What is Disorganized Attachment Style?

TL;DR:

Disorganized attachment is one of the four attachment styles, often shaped by childhood experiences with caregivers. It combines anxious and avoidant traits, leading to insecurity, unpredictability, and relationship challenges. Recognizing patterns, strengths, and healing strategies helps individuals move toward secure attachment and healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

1. Disorganized attachment blends anxious and avoidant traits.
2. Originates from inconsistent caregiving in childhood.
3. Adults often feel insecure, intense, and unpredictable.
4. Strengths include empathy, creativity, and compassion.
5. In relationships, it can cause sabotage (clinginess, hostility, people-pleasing).
6. Healing involves boundary-setting, self-acceptance, and practicing secure attachment behaviors.

 

What is disorganized attachment?

If your own or your partner’s attachment style is disorganized, you’re in the right place. Today, we define the disorganized attachment style and how it appears in relationships.

Ready to learn all about the disorganized attachment style and ways to heal it? Let’s dive in.

What is your attachment style?

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What is the disorganized attachment style?

Disorganized attachment is one of the four attachment styles. These are unique blueprints for how you’ve learned to give and receive love from your childhood. They usually form from interactions with our primary caregivers. These traits continue into our adult romantic relationships.

The four attachment styles in attachment theory are:

1. Anxious: Adults who struggle with feelings of unworthiness
2. Avoidant: Adults who avoid commitment rooted in feelings of fear
3. Disorganized: Adults with insecurity and unpredictable behaviors
4. Secure: Adults with a positive self-image and who are open to romance

An adult’s attachment style is a good indicator of how much intimacy they desire in relationships. Knowing your and your partner’s attachment style is a key step in understanding your relationship.

Today, we’re focusing on #3 from above (but you’ll see it involves #1 and #2!). Anxious, disorganized, and avoidant attachment have much in common. So, what is disorganized attachment?

What does disorganized attachment feel like?

Disorganized attachment is a combination of both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. That means the person has both high anxiety and high avoidance in relationships. 

This is usually due to trauma or neglect from their childhood and may stem from a parent’s unresolved trauma or loss. Such experience may have led the parent to display dissociative behaviors toward their infant.

You see, the primary purpose of attachment styles is to increase the likelihood that people survive their childhood. That’s a reason why disorganized individuals develop these characteristics and outlooks on life.

Disorganized attachment can also be referred to as “anxious-avoidant” or “fearful avoidance.” I refer to those with disorganized attachment as “Spice of Lifers.” Let me explain why.

Individuals with disorganized attachment are usually desirous of love and affection, while at the same time terribly afraid of it. Spice of Lifers experience highs and lows at such depths that it’s hard for them to know what “steady ground” looks like.

For example, they may see their partner as a place of safety one moment, then suddenly view them as a villain the next. Their perspective changes from hot to cold so they live with higher levels of contrast in their romantic experiences.

That’s where my name “Spice of Lifers” comes from. It is the contrast in life that forces us to expand and to grow. I believe the pain many Spice of Lifers feel is evidence of an even greater calling for spiritual expansion.

I explain more in this short video: 

When dating, Spice of Lifers experience fast cycles of anxiously yearning to be in a relationship and wanting to avoid and dismiss loving feelings altogether. It’s because of this roller coaster that Spice of Lifers tend to attract insecure partners who mirror their inner conflict. 

And oftentimes, those in a disorganized relationship trigger each other. 

So, what does the roller coaster of disorganized attachment look like in adults? That’s next.

What does disorganized attachment look like in adults?

Let’s look at an example of disorganized attachment with the story of Sandy.

After being single for a while, Sandy started dating and met someone special.  At first, they got along really well. Great conversation. Good sexual chemistry. It was easy laughs and good times.

But, unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

Although Sandy wants love and affection, she is struggling internally with getting closer to her partner in two ways. First, she has a fear of being rejected and abandoned. Second, she is terrified of being over-controlled and invaded. 

As intimacy deepens, jealousy takes over and she starts to distrust and doubt her partner as she searches obsessively for signs of infidelity. 

Soon, she’s picking fights and testing the limits of her partner’s affection. She’s convinced the relationship will end and wonders why she even liked them in the first place. Sandy shuts down.

Sandy’s partner starts to feel confused and frustrated by her “moodiness.” Her partner feels backed into a corner, and may start doing the things she’s accused them of – just to spite her. 

Eventually, this leads to an ultimatum and the relationship ends. 

Sandy feels like she messed up a good thing and she starts to think, “What have I done?” She texts the ex and they reconnect – and it starts all over again.

Sandy’s inner monologue sounds something like this: 

“In getting to know someone, I fear they’ll set high expectations and I’ll fall short. I’m worried a partner won’t give me enough space or want more than I can give them, so I’ll lose interest and cause them pain. At the same time, I am afraid they’ll leave or lose interest in me so I’ll get hurt. As we get closer, I always just mess things up.” 

Why do those with disorganized attachment behave the way they do?

For a moment, let’s dive into the science behind disorganized attachment. Disorganized attachment can relate to the shutting down of the dorsal vagal nerve. This is derived from polyvagal theory. 

Normally, the dorsal vagus serves a very positive function. It helps the body gently go back and forth between stimulated states and relaxed states. 

This is why “Sandy” all of a sudden can’t remember why she liked her partner so much. The more intimate things get, the greater the inner conflict grows between feeling deeper love and deeper fear until finally the feelings just switch off.

Her attachment system determined the relationship is a threat; it can’t take the stimulation anymore so it cuts out.

This is why disorganized partners abruptly end relationships only to come crawling back later. It’s not a place of manipulation as much as it is working from a place of confusion.

How do you know if you have disorganized attachment?

How can you tell if you have a disorganized attachment style?

Maybe you…

• Fear being rejected and hurt by loved ones
• Feel a depth of emotion and passion that is hard to contain
• Have a polarizing personality that’s hot or cold, but rarely in the middle
• Are critical of yourself and see things in white and black
• Feel a hungry desire to feel seen and heard, but don’t feel like you fit in anywhere
• Hear people tell you that you’re moody or “too intense”

That said, instead of only focusing on negatives, it’s important to consider the strengths of Spice of Lifers, too.

Perhaps…

• Creativity appeals to you, even if you wouldn’t describe yourself as “artistic.”
• You understand poetry and resonate with music and lyrics.
• You are empathic and can read a room better than others.
• You are a persuasive person and know how to get the job done.
• You are a great defender of the underdog or have a deep understanding of the anti-hero of a story.
• You show genuine and authentic compassion for others, and this attracts others.

Now you know what disorganized attachment is. But how exactly does it affect your relationships?

What is your attachment style?

Learn the 4 Styles

What is disorganized attachment in relationships?

Within a relationship as a Spice of Lifer, you are probably capable of great emotional depths but feel overwhelmed by them. People tell you you’re “too intense” and it leaves you feeling lonely and isolated. 

You don’t want to burden others with your problems, but you internally know that you need to connect with someone. This leaves you feeling confused about what your true needs really are, especially in a relationship. 

Meanwhile, you tend to see life through black and white thinking. You have a tendency towards becoming a polarizing provocateur in a community or judging others. This mentality may make you feel left out in social or group situations. 

It’s important to realize that your critical voice is most frequently used on yourself. This self-criticism makes it hard for you to see and accept the gray areas in others, as well. You might hold an unambiguous standard of perfection.

After some time, this excitement fades and reality sets in.

Eventually the unavoidable, boring routines of life steal your partner’s attention. This can be upsetting and make you start to question the foundations of the entire relationship.  

As intimacy deepens, the less dazzling it becomes. You may start to doubt your partner’s affections and begin searching for problems or signs of infidelity to justify this change in heart.

For example, you may sneak into their phone to read texts, or obsessively check their social media. On the other hand, you may start to feel bored and second-guess why you like your partner.

As you turn from hot to cold, your partner doesn’t understand why you can’t trust them. They might say things they don’t mean, in anger, or accuse you of being “too emotional.” 

These negative reactions just confirm your suspicions that your partner is flawed. So, you break up – only to regret your decision later.

Within my online community, a few self-identified Spice of Lifers wrote some statements about how they feel in relationships:

• “I’m on both ends of the spectrum… terrified of abandonment, and terrified of being someone’s everything and feeling trapped or controlled. It’s a little bonkers!!”

• “Fear of being overrun, dominated, used and guilted into the distance/closeness they want. I fear losing my sense of self.”

• “I think my biggest fear is that I won’t ever truly feel ‘safe’ in a relationship with a romantic partner, in spite of having established safety within myself.”

If you resonate with these statements, let’s continue learning about disorganized attachment and dating.

Dating and Disorganized Attachment: How you might be sabotaging your relationships

Now that you know what disorganized attachment looks like in relationships, let me explain what it’s like dating. More specifically, what goes wrong.

Here are 10 ways that Spice of Lifers tend to sabotage their relationships.

1. Excessive contact followed by withdrawal

Disorganized attachment partners (like anxious attachments) may cling to their partners in a constant need to feel secure. They initiate non-stop communication then obsess over response times. These looming fantasies generate self-doubt and a sense of abandonment and rejection. This causes them to “switch off.”

2. Keeping score

Spice of Lifers often give love, time, and attention with the hidden hope of getting the same in return. But sometimes they give more that their partner can—or is comfortable to—reciprocate. When partners set boundaries, it can feel like rejection, which stirs resentment.

This can create a dynamic of “keeping score”. The Spice of Lifer thinks “I give you so much, but you barely give me anything.” The love then feels conditional, and the relationship starts to feel more like an obligation than a choice.

3. Acting hostile

This sabotaging trait follows closely after keeping score. They may communicate hostility with a harsh tone of voice. A partner may roll their eyes or declare a passive aggressive “I’m fine.”

After a hostile interaction, those with a disorganized attachment might apologize through an extravagant gift or tearful apology. This is often a genuine response to a loss of control and the fear of abandonment.

4. Emotional manipulation

A common example of emotional manipulation are contradictory statements. For instance, “I feel like we’re soulmates, but we can’t possibly make this work.” Oftentimes, these statements are an anxious partner bidding for their partner to take a stand. A contradictory statement is like a soft ultimatum, manipulating the partner to act.

5. People pleasing

Because Spice of Lifers struggle to connect to their own sense of self, they often slip into people-pleasing. They shape themselves into whatever they believe their partner wants. Over time, this self-abandonment drains the relationship of passion. Either chemistry fades or the disorganized partner burns out.

This is because nothing of their authentic self remains for their partner to relate to. When both partners can express their true desires, however, they create a foundation for passion and healthy power.

6. Saying you’re not ready to commit, but acting like a committed partner

Those dating a disorganized partner may act like they’re in love but won’t define the relationship. Spice of Lifers are afraid to define the relationship because this “label” might create too high of an expectation, which they don’t ultimately believe they could live up to. But they may still show up and behave as if you have a clear commitment.

7. Saying you want committed relationship, but not acting like it

On the flip side, Spice of Lifers may act the opposite of the previously mentioned. They feel indecisive and confused about their emotions, so they use their words to keep their partner in suspense. Meanwhile, they don’t act like a committed partner to reserve the right to leave if they want. In short, they want to keep a partner at arm’s length; close enough to enjoy the connection, but far enough away to remain safe from abandonment.

8. Focusing on the flaws in your partner

One of the most terrifying aspects of a relationship for a Spice of Lifer is revealing and accepting flaws. Why?

They carry a deep-seated feeling of worthlessness and being undeserving. To reveal their flaws could mean rejection or abandonment. Other Spice of Lifers may cling to the fantasy of a perfect partner, which keeps the threat of real intimacy at bay. Adhering to a standard of perfection in others means they don’t have to confront their own unhealed pain.

9. Pining for the “one that got away”

Disorganized partners may struggle to remain in the moment with their feelings and needs. This causes disorganized partners to adopt a fantasy life and idealize past partners. Once they put exes on this pedestal, their current partner will never live up to it, even though they are probably quite similar. This prevents them from being fully emotionally present with a current partner, and protects them from future emotional pain.

10. Hyper or hypo sexuality

Spice of Lifers tend to experience a split between the mind and body, head and heart. They tend to over-intellectualize everything or live in the fantasy of reality, rather than experiencing it.

This disconnection may cause a disorganized partner to be hypersexual. They want to exert a sense of control over their emotions. So, they derive pleasure from body contact because it feels safer than seeking emotional contact. On the other hand, Spice of Lifers may become unaffectionate because sexual contact stimulates too many feelings for them.

These are all ways in which you might be sabotaging your new relationship and dating life. We’ll look at how to heal your attachment style below. First, let’s look at how disorganized attachment patterns affect relationships.

Disorganized attachment in marriage

In marriage (or long term partnerships), Spice of Lifers will often continue down the emotional roller coaster. Disorganized individuals may become polarized by the attachment style of their partners, especially over time.

For example, if their long-time partner is more anxious, they could adopt more avoidant tendencies and vice versa. 

This type of a relationship often turns into a cyclical unhealthy situation, in what is called “the anxious-avoidant” trap. Thankfully, you can escape this trap and overcome disorganized attachment.

How do you heal disorganized attachment?

Can you heal from disorganized attachment? YES! One of my students, Joe, is evidence of that. Thanks to my arts-based exercises, he was able to work on his disorganized attachment style.

Jitka is another example of overcoming it. When she realized that she needed to work on her attachment style, Jitka found my course. This was the start of a life changing process for her.

To overcome disorganized attachment, a Spice of Lifer must work through their confusion. They may have a core misunderstanding about the conditions of love.

For example, when someone violates your personal boundaries, you must learn to reestablish them.

And to move towards secure attachment, you must allow more spaciousness within you to make more informed decisions.

What does this mean?

Security is the relationship you have with your own insecurity. If you can learn how to connect to and accept your insecurities, your uncertain feelings will begin to dissipate.

Instead, you can achieve healing through practicing witnessing, observing, and becoming tolerant of your own insecurities.

In this short video, I share more about what this looks like:

Over to you!

There it is. Now you know all about the disorganized attachment style and how Spice of Lifers act in relationships.

You’ve made an important step in learning more about disorganized attachment. Understanding how attachment styles affect you and your partner will help you engage in your relationship healthily.

The process takes time, but it’s a journey well worth your time.

Now, I want to know: What’s your top question about disorganized attachment?

Let me know in the comments below.

What is your attachment style?

>>TAKE THE QUIZ<<