any kind of feelings. In fact, they might even revel in the passionate beginnings of a relationship. But, ultimately, they feel like they don’t really NEED a relationship. And once the demands and commitment start exceeding their capabilities, they are more likely to bail.
Naturally, this complicates building a long-lasting relationship that is both intimate and fulfilling.
If you would like a quick recap on the avoidant attachment, then this video will help you:
However, the dismissive-avoidant attachment style is just one of four different options.
The other three styles are:
- The anxious attachment style, or what I like to call “Open Hearts.” These individuals want a lot of closeness with their partner, and they will go to great lengths to secure it.
- The fearful-avoidant or disorganized attachment style, or “Spice of Lifers.” These people show seemingly contradictory desires; they want closeness, but also fear it.
- The secure attachment style, or “Cornerstones.” Securely attached individuals are comfortable with both intimacy and separateness in relationships.
Now, nobody is purely anxious or dismissive-avoidant. It’s about a spectrum, on which you’re constantly moving around.
This is also why I like to use terms such as, “Rolling Stone” and “Open Heart”. Calling someone “avoidant” or “anxious” can be rather limiting. It doesn’t allow for growth. And it reduces people to those adjectives. That’s not what we want to do!
That said, those with avoidant attachment, or “Rolling Stones”, tend to behave in a certain way during the relationship and breakups. And that’s what we’ll look at next.
What happens when you break up with an avoidant?
Whether you were the one to initiate it or not: breakups hurt.
Any separation has the potential to be heart-breaking, but this is especially true when it was unexpected.
And that’s exactly how many people describe the ending of their relationship with a Rolling Stone: unexpected! This can make a dismissive avoidant breakup particularly painful.
Just when things seem to be going so well, they jump ship and disappear…
Why do they do this? Will they regret it? And is no contact the best course of action? Keep reading.
Why did my dismissive-avoidant suddenly break up?
To understand why someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style suddenly runs off, you have to learn more about their fears and worries. Particularly their difficulties with intimacy.
At the beginning of the relationship, you and your Rolling Stones were probably head over heels for each other. The connection seemed instantaneous and the excitement was real.
After some months, however, things begin to change. As you get to know each other better, the intimacy increases too. You grow closer and closer to one another. And before you know it, both of your attachment systems are fully switched on and old default habits are triggered.
You might enjoy the enhanced sense of connectedness and desire more and more of it. But a dismissive-avoidant Rolling Stone sees it differently. To them, intimacy is a threat. They begin to feel overwhelmed, and getting back to safety becomes their new priority.
And if that involves running far away from you and your blossoming relationship, then so be it.
How do dismissive-avoidants handle breakups?
Now, if a Rolling Stone fears intimacy, then you could assume that they are not negatively affected by a breakup, right? Well, not entirely!
Rolling Stones are guarded, but they’re not made of stone. They like to think that they have a lot of emotional control, and in a way, they do! But at the end of the day, they can’t control ALL emotions. Especially not when a close relationship has truly touched their sense of self.
If that’s the case, they too will have recurring thoughts about their ex-partner. And due to their less than stellar coping mechanisms, their distress is often prolonged.
Dismissive-avoidant after breakup: short-term
Rolling Stones see themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable. So in the aftermath of a painful breakup, they are less likely to turn to friends and family. They want to deal with things on their own. And when it comes to challenging, romantic feelings, airing their ‘dirty laundry’ is often the last thing they want to do.
However, due to their inability to truly sit with painful emotions, they often go to great lengths to suppress and deny them. And thanks to their rational way of being, they may appear to succeed in that too!
At least, so it seems…
Dismissive-avoidant after breakup: long-term
For a Rolling Stone, a dismissive avoidant breakup can at first evoke feelings of relief, but eventually, they too have to process the fallout. Especially if the relationship meant a lot to them.
However, as mentioned earlier, they find this incredibly hard. And in line with their inclination to suppress distressing thoughts, the only way they can survive a breakup with someone they love is by “deactivating” or turning off all thoughts and reminders of the former relationship.
This could mean that they avoid or even outright ghost their ex-partner, sometimes going so far as changing jobs or schools. Distracting themselves with a dismissive avoidant rebound is also common.
These self-protective tactics offer them some reprieve, but it also denies them the chance to learn from the experience and change for the better.
To truly move on and emerge with a stronger sense of self, Rolling Stones have to make a deliberate effort to overcome their dismissive and avoidant patterns.
Do they ever regret breakups, though? Let’s find out.
Do avoidants regret breaking up?
Yes, those with an avoidant attachment style can regret breaking up. But they probably won’t show it.
You see, Rolling Stones are scared of intimacy, but they also fear being seen as weak or unworthy. (And in fact, part of their intimacy issues stems precisely from worrying that loved ones will perceive them that way! But more on that in a bit.)
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style want to be seen as resilient. And to them, being overly emotional is quite the opposite of that.
This makes it hard to know whether your Rolling Stone has any breakup regrets. Deciphering someone’s emotions is already somewhat difficult when they openly share their thoughts. But when an ex-partner doesn’t share anything at all and is perhaps even hiding their true feelings? Well, that just feels like mission impossible!
It doesn’t have to be, though.
You may not hear it directly from your Rolling Stone, but there is a chance that they are harboring some dismissive avoidant breakup regret. This mostly depends on how the relationship was and what they got out of it. Let’s take a look:
What do dismissive-avoidants get out of a relationship?
While trying to better understand their Rolling Stone, one of our members once asked: “Is it just that they like the taste of love but find it too scary?”
And I think that’s a pretty good summary!
In this video, you can hear my full response to this question:
But to summarize: A passionate relationship with someone who wants to love you intensely is incredibly intoxicating. This is no different for Rolling Stones.
When paired with an Open Heart (an anxiously attached person), they find all the things that they can’t access in themselves: a deep well of emotions, a tender sweetness, and an impassioned outpouring of love.
Because Rolling Stones are scared of expressing these things themselves, they feel invigorated when witnessing it in others. By being in your presence, they feel more alive than ever before. And a rush of intense feelings is unleashed.
Finally, they feel (more) whole again.
As you can guess, this is quite exhilarating. But it also triggers their ultimate fear: profound and long-lasting intimacy.
What is your attachment style?
Why do dismissive-avoidants fear intimacy?
When it comes to deeply intimate relationships, Rolling Stones can feel a mixed bag of emotions. But why is that?
Well, in a nutshell: their childhood history has taught them that intimacy is unsafe.
When a parent/caregiver is emotionally unavailable or invasive, an avoidant attachment can form. These children often learn that they shouldn’t rely on others to get their needs met. So, instead of openly expressing them, they pretend they don’t have any and strive to become self-sufficient. As these behavioral patterns offer them a sense of safety, they are then carried into adulthood.
Because they never really learned how to deal with them as a child, painful or vulnerable emotions, such as love, hurt, or shame, feel uncomfortable and threatening. This, in turn, leads to avoidance. Both of the emotions themselves and their potential triggers.
This also explains the Rolling Stones’ tendency to jump ship: The deeper their feelings become, the more out of control and insecure they feel. And the only way they can get safely back to shore is by taking distance or even breaking up entirely.
Check out this video to learn more about avoidant partners and their fears:
This leads us to the question: Should you break up with a Rolling Stone completely–initiating no contact? Here’s what you need to know:
Does no contact work on a dismissive avoidant?
Whether or not “no contact” works is context dependent. And what you want to achieve with it plays a major role.
As an Open Heart, you will probably feel a strong urge to reach out after the breakup. This is also what the Rolling Stone is used to. You’re doing all the work, and they can simply lay back and indulge in their dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
Going “no contact”, on the other hand, gives a person with an avoidant attachment style the space to miss you. It reduces their ability to avoid the discomfort of change and loss. And it forces them to really process the breakup.
However, what matters even more is that “no contact” also greatly helps YOU!
You see, attachment triggers are in essence addiction triggers. And in that sense, “no contact” can be conceptualized as going “cold turkey.” You are severing the addictive connection with your ex and abstaining from the intoxicating hormonal cocktail that is unleashed by it.
This allows you to interrupt the addictive love cycle and speeds up your healing process.
If you want to learn more about how no contact can help break an addictive cycle, then this video will help you:
But how do you ultimately get over your partner? Let’s find out.
How do you get over a breakup with an avoidant partner?
While going “no contact” can greatly accelerate your healing process, learning more about your own attachment style and the associated patterns is incredibly useful too.
What is an anxious attachment style?
Open-Hearted attachment is one of the three insecure attachment styles. As with the other attachment styles, it usually starts in infancy and continues throughout one’s life.
As adults, Open Hearts tend to struggle with feelings of unworthiness. They are prone to seek external approval. And they have an insatiable hunger for love, affection and attention. Yet, no matter how much of it they receive, it never quite stills their persistent fears of abandonment and rejection. This, in turn, makes them act in hypervigilant and clingy ways.
Despite the Open Heart’s deep desire for intimacy, they are usually also afraid of being completely vulnerable. They can be somewhat disconnected from themselves. And they generally struggle with showing their authentic selves to partners.
This is often because they have previously been told that “they’re too much.” And so, to win love and approval they now (try to) hide their needs and desires.
While this feigned chillness and unhealthy people-pleasing can initially work out well (especially with a Rolling Stone), it also means that their true needs are not met.
And an Open Heart’s tendency to gravitate towards people who trigger their attachment wounds makes all of this even trickier.
That leads us to the anxious-avoidant trap.
The anxious-avoidant trap
When it comes to attachment styles, like tends to attract like. This means that securely attached people generally end up with securely attached partners, whereas insecure attachment styles frequently attract other insecurely attached people.
This is in part yin and yang. Just as how a Rolling Stone is drawn to typical Open-Hearted qualities, so do Open Hearts admire the Rolling Stone’s independence and strength.
What really makes someone with an avoidant attachment style so irresistible, though, is the challenging nature of winning over their heart.
You see, due to their deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness, Open Hearts generally believe that they are undeserving of love. A partner who gives love too freely can therefore be seen as boring and unattractive. A challenging Rolling Stone who makes you work for it, on the other hand? Now, that’s exciting!
And often, that’s exactly how it starts out: extremely exciting.
After some time, however, the desire for closeness and intimacy makes the Rolling Stone feel smothered. Their defenses are triggered and they begin to withdraw. This taps into the Open Heart’s insecurities, and they cling on even more.
And so, a vicious Anxious-Avoidant Trap cycle begins.
How do people with an anxious attachment style deal with breakups?
A breakup feeds into an Open Heart’s abandonment wound. And after a separation, they frequently experience deep emotional turmoil and an intense longing for their ex.
While the addictive anxious-avoidant trap partially explains why they might be hoping that their dismissive avoidant keeps coming back, their general attachment patterns also have something to do with it.
Open Hearts pine for love. And when they’re involved in a romantic relationship their partner becomes the center of their world.
This dedication can lead to a beautiful, strong bond, but it also paves the way for codependency.
Add to that their feelings of inherent unworthiness and it’s not hard to understand why people with an anxious attachment style tend to take breakups extremely hard.
They can spend weeks and months brooding and ruminating over what went wrong. Yet, as painful as it may be, this intense reflective period also has an upside.
Research has found a connection between heightened breakup distress and personal growth. And after the initial pain, an Open Heart’s intense heartbreak often acts as a catalyst for transformation.
But for this to happen, four important emotions need to be processed.
The four crucial emotions you can’t bypass during a breakup
No matter your attachment style, when it comes to breakups, there are four crucial emotions that you can’t bypass: anger, sadness, fear, and grief.
Each of these emotions has a different function in how we process a breakup:
- Anger connects you to your vitality and breaks you free of indifference.
- Sadness connects you to your vulnerability and opens up your heart again.
- Fear connects you to your hope and lets you (re)discover your bravery.
- Grief connects you to your discernment and helps you release past hopes.
In this video, I discuss the four emotions and how to process them in more detail:
But can you ultimately heal your attachment style so that you won’t attract avoidant partners? Here’s the answer:
How to overcome an anxious attachment style?
Studies show that insecurely attached people generally have less happy and more unstable romantic bonds. And although breakups can lead to personal growth, you might be tired of the emotional rollercoaster pattern that appears in each of your relationships.
So, perhaps you’re wondering: how do I ‘fix’ my anxious attachment style?
And that’s a great question to ask!
Especially if it comes from a place of wanting to feel more secure with yourself and others and fully open yourself to healthy, nourishing love.
Let’s explore this a little further.
Can you change your attachment style?
Before we get into how to change your attachment style, a good question is whether this is even possible at all?
In short: YES!
Healing an anxious (or otherwise insecure) attachment style means moving towards a more secure way of being.
Sure, this takes time and conscious effort, but it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. Quite the opposite!
While your attachment style is deep-rooted in your biology, it’s not something fixed that must forever define you. Like many things in life, it can evolve over time. And research even backs this up!
How can I become more securely attached?
Ok, so, changing your attachment style is possible. Great!
But HOW do you do this?
Here, I share three valuable tips:
- Reframe your identity
The difference between anxious and secure individuals generally lies in how they identify themselves.
Open Hearts often feel defined by their needs, current behaviors, and external circumstances. For example, almost everyone worries now and then. But whereas a securely attached person will largely be unidentified with worry, an anxiously attached person will feel like it’s part of their entire identity.
To become more securely attached, a profound shift in identity is needed.
- Develop (more) self-esteem
Becoming more securely attached begins with you and your commitment to yourself. Feelings of unworthiness are core elements of an Open-Hearted attachment style. To overcome your anxious attachment patterns, fully realizing that you are worthy and deserving of love is incredibly important. This creates a healthy foundation for change.
- Learn self-soothing techniques (and apply them)
Moving towards secure attachment takes time. And it’s completely normal to fall back into old patterns once in a while. This is where self-soothing techniques come in handy.
Experiential interventions are a powerful tool to learn how to self-soothe and key for helping you stop repeating unwanted ingrained behaviors.
If you would like to explore more useful self-soothing techniques, then take a look at this comprehensive guide on how to self-soothe anxious attachment.
What is your attachment style?
What is the difference between a dismissive-avoidant and a fearful-avoidant breakup?
So far, we have focused on two of the insecure attachment styles, namely anxious and dismissive-avoidant. But, there’s also a third insecure attachment style. And that’s the fearful-avoidant, or what I like to call “Spice of Lifers.”
This attachment style can be seen as somewhat of a mix between the other two. Just like an Open Heart, they desire closeness. But just like a Rolling Stone, they crave a great deal of distance. Especially, when that oh-so-desired closeness has finally been obtained.
They strive to always keep partners at a certain degree of closeness. It should feel intimate enough without being threatening.
This usually leads to unpredictable push-and-pull behavior that confuses both the Spice of Lifer and their partners.
And these volatile tendencies impact how they handle breakups, too.
What is the fearful-avoidant attachment style?
While someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment can be passionately expressive, they often have trouble truly letting people in. They don’t trust others easily and they tend to withdraw to protect themselves emotionally.
Due to their incredible depth of emotion, they frequently experience extreme levels of ambivalence, which translates into a “hot or cold” personality. They’re either all in or all out. But neither of the two extremes ever seems to last very long.
For example, when things become a little too steady and intimate, a Spice of Lifer can start second-guessing the relationship. Feelings of dread creep in. And they impulsively decide to break up, only to regret it moments later.
Do the fearful-avoidant and the dismissive-avoidant handle breakup differently?
Yes, Spice of Lifers and Rolling Stones handle breakups differently.
But the same can be said about everyone.
How someone handles a breakup depends on numerous factors. The emotional state they are in, the level of connectedness they share with their ex-partner, and the nature of their support network, to name just a few.
Yet, there is also some clear overlap.
For example, after a breakup, both Rolling Stones and Spice of Lifers are prone to withdraw and request space. But whereas a Rolling Stone generally feels relieved to finally be given more alone time, a Spice of Lifer’s initial sense of relief can quickly turn into anxiety.
The reduced amount of attention greatly taps into their fears of abandonment. The hot part of their personality is activated. And they are inclined to start longing for their ex-partner again, texting and calling them more often than ever before.
This will likely keep going until they win their ex back. And once they finally do, they are elated! But it won’t take long before the victorious pleasure makes way for feelings of ambivalence and eventual dread.
And so, the confusing push-pull dynamic continues.
This unstable pattern tends to make breakups with Spice of Lifers much more volatile and erratic than the dismissive-avoidant breakup stages.
Over to you!
That’s it for today! We’ve covered a lot.
While breakups are anything but easy, they also offer us the chance to really dig deep within. By doing so, we get more in touch with ourselves and pave the way for stronger and healthier relationships. Not only with others, but also with ourselves.
What other questions do you have about a dismissive avoidant breakup? And which emotions or thoughts do you find most difficult during a breakup?
Share your answers with me in the comments below!
What is your attachment style?
19 Responses
What can you do when you’re an anxious attachment divorcing from a dismissive attachment, but you have young children and will still need to be in each other’s lives on some level. I can’t go no contact with him for the next 15 years at least.
I recommend checking out my program called “Love and Ambition.” This link will take you to the info page. https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/love-and-ambition-enrollment–page
THANK YOU SOO SOO MUCH!! 😢❤️
I am glad this was helpful to you 🙂
My brother recommended I might like this web site He was totally right This post actually made my day You cannt imagine just how much time I had spent for this information Thanks
True
steroid satın al ve anabolik steroid sipariş fiyatları
Hi, Briana. Thank you for what you do. I love your unique and empathetic approach.
I am having a hard time determining whether my ex BF of 9 years, whom I broke up with five months ago, is a DA or an FA. He is text-book for both Anxious and Dismissive: a workaholic with a demanding hobby, super high anxiety in general (high blood pressure), hypercritical of others, nit-picky with me, had a very high opinion of himself, hypersensitive to criticism, would do acts of service and pursued me when we fought. He is affectionate and loving. He checks all the boxes. We are both 58-years old. I know what his core wound is because he told me about it on one of our first dates. In the past, we would both reach out after an argument and always got back together. This time, he says that a lot of time has passed and that he is fine and accepts the breakup.
I did not know about Attachment Theory before I broke up with him for running from my home at 7 am and refusing to give me an explanation except that he had “things to do”. Run and we are done, I said. It was a boundary for me, and he knew it. I went hardcore NC on him. Now I regret not handling it all with more empathy.
He reached out after 3 months to the day of NC to say that he had taken my car off his insurance policy and to get my own, please. I thanked him and asked how he was. “I’ve been ill”, he answered.
Since then, we have been texting here and there and were even building a bit of momentum. I asked for help, shared fun things that I knew he would like, but then I wrote him to say that I understood him better than ever now, and he answered saying he was fine and had accepted the break up.
I called him the same day and it was great. We talked for a while about what’s been going on in our lives, but, when I broached the subject of why he left that day, he said he didn’t want to talk about it. When I insisted saying that it would help me learn from my mistakes, he said he would “call me later” and did not. After a few days, I texted one more fun thing so he would know that I am not angry at him for not calling me, to keep the door open in a sense. He responded positively, but I feel like I have to give him tons of space now. What do you think?
Hi there, and thank you for sharing your story with such openness. It’s clear you’ve been through a deeply emotional journey with your ex, and your reflections show a lot of growth and self-awareness. Understanding attachment styles can indeed provide a lot of clarity on relationship dynamics, though it can sometimes blur lines, especially when individuals exhibit traits across different styles, as you’ve described with your ex being both Anxious and Dismissive.
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your ex may exhibit traits of what’s sometimes referred to as a Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) attachment style, displaying behaviors of both anxious and dismissive types. This can make their actions and reactions especially complex and unpredictable, as they’re torn between a desire for closeness and an inherent fear of it.
Your instinct to give him space now seems wise, especially considering the mixed signals and his clear statement of acceptance of the breakup. It’s evident that there’s a part of you that hopes for reconciliation or at least a clearer understanding of what went wrong. However, pushing for answers or trying to rekindle something that the other person has explicitly stated they’ve moved on from can sometimes do more harm than good, both to yourself and the delicate dynamics of your current interaction.
The journey you’re on now, especially with your newfound understanding of attachment theory, is incredibly valuable. It might be helpful to focus on what you can control: your healing, your growth, and how you apply this understanding to future relationships or even the ongoing dynamic with your ex, should it naturally evolve into something more.
Remember, respecting his boundaries and the current state of acceptance he’s expressed is crucial. It’s okay to leave the door open, as you’ve done, but it’s also important to protect your own heart and not hinge your healing on his willingness to revisit the past or reconsider the relationship.
I suggest continuing to explore your understanding of attachment styles and how they play out in relationships. My video on supporting an insecure partner in love (https://youtu.be/qB91QI3VhHY) , as well as the courses I offer, like The Courageous Communicator (https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/tcc-free-introduction-communication-skills-based-on-attachment-styles-optin), could provide you with additional insights and tools to navigate these complex waters, whether it’s in relation to your ex or in future relationships.
Your empathy, understanding, and willingness to learn from your experiences are powerful tools. Keep nurturing these qualities in yourself, and trust that, with time, you’ll find the clarity and peace you’re seeking.
I’m Jacqueline. I’m 55, white, single, never married, no kids. My quiz result is Cornerstone, but upon discovering attachment styles recently, only after I believe I was just involved with a DA, I thought I would certainly be an anxious attacher. After many years of not being involved with anyone, I met a man in October 2023 and I decided to initiate a relationship. My ex is 48. Never married. He told me he has been alone, and he was living alone paying rent in a boarding house. He’s Dominican, living here in the US since 1989. I’m sure there were some cultural differences, but that can’t explain everything. When we met he was a driver for a charter bus company, and I took several day trips on the bus as a passenger. At first we talked/texted daily and saw each other a few times a week. He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me, and what I say stayed in his mind. He called me classy, and smart, and he gave me genuine compliments. We went everywhere together and he liked very much of what I liked. Something that really stood out as one red flag example was together one night unexpectedly to me, we visited a home of an acquaintance of his. My now ex, and a man and a woman (who I thought was the man’s wife) spoke Spanish while I sat there with them in their living room. There was duscussion. On the drive home my now ex told me the man asked HIM if he would marry the woman for $2000.00 so that she could stay in the US. I thought this was outrageous and I was insulted that they discussed this right in front of me! He didn’t seem to understand how insulted I felt hearing that this happened in Spanish, right in front of me. He thought I was overreacting, and he somewhat turned on me saying I was going to start a fight between us with my attitude. This incident was never discussed again. He became unemployed in early December when the bus company shut down. I was fine with him moving in with me, because all indications were he liked almost everything, and every place that I liked and we had a lot in common. What I noticed was occasional criticism that was subtle but directed at me accusing me of being negative, and talking too much without getting right to the point. I perceived this as rude, and ultimately walking on egg shells, and I started to resent it. It made me quietly angry inside. This was his hot cold push pull behavior but I couldn’t put a name to it. The saying one foot out the door applied, and I realize that now upon discovering what a Dismissive Avoidant is. But ultimately he blamed his leaving on my temper, and he told me to agree that everything was my fault and he did nothing wrong. Two weeks after he left abruptly, and he lived in his car, he told me he contacted his cousin, a female with a husband and he was invited to stay with them. He didn’t tell me their names, or address but their house was at least an hour away. After ignoring me for the first week after leaving, he started to reply by text. Then a few calls, but I calked him and he was very brief. He said he missed me. He and I saw each 2 times in one week, 2 weeks after he left, and he was living at the cousin’s. At both meetings to my face he told me he was moving back with me. But apparently the “cousin” influenced him not to. He has his life of secrecy now though he swears he isn’t seeing anyone and is just focusing on finding a job. At the 3rd meeting 4 weeks ago he said he really really hates living there and can’t wait to move. But no mention of coming back with me. It was devastating to break up, and I cried for the first two months. Until 3 weeks ago we had contact but it was really only if I initiated it, and he would only text. Hus responses were immefiate though. Prior to that we had a few calls that were video calls, and lasted for over an hour, but now nothing and I stopped reaching out. My logical mind says forget him, and I have made great progress, finally feeling much like my old self after 3 months of misery. But out of nowhere my very good memories of the fun times and all the laughter surface and I just can’t figure out what happened – how it ended so badly and abruptly. His being a dismissive avoidant would explain this to my mind, but not my heart. Upon his leaving I immediately started to reform myself. I went to Confession, and I have been attending Catholic mass weekly without fail. I told him this, and all that I was doing to improve myself. I took the blame, and responsibility for losing my temper. I sincerely apologized, and I have done everything possible including no contact, but nothing seems to affect him. I love him, but I believe it’s just not possible to be with him because his behavior triggers anger and insecurity in me. Even if I now understand it is happening, I don’t believe I wouldn’t be affected the same negative way if we would reunite. In my view 3 weeks of no contact tells me he isn’t likely to reach out to me again, and he wants his life to remain the secret that it is from me. Prior to 3 weeks ago I texted “Your life is with someone else. Somewhere else. I hope you found happiness where you are.” He called that message crazy and out of nowhere. He said you know I’m not with anyone, and I need to find a job. I realize finding a job is critical and I was sending him leads. Ultimately he seems oblivious to the devastation and the crushing effect his leaving has had on me. It’s been nearly 3 months since he left and every day is a challenge for me to be mindful of the person who he is, and that is very different from who I thought he was upon meeting.
Hello. I’m so grateful to have found your website…I am very sure I am an anxious avoidant (open heart) and my ex is a Rolling stone. Our breakup that he initiated happened because I needed more communication and assurance/certainty because I made the relationship the center of my world, and he ended things. We are currently no contact, and I am working on myself, being more aware, healing, and aspirant for change in my life. On the other hand, he has began dating someone else, though he told me about her. Months later during NC, I told him I apologized maturely and told him I am grateful for the break up, as it has given me a chance to return to myself, to pour within myself. He responded by doing same, thanking me for a letter I had sent to him earlier when we went NC, and apologizing for not saying anything as we were looking to separate for a bit. However I still have some love for him, but I want to come to the complete understanding that we may never get back together again, especially as there is someone else. How do I do this? And is there hope we will?
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with me. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of self-reflection and growth, which is so important, especially after a difficult breakup. I understand how hard it can be to still hold feelings for someone while also trying to come to terms with the fact that things may not work out the way you hoped.
Letting go is a process, and it’s okay to acknowledge both the love you still have and the reality that things may be different now. My online courses are designed to help with exactly these kinds of situations—finding balance, healing, and navigating attachment styles in relationships. To start, I recommend taking this quiz: [Attachment Styles Quiz](https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/attachment-styles-assessment). It will help guide you to the best course based on your unique attachment style and where you are in your healing process.
I’m wishing you clarity and peace as you continue on this path. 💛
Hola Briana, soy Claudia.
Voy a tratar de resumir mi historia y me encantaría tus tips consejos videos sugerencias etc.
Soy ansiosa y por lo que he leído (que por cierto excelentemente bien explicado en esta página) mi ex es temerosa evitativo.
En total tenemos 7 años de relación en la cual tuvimos una separación por parte de él que me terminó y estuvimos separados un año, volvimos y fue otra relación, en agosto del año pasado me pidió matrimonio y nos mudamos juntos por primera vez en octubre, habían sus diferencias y el ciclo ansioso evitativo, pero estábamos bien, el 29 de diciembre tuvimos una discusión tonta y no me hablaba el 31 me explotó la ansiedad y lo empecé a presionar y hablar hablar en una de tanto agobio me dijo que ya no está seguro del compromiso (algo que dicen los apegos evitativos como defensa) y eso explotó todas mis heridas emocionales
TRANSLATION:Hi Briana, I’m Claudia.
I’m going to try to summarize my story, and I would love your tips, advice, videos, suggestions, etc.
I have an anxious attachment style, and from what I’ve read (which by the way is excellently explained on this page), my ex is a fearful-avoidant.
Altogether, we’ve been in a relationship for 7 years, during which there was a breakup initiated by him—we were separated for a year. We got back together and it felt like a new relationship. In August of last year, he proposed to me, and in October we moved in together for the first time.
There were some differences and the anxious-avoidant cycle was present, but we were doing okay.
On December 29th, we had a silly argument and he stopped talking to me. On the 31st, my anxiety exploded and I started pressuring him, talking and talking. In one of those overwhelming moments, he told me he was no longer sure about the commitment (something avoidant types tend to say as a defense), and that completely triggered all of my emotional wounds.
REPLY:Hi Claudia, thank you so much for sharing your story with such honesty and vulnerability. 💛
What you’re going through is very common in anxious-avoidant dynamics—especially when there’s a deep desire for connection that meets another person’s fear or emotional insecurity. The fact that you’ve already identified these patterns is a huge step forward—many people never gain this kind of clarity about what’s truly happening beneath the surface.
Your anxious reaction in December makes total sense. When we feel love is at risk, it’s natural to want to hold on tighter and seek reassurance. But as you’ve already noticed, that kind of pressure can trigger even more defensiveness in someone with an avoidant attachment style, creating a painful cycle for both people.
I want you to know you’re not alone in this, and there are tools and ways to heal this pattern—without abandoning your emotional needs.
I recommend starting with this free training I created:
👉 https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/tcc-free-introduction-communication-skills-based-on-attachment-styles-optin
It’s a practical guide to communicating with clarity and compassion—without feeling like you have to silence your truth or disconnect from your partner. Most importantly, it helps you feel more secure and grounded in yourself, regardless of what your partner does or doesn’t do.
I’m cheering you on in this process, and I’m so glad you’re open to transforming this experience into something that strengthens your connection to yourself—and, when possible, to others. Sending you a big hug. 💫
Man this amazing when you talking about Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style, its sad but you described my behavior 100%. much appreciated. Need to find a solution to this problem!!!
I’m so glad this resonated with you, even though I know it can be tough to see yourself so clearly reflected in something like this. Just the fact that you recognized yourself and are reaching out shows real courage—that’s already the beginning of change. 💛
Dismissive-avoidant patterns often form as a way to stay safe when closeness once felt overwhelming or risky. But the beautiful news is that these patterns can shift with the right tools and compassionate guidance. You’re not broken—and you’re definitely not alone.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d recommend starting with my free Attachment Styles Assessment. It’ll give you more insight into your specific attachment blueprint and how to begin shifting toward more secure, soul-centered connections.
Here’s the link: 👉 https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/attachment-styles-assessment
You’re already on the path, and I’m cheering you on. 💫