Want to know how to deal with an avoidant partner?
If so, you’re right where you need to be.
Today, we’re going to dive right into the various attachment styles and what you can do to help if you have an avoidant partner in your life. If you do, don’t stress! We’ll also discuss what you can do to fix your relationship and build it back up.
Curious? Keep reading to find out more!
What is your attachment style?
What are attachment styles?
Attachment styles are simply how humans attach themselves to one another. A study by psychologist Mary Ainsworth revealed that these styles start forming as early as infanthood and continue to affect our adult relationships.
These attachment styles are characterized by our first relationships with parents or caretakers. Once these styles are formed, they impact our relationships for life.
Most adults have either an avoidant attachment or an anxious attachment style. When an adult with an anxious attachment style and an adult with an avoidant attachment style enter into a relationship, this is an anxious-avoidant relationship.
Read on to find out what these styles are like and how an anxious-avoidant relationship can be a trap.
Avoidant attachment style
We all know someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Did you notice that your partner seemed to fall head over heels for you in a matter of weeks? They told you that they felt so connected with you, and you connected on an intimate level. However, when you think that your relationship is about to enter a new level, they start pulling away.
I call people with this attachment style Rolling Stones. Most people with this attachment style tend to pull back emotionally when the relationship becomes serious. They might start to feel bored, trapped, or smothered in their relationship.
There are two types of avoidant attachment: fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant.
Fearful avoidant types, or Spice of Lifers, as I like to call them, do want connection! However, they are fearful of it and can be suspicious of other people’s emotions. They often distrust others and don’t think that they can sustain a healthy emotional relationship.
Dismissive avoidant types (Rolling Stones) are preoccupied with preserving their emotions. They find it very difficult to have and reciprocate deep and loving emotions towards their partners.
To explore these two types more fully, take a look at this video:
Anxious attachment style
I normally refer to individuals with anxious attachment styles as Open Hearts. Individuals with this attachment style want to be in relationships. They will generally invest a lot (and sacrifice a lot) in the name of their relationship.
These individuals often chase after elusive or unattainable partners. They feel that they are unworthy of love as they are, so they need to work for love in a relationship.
This Open-Hearted attachment usually stems from a root fear of abandonment and not being good enough. Individuals may display clingy behavior or insecurities. Since they are used to a lack of love in their relationships, they take on the majority of the blame if a relationship fails.
Anxious-avoidant relationships
One of the biggest problems for the Rolling Stones type is falling into an anxious-avoidant relationship. They often attract partners with insecure or anxious attachment styles.
They’ll often find themselves in a partnership with someone who’s emotionally dependent on them. This works to prove their less than favorable outlook on love — that love typically comes at the cost of their own happiness.
Vice versa, Open Hearts often fall into relationships with Rolling Stones because they tend to equate love with emotional unavailability.
But how can you identify what an anxious-avoidant relationship looks like? Let’s find out.
Characteristics of anxious-avoidant relationships
Anxious-avoidant relationships are relationships between two people with insecure attachment styles. I refer to this as the “anxious-avoidant trap.”
This relationship will usually present itself in one of two ways:
- One partner is always “chasing” after the other partner, who always seems to be running away from the relationship.
- One partner will show chasing behavior towards the runner until the other partner starts to return their feelings, and then they turn into the runner.
The reason why this happens is that these types fall into a push-pull type of relationship. However, you can identify this trap early on in the relationship and work to fix it. I talk about how to do this in this video:
You might also notice that your partner:
- Acts secretively for no reason
- Ignores you for weeks and then messages you out of the blue
- Takes the things you in the relationship for granted
- Is interested in sex but not in defining your relationship
On the other hand, your partner could display behaviors like:
- Inquiring about your every move
- Constantly texting and calling you when you’re apart
- Disrespecting your boundaries or requests for space
- Getting upset when you don’t read their mind
If you realize that you date people with these qualities, you could be stuck in the roller-coaster of anxious-avoidant relationships. But before we discuss how you can fix your relationship, we need to dive deeper into what an avoidant partner looks like.
What is an avoidant partner?
We refer to avoidant partners as Rolling Stones. Avoidant partners generally withdraw from relationships emotionally. They’d rather keep you at bay than let you in.
At first, you probably felt like they dove headfirst into this relationship with you. But then, around the three-month mark, they’ve started to point out flaws in your relationship.
Signs of an avoidant partner
So how can you identify an avoidant partner? While there are many signs, we’re going to tackle six signs that point to your partner starting to distance themselves:
- They’re keeping you separate from the relational aspects of their life.
- You feel that small requests of reassurance will be received negatively
- They avoid talking about defining your relationship or even its progression
- They struggle with other forms of addiction, such as shopping addictions, gaming, hoarding, or drug and alcohol addiction
- You notice that they’ve kept ex-partners in their life and connected on social media platforms
- They’ll say things like “true love doesn’t exist” or “labels ruin the relationship.” After statements like this, they’ll look for proof that their view on love is correct and try to convince you to believe the same.
With signs like this, you’re probably wondering if avoidants can fall in love at all. Let’s answer that now.
Do avoidants fall in love?
So, can avoidant partners actually fall in love? The short answer — is yes, they can.
Avoidant individuals want and need love just like everyone else. They want to feel close to people and receive love from them.
Avoidants can have happy and rewarding relationships, but research shows a direct connection between high levels of happiness and secure attachment.
Unfortunately, these avoidant types tend to keep their partners at a distance with their avoidant behavior. This often creates an avoidant cycle that they get stuck in.
Since avoidant individuals often go for individuals who confirm their beliefs about love, they typically date individuals with anxious attachment. As a result, the more they withdraw, the more their anxious partner reaches out.
I talk more about avoidant behavior in this video:
Avoidants can fall in love. But how can you tell if your avoidant partner loves you?
How to tell if an avoidant partner loves you?
It’s great to know that your avoidant partner can actually fall in love. But what are the signs that your partner loves you? You feel that they do, but it’s a bit confusing when their actions and words don’t seem to line up.
If you’re wondering whether or not to dive into a relationship with your avoidant partner fully, here are six signs you can look for that can assure you of their love:
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- They make exceptions to their rules: Your partner may have had strong rules or boundaries in the past. If they’re breaking these for you or making exceptions, this is a great sign.
- They want to take the relationship slow: If your partner asks you to take the relationship slow or to wait before getting intimate, this means they love you. Individuals with avoidant attachments tend to have hypersexual relationships, so taking it slow is good.
- You notice that they make plans for travel or other commitments with you: Avoidant partners struggle with commitment. If they make plans for travel or set up other future commitments, this is a clear sign that they love you.
- They introduce you to their family or kids: Avoidant individuals typically worry that the relationship won’t last long, or that they’ll scare you off by intertwining your lives. If your avoidant partner has introduced you to their kids or family, this shows that they love you.
- You receive various forms of their love languages: Receiving gifts, acts of service or physical touch from your avoidant partner is another sign of love.
- They give you access to their home or apartment and leave you alone: Remember Rolling Stones are all about boundaries and privacy. Giving you access to their personal space without them around is a huge sign of trust.
Once you’ve confirmed your partner’s love for you, it doesn’t end here. You need to know how to treat your avoidant partner too. Read on to find out how.
What is your attachment style?
How to treat an avoidant partner
You can learn how to give an avoidant partner the security they need without sacrificing your own mental health. Loving someone with an avoidant attachment style isn’t easy, but these suggestions can help you treat your avoidant partner the right way.
- Spend time learning about their real character. Show your partner that you want to know who they really are, not just what they appear to be.
- Avoid constantly seeking validation and stand your ground. Avoidant partners can easily feel bored in the relationship if you indulge them.
- Make sure that you keep up with your own hobbies and interests. This helps you avoid chasing after your partner or relying on them too heavily.
- Communicate your needs to your partner clearly and frankly. Don’t be afraid to express yourself clearly. If not, you’ll probably get excuses from your partner.
- Don’t be afraid to give them space. Give them space when they need it to figure out their own feelings.
While applying these suggestions can help you improve the health of your relationship, this is only the beginning. Avoidant partners also have certain wants and needs in a partnership. Let’s discuss what those wants are.
What do avoidant partners want?
To figure out how to treat your partner, you first need to figure out what they want. Generally, avoidant partners tend to want more space in the relationship. This isn’t because they dislike you or are bored of you.
They want space because it helps them to keep their connections afloat. They also want to stay true to themselves in a relationship.
However, avoidant partners have a tendency to create conflict in their relationships. For them, it works as an unconscious defense mechanism. If the love they’ve received in their life was given through conflict, you’ll see this pop up in your relationship.
They might create conflict to “test” the relationship and see if it’s true love or see if it’s what they truly want.
Avoidant partners want to feel respected and to have their behavior acknowledged. They want to know that their need for space isn’t a deal-breaker and that you’ll be there when they’re ready.
Avoidant individuals will also want to be reassured that you’re not trying to control or change them in your relationship. In a conversation, this might look like sharing things you appreciate about them instead of criticizing their behavior.
Can you fix your relationship?
However, anxious-avoidant relationships often involve conflict. That’s why one question I get a lot from people is: Can I fix my relationship with my avoidant partner?
The answer is yes!
If you realize that you’re neck-deep in a relationship with an avoidant partner, there are things you can do to fix your relationship. It starts with you both developing secure attachments with each other.
I talk more about how you can learn to develop secure attachment quickly here:
You have to create an emotionally safe environment within your relationship with your avoidant partner. Avoid emotionally triggering statements and reassure them that you understand their need for space.
Instead of saying statements like:
“Keeping your friendships with your exes private means you’re hiding things from me”
Or
“You wouldn’t say that if you really loved me.”
Statements like this will push your already distant partner even farther away. Instead, work to build your relationship with statements that foster trust and growth.
Don’t get defensive if they seem hesitant to share thoughts. Ask them to express themselves and what they need from the relationship clearly. Be respectful and acknowledge their behavior, whatever that may be.
If you notice that they need space, assure them that you’ll be there when they’re ready to talk. Make it clear that you have no intention of forcing them to change themselves for the relationship. Point out specific things about them and their personality that you love.
Work on connecting with your avoidant partner through activities that encourage the longevity of your relationship. For example, you might schedule a cozy date night where you answer intimate and thoughtful questions with each other.
The answers you give can make your avoidant feel less flighty, happier, and more secure in your relationship.
That said, changing your attachment style is a process and there’s no “easy fix” to making it happen. Both partners must be willing to change and as your attachment style is rooted in your identity (your genetics, brain, autonomic nervous system, and neurotransmitters), you need to make deep shifts.
The steps we take to make these shifts are cognitive reframing, body activation, and arts-based experientials.
However, if you notice that your partner isn’t willing to change, you might ask yourself, “when is it time to leave your avoidant partner?” Read on to find out.
Leaving an avoidant partner
You love your partner and want nothing more than for your relationship to work. Unfortunately, there comes a time when leaving your Rolling Stone is the best choice for you. Of course, leaving is much easier said than done. There could be years of history between the two of you, and you might wonder if you’re making the right decision.
Even though you’ve put the work into your relationship to improve your anxious-avoidant relationship, it might just be incompatible. If you’re not sure about the compatibility of your relationship, this video dives into incurably incompatible relationships.
If you feel that your avoidant partner isn’t recognizing your love or reciprocating your efforts, it’s time to leave. While you might feel emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or grief, this is all part of the healing process.
Allow yourself to feel the painful feelings of your breakup. Instead of rushing through them, locate where you feel the sadness or anger in your body, and take time to process these emotions.
Although letting go of these emotions may initially feel like a betrayal to your loved one, rest assured that it’s not. You may always carry a piece of your love for them with you, and sometimes that’s all you can do.
Over to you!
There you have it! Now that you know what an avoidant partner looks like, you can work to help your partner build a secure attachment.
Are you curious about what else you can do to help your avoidant partner? Let me know what questions you have down below in the comments!
What is your attachment style?
19 Responses
My heart hurts. My husband seems to get worse with leaving what he calls “conflict” or “arguments ” but literally I could say a sentence completely innocent and all of a sudden there is anger and fighting. I state my intentions were not to cause an issue and I’m sorry if that’s what upset him. I reassure he is loved. I explain I’m here for him. He still wants to keep the conversation going even though he says he is “sick of it”. If I suggest we move on to what we were doing. All of a sudden I am now accused of downplaying my role in the argument. I have stated that I recognized his anger is making his choices and he then requested solence, so we will sit in silence. That doesn’t help either. He will then bring up other things after the silence. And then eventually he says he’s had enough and leaves. I’m trying to be a good partner and understand but it feels like I can’t do anything right in this situation To help him feel secure. Even though I try to redirect us back to doing something else or moving forward Because he says I don’t let things go.
I’m actually not continuing, he wants to continue. So I try to ask questions and reassure again im trying to understand his needs. Which then becomes him projecting everything he just rejected from me as if im rejecting reality. I then become what feels like a punching bag of sorts and being accused of dragging out this conflict that I never even personally had a problem with. He thinks everything is my fault a 100 leaves. He just complains as he’s getting his keys in his shoes about how tired he is of this. Even though I didn’t actually start anything. I just made a comment. I didn’t even know he was going to be upset with. He tries to tell me that I don’t take any responsibility even though he knows I research, am big on personal growth and I go to therapy. And I do all the things he asks of me. Each year he seems to get harder and harder to reach emotionally. And I trigger him quicker and quicker. And I don’t even know what will trigger him or what won’t. The only time we have issues is if we come across something that he feels is a “jab” at him. It almost seems kind of like paranoid behavior. I would do anything for anyone. And he knows this about me and he watches. How strong abd emotionally intelligent I’m trying to teach my kids to be and how I work with my kids and we learn tools to use etc. yet for some reason when he feels there’s a conflict he creates in his head, me as a totally different person than my actual character. I feel sick to my stomach. Will he ever let me just love him and see how much I do?
Hello,
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about the struggles you’re facing in your relationship. It sounds incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. The dynamics you describe – the sudden escalation of conflict from seemingly innocent comments, your husband’s persistent anger and accusations, and the pattern of seeking out arguments even when you try to de-escalate – are concerning. It’s clear you’re making significant efforts to understand and support your husband, but it seems like these efforts are not being met with the cooperation needed for a healthy relationship.
Your description suggests that there may be underlying issues at play here. It’s not uncommon for individuals who have experienced early attachment injuries to develop defensive mechanisms that can manifest as emotional volatility or hypersensitivity to perceived criticism or conflict. In such cases, these behaviors can become emotionally abusive, as it seems to be in your situation. This pattern of behavior, especially the tendency to perceive neutral or positive interactions as hostile, could be indicative of a deeper psychological issue that needs professional evaluation and intervention.
While it’s commendable that you are committed to personal growth and therapy, it’s important to recognize that without your husband’s willingness to engage in a similar process of self-examination and change, the cycle may continue. It’s crucial for both partners in a relationship to be equally committed to growth and healing, especially in situations where there are patterns of emotional abuse.
Given the complexity and severity of the issues you’re describing, I strongly recommend seeking the guidance of a qualified therapist or counselor, specifically one who specializes in relational dynamics and attachment theory. They can provide a safe space for both of you to explore these issues more deeply and offer strategies for moving forward. It’s also important for you to have support as you navigate these challenges, to ensure your own emotional well-being is being cared for.
Remember, while it’s important to be supportive and understanding in a relationship, it’s equally important to set boundaries and ensure that your emotional and psychological well-being is not compromised. Your health and happiness are just as important as your husband’s.
Take care,
Briana
Sounds exactly like my current bf… Dear God…Please just leave him and never look back. You can’t fix or help or change him. You will continue being exhausted and wondering what to do. Good luck and best wishes!!!! Prayers for you both.
Sarah is describing the relationship I have with my wife. Talking can be a minefield. Occasionally, I step on a mine in our conversation that seems completely innocent and we’re off to the races. I’m picking a fight or I’m making negative comments about her. These can come out of nowhere when we’re having what I thought was a good day. It’s emotionally exhausting.
We are in counseling together but everybody is picking on her for telling her that she’s bad and needs to behave differently. She resents everything. Our life is stressed and intimacy is running really thin. Not just sex, which is almost non-existent, but intimate touch and conversation.
I love her but I hate this and even with therapy, it is getting worse. I don’t have much fight left in me and I don’t expect this to change for the better so I think the end is near.
It sounds like you’re navigating an incredibly difficult and emotionally draining situation in your relationship. The sense of walking on eggshells, fearing that any innocent remark could lead to conflict, is indeed exhausting. It’s clear you care deeply for your wife and are committed to the relationship, given your participation in counseling and your efforts to understand and adapt.
The challenges you’re facing, particularly around communication and intimacy, are not uncommon, but they do require careful and thoughtful navigation. Here are some insights and strategies that might help:
Understanding the Underlying Issues: Often, when conversations trigger disproportionate reactions, it’s a sign of deeper underlying issues. These could be related to past traumas, insecurities, or unresolved personal conflicts. It’s important to explore these underlying issues, both individually and as a couple.
Emotional Safety in Communication: Creating an environment of emotional safety is crucial. This means ensuring that both of you feel heard, respected, and not judged. When discussing sensitive topics, try using “I feel” statements and focus on expressing your own emotions rather than attributing intentions or blame.
Balancing Therapy Dynamics: It’s concerning to hear that therapy feels like it’s ‘picking on’ your wife. Therapy should be a safe space for both partners. It might be beneficial to address this feeling in your sessions or consider seeking a different therapist if the current one isn’t a good fit for both of you.
Self-Care and Boundaries: While working on the relationship is important, so is taking care of your own emotional well-being. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and engage in activities that bring you peace and rejuvenation.
Exploring Different Therapeutic Approaches: Sometimes, traditional couple’s therapy might not be the right fit. Exploring other methods, like emotionally focused therapy (EFT) or individual therapy focusing on attachment styles, could provide new insights and tools.
Fostering Non-Sexual Intimacy: Rebuilding intimacy often starts outside the bedroom. Small acts of kindness, spending quality time together, and finding shared interests can help rebuild the emotional connection.
Decision Making: Finally, if you feel the relationship is causing more harm than good, it’s essential to reflect on what’s best for your emotional and mental health. This is a difficult decision, and it’s okay to reach this point. Remember, ending a relationship does not equate to failure; sometimes, it’s the bravest step towards healing and happiness.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many have walked this path and found their way through, whether that means salvaging the relationship or finding peace in letting go. Trust yourself, your feelings, and your needs. Your emotional health is just as important as the relationship itself.
Warmly,
Briana
I’ve been married to my avoidant husband for 20 yrs. We were good friends before we were married. He is an avid video gamer and he totally avoids his emotions. He cannot talk about them, and uses sarcasm as a defense to not share what he is really feeling. He also likes LOTS of alone time playing his video game. We sleep in the same room but two separate beds because he doesn’t want to be crowded. I feel like he only spends time with me when He wants to. We have a schedule where 3nights we are together and two nights he has all to himself. Weekends are a toss up but he usually never wants to spend time with me, or very little time. How can I keep dealing with him? I give him lots of space but it feels like everything is on HIS time. I feel like I am with a 5 yr old! Any advice would be appreciated!
Your situation is indeed challenging, but not uncommon, especially considering the dynamics of being married to someone with an avoidant attachment style. It’s clear that you’ve made significant efforts to adapt to his needs, particularly in allowing ample space for his alone time and interests. However, it’s also evident that your emotional needs and desires for connection are not being fully met in this arrangement.
In my practice, I often address similar concerns using The MacWilliam Method™, which focuses on aligning one’s attachment security with their spirit or Higher Self. This approach can be particularly useful in your situation. Here are some insights and suggestions:
Self-Reflection and Emotional Independence: It’s crucial to explore and nurture your own emotional independence. This doesn’t mean detaching from your husband but finding fulfillment and joy in your own activities and inner world. By focusing on your own emotional wellbeing, you become more resilient and less reliant on your partner’s emotional availability.
Communication: While it’s challenging with an avoidant partner, open and non-confrontational communication is key. Express your feelings using “I” statements, such as “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together” rather than accusatory “you” statements. This can help him understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
Understanding Avoidance: Recognize that his avoidance likely stems from deep-rooted fears and insecurities. Avoidant individuals often equate emotional intimacy with loss of independence, which can lead to distancing behaviors. Understanding this can help you approach the situation with empathy rather than frustration.
Setting Boundaries: While it’s important to respect his need for space, your needs are equally important. Setting boundaries and having a clear understanding of each other’s expectations is crucial. For instance, you might agree on specific times for quality interaction that are non-negotiable.
Couple’s Therapy: Considering professional help, such as couple’s therapy, can be a valuable step. A therapist can facilitate better communication and help both of you understand each other’s attachment styles and needs.
Personal Growth and Support: Engaging in activities that promote your personal growth and seeking support from friends, family, or support groups can provide you with a sense of community and belonging, offsetting the loneliness you might feel in your marriage.
From my own offerings, I would recommend checking out The Courageous Communicator program. You can sign up for a free training, here. https://onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/tcc-free-introduction-communication-skills-based-on-attachment-styles-optin
Remember, while it’s important to work on the relationship, it’s equally vital to take care of your own emotional and spiritual well-being. Your happiness should not be solely dependent on your partner’s actions or moods. By focusing on your own journey towards “Soul-Centered Security”, you gain greater resilience and discernment, empowering you to navigate this complex dynamic with grace and strength.
Briana
I’m in the early stages of a relationship with an avoidant. We have been friends for 15+ years, had a short but important affair during my 20-year marriage, that I’m in the process of divorcing, and are now in a long distance something (undefined!). The divorce was catalyzed by me confessing that I cheated the day after I came back from the trip, but was really caused by my ex-husband’s long term addiction/betrayal/lying to me.
My friend and I have seen each other monthly or every other month for the past 5 months, due to convenient circumstances that caused me to be in his city or he in mine. He just came here for the holidays and we spent 4 days together, the most time we’ve spent at one time. It started out great (really great) and he invited me to attend a family function with him in April – 4 months away. I said that I’d like to see him more often, every 5-6 weeks would be good for me and my schedule. You would think I proposed marriage. First thing he tells me is there’s another woman who has ‘come back into his life and it’s romantic’ though they haven’t slept together. We had not ever discussed being exclusive and I was explicit with him from the start that I was intending to date / explore my options as a newly single woman. Then he tells me about all the issues that he is dealing with trying to plan for the future. I’m like, I’m just saying I want to hang out again in a couple months.
Anyway the trip ended with me saying it might be best that we table the relationship to try and salvage our friendship, and he pushes back that he still wants to talk about it. I’m feeling majorly rejected and like I should give up before going any further into this. We do love each other but I don’t know how much I can tolerate. I’m sitting on my hands to not reach out to him.
Navigating the complexities of transitioning from a long-standing friendship to a more intimate connection, especially amid significant life changes like a divorce, is no small feat. It speaks volumes about your resilience and capacity for self-reflection. The early stages of any relationship can be a delicate dance of expectations, desires, and boundaries, made all the more intricate by the avoidant dynamics at play.
Your honesty and openness in communicating your needs and desires to your friend are commendable. It’s clear you’re approaching this evolving relationship with thoughtfulness and a willingness to explore what could be, despite the uncertainties and the avoidant behaviors he’s exhibiting. The mixed signals he’s sending, coupled with the revelation of another romantic interest, undoubtedly add to the confusion and feelings of rejection.
It’s okay to feel rejected and to acknowledge the pain it brings. These emotions are valid and deserve space to be processed. However, it’s also important to remember that your worth and the possibility of love are not diminished by another’s incapacity to meet you where you are.
Taking a step back to preserve the friendship, as you’ve suggested, could be a wise choice, allowing both of you some breathing room to consider what you truly want and need from each other. This doesn’t mean giving up on the possibility of more, but rather taking care of your heart while giving him space to figure out his own feelings and desires.
Remember, your journey to finding a fulfilling relationship is a path you navigate with your own needs and happiness at the forefront. If reaching out to him feels right, do so with the understanding of your own boundaries and the self-love you deserve. Whatever the outcome, you’re moving forward with grace and self-awareness.
Warmly,
Briana
Hi Briana, thank you for the article and wealth of knowledge. I have been dating an avoidant partner for over 4 years. I myself am anxious. My partner and I have been through counseling over 3 years ago. It helped for a time. I have read and co time to read how to work within a relationship with an avoidant partner. In the past 4 years he has distanced from me every time he has had an issue with his children. And continues to do so even when I express understanding and my own needs.
Some background on him. He is divorced after a 21 year marriage. She cheated on him and it devistated him. His kids … now 20 and 21 have not pursued a life he agrees with. He is overcome with guilt and shame and feels like a failure. I personally think his kids are doing good. His daughter is in college and has a job. His son did not pursue college and has tried many jobs trying to find his way. This has been the biggest stressor for my partner. He and his son fight constantly and his son has said his father is the reason he is unable to make a decision. My partner takes this to heart. So when his son or daughter come home he disengages. Now with that said. I know his kids very well. We text, I have had them over for dinner, we have been on vacation together. We spend holidays together. Same for his parents. My partner has even sent out a Christmas card with all of us in it the last 2 years . Something the does without my knowledge but thinks it’s a surprise and a loving gesture.
Ok so why am I writing? He still continues to push me away when there is a kid conflict. He tells me he feels guilt and doesn’t know how to handle it. Feels like a failure. I support and try to encourage but there will be months that he won’t call or see me. He merely texts. What else can I do? I have expressed my understanding to give him space but also my needs. I have offered to work together. He always says yes… he needs help. But then he will do nothing. I give him space and only request a phone call or some contact once a week when he gets in this mood. So far I am giving but he is giving nothing. Is this a lost cause? What else can I do? I am trying to be patient.
It’s clear you’ve been incredibly supportive and patient with your partner, despite the challenges his avoidant behavior poses. When he shares feelings of guilt and inadequacy, it’s evident he’s struggling deeply. Your attempts to provide support, offer space, and express your own needs are commendable, yet it’s important to recognize the limits of your influence on his personal journey of healing.
In relationships, especially those marked by complex dynamics like yours, showing up with 100% of your good intentions and skill sets is indeed only half the equation. The other half requires your partner to actively participate and do the work on himself necessary to allow what you’re offering to truly take root. This is where the essence of reciprocal relationships comes into play; both partners must be willing to show up and engage equally. When one person continually withdraws, it creates an imbalance that can’t sustain a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
The pattern of disengagement you’re experiencing, where he pulls away during times of stress and reduces the relationship to minimal contact, indicates an unequal partnership. If this pattern continues unaddressed, it’s likely to persist. Setting boundaries around what you’re willing to accept becomes crucial. If you articulate your needs and the pattern still doesn’t change, or if he withdraws completely when faced with these boundaries, it provides a clear indication of his current capacity to meet your needs—potentially none at all.
I recommend exploring the Attachment 101 courses or the Healing Attachment Wounds course I offer. These resources are designed to help you connect more deeply with your own needs, desires, and inner resilience. They’ll also guide you in establishing and honoring boundaries within your relationship. It’s about empowering you to make decisions that align with what you truly need and deserve. Remember, nurturing your Soul-Centered Security™ means prioritizing your well-being and ensuring you’re in a relationship that supports your growth and happiness. You can learn more here: https://brianamacwilliam.com/attachment-styles-online-courses/
This article above makes me sick to my stomach. When is someone going to tell us what we need to do for ourselves and the coping skills we need to live with an avoidant? I definitely don’t need to read what I should do to make life more comfortable for them. I’ve lived that way for 44 years. Finally I’ve decided I’m tired of walking on egg shells. I’m tired of living alone in my own thoughts and dreams. No one knows the isolation and self doubt that has come with living with this avoidant. An avoidant who was everything I dreamed of before he married me. An avoidant who will go for weeks only talking about weather or the thermostat temperature. The avoidant who never ever makes eye contact. I get nothing. I’m so tired of living alone with someone. Becoming older, I have started to grieve the life I could have had if I only had of chosen a partner who was fun, outgoing. One who at least made me laugh on occasion. Please tell us, how to live with an avoidant, not how to appease one.
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt comment. I can feel the depth of your frustration and the grief for what feels like a life lived in isolation. It takes immense courage to put these emotions into words, and I want to honor that.
What you’re asking—how to better live with an avoidant partner—is such an important question, but I feel it’s also an invitation to dig deeper into what’s happening beneath the surface. You’re not asking how to appease your partner, and I wholeheartedly agree that this is not the path forward. However, asking how to better tolerate an intolerable situation—one that has left you feeling invisible and alone for decades—might be asking yourself to continue a pattern of self-abandonment. This, I believe, is the real cycle that needs to be broken.
It sounds like the focus has been on navigating your partner’s avoidant behavior—walking on eggshells, managing their distance, trying to bridge a gap that only seems to widen. But what if the real shift is moving the focus away from negotiating proximity to them, and instead advocating for your own needs, your own voice, and your own sense of self?
The question, perhaps, isn’t “How do I live with an avoidant?” but rather, “How do I begin to live my life with me at the center of it?” That might mean confronting some deep fears and attachments, or cultural and personal beliefs that make the idea of leaving—or even fully prioritizing yourself—feel impossible. But starting here, with yourself, is how the cycle of frustration and invisibility begins to change.
Living with an avoidant isn’t about learning to endure more silence or loneliness, nor is it about finding coping skills to stay in a place where your needs remain unmet. It’s about reconnecting with yourself, your dreams, and the life you deserve. That might mean asking hard questions about why you’ve stayed, and what steps—big or small—might move you toward a life where you feel seen, supported, and fulfilled, whether that’s within this relationship or beyond it.
I hope this perspective resonates and gives you a starting point for shifting the lens inward. You deserve connection, both with others and, most importantly, with yourself.
I had a secure style when I met my avoidant partner. I never would have let things progress as far as they did except he was my best friend first and made it past the gate that way. I love him deeply and he has tried to change but it’s been years and his behavior makes me feel tired and inadequate a lot. He goes through very lazy phases when I do all the work in the relationship and the house. He makes plans and promises and doesn’t follow through. He makes statements and then trashed me for relying on his words and he gets resentful. People pleasing I suppose. We take trips and we make plans but he goes through these cycles of indifference and even cruelty. He never wants sex anymore, hasn’t for years and I’m actually really fit and cute and he knows that I need intimacy and wonder also where he’s getting his needs met. I’m at my wits end.
That sounds incredibly exhausting and painful. It’s understandable that you’re at your wits’ end—years of carrying the emotional and physical weight of a relationship, only to be met with indifference and resentment, takes a toll. It sounds like his cycles of avoidance, broken promises, and lack of intimacy are eroding your sense of security and self-worth.
The fact that you started off secure but now feel tired and inadequate is a huge red flag. Love alone can’t sustain a relationship when the dynamic consistently drains you. If he’s unwilling or unable to meet you halfway despite years of effort, it might be time to ask yourself: What am I holding onto, and what would truly serve my well-being?
You deserve a relationship where you feel valued, desired, and emotionally safe—not one where you have to fight for basic reciprocity. 💛